Being Friends

cngp90 · 02-23-2009, 10:36 AM

So there's this girl... (obviously, otherwise why would i be posting here, right?)
lol but anyways, we have both liked each other quite a bit since this summer but we both just found it out recently when i finally told her. Well, neither of us are ready for a 'relationship' right now... as both of us are getting ready for college in the fall and other things. We both said that when we first started talking about it. Anyways, I am struggling cuz it's difficult to be just friends with someone where u have mutual feelings for each other... does that make sense?
So I guess I'm just wondering if there's anyone on here who has gone thru this before and how did you handle it? what kind of things can you do with that person to build your friendship and stay away (for the most part) from the romantic side...? Probably sounds like a stupid question.. like i should just man up and forget about being romantic right now haha but it is really really difficult.

**Rainer.** · 02-23-2009, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cngp90

i should just man up and forget about being romantic right now

Yep.

Set boundaries for yourself. Do not cross them. If you have decided you are not ready for a romantic relationship, stick to that. Tell yourself it. If she advances on you, tell her it. Be clear in your mind and in your actions.

Once you start the ball rolling, it's very difficult to stop, you see.

Gods*Armygirl · 02-23-2009, 11:27 AM

That's happened to me before, but I think the guy just backed way when I told him I couldn't be in a relationship now. lol so that's that. That doesn't sound like your case though, since it's a mutual feeling between you.

I agree with what Rainer said. You have to set boundries for youself. You're trying to keep a friendship and crossing the line is going to only encourage you to want to go into a relationship. Remember that it's probably the best that you both remain just friends until you get your lives in place. Take this time to get to know her even more, and to focus on your own life.

**bravesfan007** · 02-23-2009, 01:00 PM

You shouldn't pursue the relationship if you and her both agree on it. However, in my experience striving to remain friends was good up until a certain point. We eventually hit a point where we didn't think our friendship could go any farther. After that, it was we could either keep going and hopefully nothing would change, back away, or start dating. I'm sure there's not an exact timetable for this happening, but trying to remain friends with someone you are attracted to will eventually become a problem. I'm just not completely convinced you can remain good friends with someone and be attracted to them at the same time.

Meningitiphobic · 02-23-2009, 01:03 PM

same thing happened to me last year, only we started dating, then we broke up, now its even harder to be just friends... so dont do what i did, it sucks

**tmlfan123** · 02-24-2009, 10:43 PM

First I want to say that I don't normally post advice in these threads because I'm not in much of a position to give advice, being younger and less mature than a lot of people on this site. But since you said:

Quote:

Originally Posted by cngp90

So I guess I'm just wondering if there's anyone on here who has gone thru this before and how did you handle it?

Just last year, I got to know a girl at a youth performing arts group quite well. She was a strong, caring, Christian girl, and we got along well. We hinted that we liked each other for months before we finally came out with it, and it immediately made it awkward, because it was just that: we liked each other. We were young and in high school(we're still young and in high school) and we had no idea what it meant to love someone else. I still don't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cngp90

I am struggling cuz it's difficult to be just friends with someone where u have mutual feelings for each other... does that make sense?

It was exceptionally difficult and we ended up dating without the official relationship status. After a few months, I woke up and realized how immature I was and we ended it. Want to know the sad truth? I still have trouble having a normal conversation with her. Don't do this to yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cngp90

what kind of things can you do with that person to build your friendship and stay away (for the most part) from the romantic side...?

As harsh as it may sound, don't go out of your way to be with her. Don't always be sitting beside her every possible chance you get. Trying to "build our friendship" almost inevitably leads to perpetuating the "liking" feeling. Hang out with her in groups. Most of all, don't neglect your other friends. Who knows, maybe your future wife is one of your other friends.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cngp90

i should just man up and forget about being romantic right now haha but it is really really difficult.

It is difficult, but for your sake and for hers, do it.

cngp90 · 02-26-2009, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

First I want to say that I don't normally post advice in these threads because I'm not in much of a position to give advice, being younger and less mature than a lot of people on this site. But since you said:

Just last year, I got to know a girl at a youth performing arts group quite well. She was a strong, caring, Christian girl, and we got along well. We hinted that we liked each other for months before we finally came out with it, and it immediately made it awkward, because it was just that: we liked each other. We were young and in high school(we're still young and in high school) and we had no idea what it meant to love someone else. I still don't.

It was exceptionally difficult and we ended up dating without the official relationship status. After a few months, I woke up and realized how immature I was and we ended it. Want to know the sad truth? I still have trouble having a normal conversation with her. Don't do this to yourself.

As harsh as it may sound, don't go out of your way to be with her. Don't always be sitting beside her every possible chance you get. Trying to "build our friendship" almost inevitably leads to perpetuating the "liking" feeling. Hang out with her in groups. Most of all, don't neglect your other friends. Who knows, maybe your future wife is one of your other friends.

It is difficult, but for your sake and for hers, do it.

Thanks, dude. I really appreciate that advice.... haha u probly don't know how much that just helped me out. For realz. Thank you.

**Epaphras** · 02-26-2009, 10:09 AM

Your first semester of college will be the most life-changing four months of your life up to this point, especially if you are going away to school (as in, not living at home) and especially if you and the girl are going to separate schools.

Given that, do not make any big relationship decisions right now. Your life is going to look a lot different one year from now. You will be a different person. It's not fair to either of you to commit to the present while being pulled into the future. You don't want to refuse to make big decisions about your life for fear of how it will affect "the relationship".

cngp90 · 02-26-2009, 10:32 AM

Good stuff. Thank you.
We WILL be going to different schools, although they are only about 30-45 minutes away from each other...