[AdamAPHC]

Obviously I don't know the whole story, but I have to ask so that I can understand this better... Why is it that you are so quick to cast doubt on what your boyfriend is telling you and yet so quick to instantly believe his brother's side of the story? That's the only part that confuses me.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by *

He, however, has been extremely wonderful and patient with me on this issue. For the past year or so that I've known him (about ten months of which we've been dating), he's endured countless numbers of questions on my part. I tend to be a bit insecure as it is, so at times, I very nearly drilled him on just about everything I could think of -- his temptations with porn, other females, etc. After hearing constantly that those temptations were nonexistant, I was fairly content and trusted him that this was the truth.

A couple friends tried to convince me that it was basically too good to be true -- a guy who thinks every other female on the planet is far less than appealling in every way? (To put it gently.) It sounds too good to be true. Yet for the most part, I trusted him still. He'd given me no reason not to do so.

It's highly unlikely you're the only woman in the world he finds attractive. If he's really trying to convince you otherwise, and if you're really trying to convince yourself otherwise, you have bigger issues than if he watches porn. Temptations are different than attraction or even different than passing thoughts of the possibilities that might exist with other people. Trust in a relationship isn't about absolute single-mindedness, but about absolute devotion. Obviously, there is a point at which temptation becomes wanderlust, and wanderlust is far more harmful in many cases than actual adultery, but the temptation itself isn't what you should be "grilling" him on to determine whether you can trust him. If he is tempted and remains faithful, in thought and in action, then you can trust him despite the temptation.

Suffice to say, you don't necessarily want a guy who isn't tempted by porn or isn't turned on by other women, but a guy who is yet chooses not to engage in these things for love of you. Don't ask him whether he ever thinks about watching porn or ever thinks about other women, but ask him about his commitment to you.

[*]

Originally Posted by AdamAPHC

Obviously I don't know the whole story, but I have to ask so that I can understand this better... Why is it that you are so quick to cast doubt on what your boyfriend is telling you and yet so quick to instantly believe his brother's side of the story? That's the only part that confuses me.

Logically speaking, what does my boyfriend's brother have to lose by telling me the truth? Nothing. However, what does my boyfriend have to lose by doing so (if in fact, the truth would have been that the video was his and he made a habit of watching it)? I wouldn't say an entire relationship, but it would have gotten messy.

Furthermore, upon my asking him about whether or not he owned the video, his brother stated no. He then asked if his brother was in trouble. I didn't give an exact answer either way, but the guy understood there was probably an issue at hand. He said, "Well, in that case, yes." He answered in such a way to cover his brother's ass. Kind, but it was obvious he was doing so.

I don't know. It gave me the impression that his original answer was the truth. After all, what would he care if I knew what he owned/did in his spare time...?

[JerryLove]

Originally Posted by Nate

It's highly unlikely you're the only woman in the world he finds attractive. If he's really trying to convince you otherwise, and if you're really trying to convince yourself otherwise, you have bigger issues than if he watches porn.

So because it's unlikely, she should throw out her relationship?

What if it's actually true. It takes more than looks to attract me to a person, and I know people (some men included) who are honestly not attracted to anyone else when they are with someone.

And I know some men who don't like porn.

Trust in a relationship isn't about absolute single-mindedness, but about absolute devotion.

I have people that don't even qualify as friends who I trust completely.

Suffice to say, you don't necessarily want a guy who isn't tempted by porn or isn't turned on by other women, but a guy who is yet chooses not to engage in these things for love of you. Don't ask him whether he ever thinks about watching porn or ever thinks about other women, but ask him about his commitment to you.

No. A guy who is trust-worthy and fulfilling regardless of what he is or is not attracted to.

[*]

Originally Posted by JerryLove

No. A guy who is trust-worthy and fulfilling regardless of what he is or is not attracted to.

I appreciate your point of view. However, how is this different than what he said..?

[Nate]

Originally Posted by JerryLove

So because it's unlikely, she should throw out her relationship?

No, I didn't say that. I said she shouldn't blind herself to the likely reality.

What if it's actually true. It takes more than looks to attract me to a person, and I know people (some men included) who are honestly not attracted to anyone else when they are with someone.

And I know some men who don't like porn.

I wasn't talking about looks, and I didn't really say anything about porn.

I have people that don't even qualify as friends who I trust completely.

I doubt you trust them in the same way you would a lover. Different thing, same word.

No. A guy who is trust-worthy and fulfilling regardless of what he is or is not attracted to.

Isn't that what I said? I think you're just trying to peg my response into a hole it won't fit in.

[Folk_guy]

This is obviously a very important subject to you, in regards to trust issues. I can tell you that as a married Christian male (will be married for 30 years this December), there is always temptation there. Your boyfriend knows what an important issue this is to you, and doesn't want to risk loosing you over this, so he may not be being totally honest with you over the videos origins. The other alternative is that he may not know how the video wound up in his collection. Men are going to be attracted to other women (and I'm assuming women are attracted to men other than their husbands also). The fact that men find other women attractive isn't the important issue. The important issue is can you trust your partner not to act on that attraction. You will have a very hard time finding a man out there who hasn't at one time or another succumbed to the temptations of pornography. It is a very difficult problem for some men to deal with. One video in a man's collection isn't indicative of a real problem with pornography or lust issues (but it is something he should remove from his home, and his life). The biggest issue here seems to be that you think he isn't being totally honest with you about the ownership of the video.

I assume that you aren't on the short track to marraige at this time, so my personal advice to you at this time would be to put this lone incident behind you, and give him the benefit of doubt, and continue the relationship. Continue to pray and ask God's guidance on whether or not this is the right man for you. If your boyfriend really does have a problem with truthfullness, and lust issues that he can't control then you will be shown that in good time (but don't be so suspicious that you're constantly looking for something, you'll just drive yourself, and him crazy).

[Epaphras]

Originally Posted by Nate

If he is tempted and remains faithful, in thought and in action, then you can trust him despite the temptation.

100% agreed, and very well-stated!

It should also be stated that no man is tempted without falling at least once. In other words, if he is fighting but falls once, and is honest with you about it, it doesn't mean your trust in him should be shattered. He was honest with you. Obviously he should be moving in a positive direction with accountability and measurable progress, but still: stumbles are bound to occur. But he is being honest and open with you about his struggle. And believe me, it's a life-long struggle for a vast majority of men, regardless of marital status or age.

Just as most women are constantly aware of their emotions and face constant "pop ups" of emotional messages, or things that trigger long-forgotten emotions, so most men are constantly aware of attractive women around them, constantly face "pop ups" of past or present images, and face triggers that bring these things to the front of our minds.

[Here-am-I]

I would just like to add that I think there is a big difference between being attracted to someone and simply thinking someone is good-looking. I wouldn't be quick to doubt him if he said that he wasn't attracted to any other women, but I probably would think it slightly off if he said he didn't think any other woman is beautiful/hot/good-looking.

I would also like to ask you give him the benefit of the doubt. What if he IS telling the truth? What if his brother is the one lying to you out of embarrassment or something? I think it is more important for you to believe that you trust your boyfriend rather than his brother - but that is up to you. Yes, the video could very well be his... but what if he really is telling the truth, and it's not?

I understand that it can be hard if you are struggling with insecurity, but one of the key factors in a relationship is trust. If you don't have trust, you don't have anything. If he has never before given you a reason to not trust him, I would say why not trust him now, with this? If a situation like this comes up again, however, you may want to start thinking about things a little more... but right now, you just need to decide if you really, truly trust him and believe he is being honest with you.