[stickboy2k]

Hi,

This is my first post and I am sorry to say I am straight out of the gate going to ask for some advice.

I am a Christian father of three, married for 19 years. Boy 15, Girl 12 and Girl 3. My wife and I are involved in a good Christian church, and things are fine there, but we have only "seriously" been involved in church for a year or so.

Lately, I am finding that we are having problems with rude behavior, anger, frustration and the like. Mainly the problems center around my Son, who triggers many of the battles. But really, My wife, Son and I are running a three ring anger circus. And I am ready to take the next step in building the Christian family I know God wants me to build. My son is not bad, really, just a teen, and I am grateful that he is as good as he is.

I will try to keep my pathetic request for help simple, and narrow it to a few questions, but really, for a control freak like me not being able to get this under control is a big deal.

So here are the questions boiled down.

1) (the biggie) How do I get my family to reform their attitudes and behavior this late in the game?
2) If you have been through this and have advice/experience, please share.
3) Is it possible to do this without objective help, like a Christian counselor/pastor (which I am open to)

Right now, many ideas are swirling in my head over this. From Seeking a couseling situation with a pastor or Christian Couselor, to just setting up firm rules and punishments for everyone (including myself!) regarding behavior. To doing a family devotional and just getting everyone more focused of the Lord, knowing that there is power there to change hearts and minds.

So I am not without any clue, I am just tired and discouraged. Also defeated after blowing it myself so many times and afraid to even try to take another step...and...I know I am a hypocrite, God help me, I know....and my kids know too...

Thanks in advance, Hopefully my next post will be guitar related.

--Norm

[tlj009]

Help advice with family behavior problems
Hi,

This is my first post and I am sorry to say I am straight out of the gate going to ask for some advice.

I am a Christian father of three, married for 19 years. Boy 15, Girl 12 and Girl 3. My wife and I are involved in a good Christian church, and things are fine there, but we have only "seriously" been involved in church for a year or so.

Lately, I am finding that we are having problems with rude behavior, anger, frustration and the like. Mainly the problems center around my Son, who triggers many of the battles. But really, My wife, Son and I are running a three ring anger circus. And I am ready to take the next step in building the Christian family I know God wants me to build. My son is not bad, really, just a teen, and I am grateful that he is as good as he is.

I will try to keep my pathetic request for help simple, and narrow it to a few questions, but really, for a control freak like me not being able to get this under control is a big deal.

So here are the questions boiled down.

1) (the biggie) How do I get my family to reform their attitudes and behavior this late in the game?
2) If you have been through this and have advice/experience, please share.
3) Is it possible to do this without objective help, like a Christian counselor/pastor (which I am open to)

Right now, many ideas are swirling in my head over this. From Seeking a couseling situation with a pastor or Christian Couselor, to just setting up firm rules and punishments for everyone (including myself!) regarding behavior. To doing a family devotional and just getting everyone more focused of the Lord, knowing that there is power there to change hearts and minds.

So I am not without any clue, I am just tired and discouraged. Also defeated after blowing it myself so many times and afraid to even try to take another step...and...I know I am a hypocrite, God help me, I know....and my kids know too...

Thanks in advance, Hopefully my next post will be guitar related.

--Norm

1) I think that the number one thing to do is to sit down and have a rational conversation with your wife and then with your son. The first thing to come to agreement over is that rude behavior is never an acceptable option. Whether someone else does it or not has no affect over whether it is right or wrong.

The second thing to talk about is how totally illogical anger is. There is no need to be angry. It can rob you of your good sense. I have seen people get so mad that they can't even speak coherently. Anger does absolutely nothing to help a situation and usually hurts a situation. So once you all agree that anger is not helpful, you can start managing it. When you start getting mad, your wife should bring it to your attention in a way that totally distracts you from what you are mad about and focuses you on the fact that you are mad.

The third thing to try is to keep from getting frustrated. Take things slow. Make a physical effort to keep your voices calm. If you are frustrated that your son won't obey, then don't simply punish out of anger or yell. Instead, give your son an option of either obey or this will happen. Make it an inevitable outcome. No anger involved. If the punishment is not helping, then escalate the punishment. But plan for it and let everyone know that it is going to happen.

The point of these are to make anger, frustration, and rude behavior the real problem. Bring them to the forefront. Whatever caused the anger or frustration is not as important as being able to control the anger and frustration. So you should push aside whatever is going on at that moment until you get your anger under control. Then you can go back and address it.

[stickboy2k]

Thanks, that helps alot.

I just got off the phone with my wife and we are going to make a united front against these things in our family.

I am realizing that, while we have been putting a higher emphasis on God in our lives we have yet to put him FIRST.

I really think that my son is just doing what he sees us do and then magnifying it. I am ashamed to say....

Thanks again.

[TravisR]

Unless you have some really serious problems, I would recommend against involving a Pastor in your family affairs. This is something that my parents did with me on multiple occasions, and I resented them for it. There is no need to involve a Pastor or other spiritual leader in this kind of situation unless things are completely out of hand and you as a parent are not able to control the situation.

Try to maintain a strong/healthy relationship with your son (and with all of your family) but don't expect for the occasional attitude and rudeness to just go away. It's unfortunate, but that is part of growing up. You can try to minimize it, but as long as you have a strong family, things will settle down in a few years.

I know in my family, I am the oldest (18)... my brother just turned 15 the other day. I have twin brothers that are 5. There was a time when they were 3, I was 16, and my other brother was 12. It's interesting because as I've sort of come out of that phase of my life and am getting along better with my parents, I see my younger brother starting to do the same things I did. I think it's just a part of life. Stay grounded in church and rooted in God's word and let God take care of the rest.

Also, perhaps your son is mimicking your behavior, but don't blame yourself for his actions. Just work on the issues you know you have.

[Pauler]

i think (not just for families), but for people in general...they are more connected when they have shared experiences/struggles. maybe take your family on a "family mission trip" or even a vacation. i know when i think about my life, the people that i am closest to are not the ones that i have the most in common...they are the ones that i have shared with and struggled alongside the most.

[doulos14]

I can certainly speak from experience that teenagers can be tough as I am one. I wouldn't doubt yourself that much if you have fights. Just the process of your son becoming independent and wanting his own way. I know that this has happened many times between me and my parents.

[stickboy2k]

Originally Posted by TravisR

Unless you have some really serious problems, I would recommend against involving a Pastor in your family affairs. This is something that my parents did with me on multiple occasions, and I resented them for it. There is no need to involve a Pastor or other spiritual leader in this kind of situation unless things are completely out of hand and you as a parent are not able to control the situation.

Try to maintain a strong/healthy relationship with your son (and with all of your family) but don't expect for the occasional attitude and rudeness to just go away. It's unfortunate, but that is part of growing up. You can try to minimize it, but as long as you have a strong family, things will settle down in a few years.

I know in my family, I am the oldest (18)... my brother just turned 15 the other day. I have twin brothers that are 5. There was a time when they were 3, I was 16, and my other brother was 12. It's interesting because as I've sort of come out of that phase of my life and am getting along better with my parents, I see my younger brother starting to do the same things I did. I think it's just a part of life. Stay grounded in church and rooted in God's word and let God take care of the rest.

Also, perhaps your son is mimicking your behavior, but don't blame yourself for his actions. Just work on the issues you know you have.

Thanks, Travis,

I hear you, and last year when things were more serious we got a pastor involved and I think you are right,he resented it, and it did no good.

Again you are right about things settling down, as in just one year he has grown up and is starting to act more mature in most situations.

I am really pursuing things right now by way of working on myself and encouraging everyone in the family to focus on trying to become better people. The focus shouldn't be just on my son, as we are all a family and the change needs to be corporate. And I need to lead the way.

You seem wise beyond your years Travis. I feel UNwise for my years most times. But I feel those years....

[Napoleon17]

If it is true that your son is just mimicking what you and your wife display, then perhaps it would be wise to seek out some marital counseling. Me and my wife had some premarital counseling, and they really helped us with our conflict resolution.

Resolving conflict the right way is probably one of the hardest things about being married, and if you have anger problems then it's just that much harder. Do you find you and your wife getting angry about really important issues, or do you guys get upset over minor things, and just let it blow up out of proportion? If you guys get upset over minor issues, then I really think that you guys need to work on your conflict resolution skills. Marital counseling can help you guys to understand each other better.

Then again I've only been married for 10 months, so take what I say with a grain of salt, if you even get back on here to read this.