Consequences of Purity in a Relationship? (guys only)

x_cheese_y · 02-17-2009, 04:35 PM

First of all...I really think this should be a guys only thread. I mean, if you really want to read it girls, you can, but I'm just warning you. It's not inappropriate or anything, but its definitely written for guys...

I have been dating my girlfriend for 9 months (we are both 18). We are both Christians and want to save sex for marriage. It was very hard for me to really want this (purity) for both of us the first few months we were dating, me being a teenage guy ;-) But as I have gotten to know her better, that has worn off and I am not distracted by my corrupt fleshly desires. I can honestly kiss her and just want a kiss and nothing more. This is a good thing, right?

But there's a catch...

The thing is, what has happened is I honestly have literally no sex drive anymore. I have been working so much on trying to keep even my thoughts pure by reading books, keeping an accountability partner, attending a guys' small group, etc. Now it seems like I won the battle, but in a way I never thought it would happen. I honestly have no desire to give in to my sinful nature and I am not even tempted when I'm with her, even alone in her house or her room. I have been praying for years nearly every day that God would grant me the grace of winning the battle with purity, and I think He answered, but in a way I never expected. Is this going to change when I get married?

Are there any guys out there who this has happened to? If so, please let me know what happened! You can definitely PM me if you'd like.

And I apologize if this thread is against the rules. I would really like some advice...

x_cheese_y · 02-17-2009, 04:41 PM

and another thing...

I used to struggle with internet pornography, but even that is no longer a struggle. I don't know why. I guess it is an answer to prayer, but not the answer I was hoping for. I can no longer even relate to the guys in my small group who struggle with sexual immorality because nothing is a temptation for me.

rock_show_host · 02-17-2009, 05:41 PM

I really wouldn't worry about it. Count it a blessing that you don't have to bear that burden (at least as much of it) anymore. As for what this means for marriage, from what I understand, you'll have ample time and opportunity to deal with that issue in premarital counseling. I'm guessing you guys aren't planning on getting married within the next few months?

I would advise you not to allow yourself to relax too much, though. In other words, continue to be prudent about watching out for temptation and putting yourself in dangerous situations. Just because this is true for you now does not mean it can't change. Also, keep in mind that she may still be vulnerable in ways that you're not.

Also, I think the "mostly for guys" isn't really necessary. The situation you describe could just as easily be true of a woman. Guys aren't the only ones with sex drives.

Jenacen · 02-18-2009, 08:03 AM

A friend had an experience like what you're going through for about six months, and it came back. So don't worry; that part of your humanity is not gone.

**H.M. Murdock** · 02-18-2009, 11:08 AM

You've still got the equipment, so you've still got the drive. It will be back, so don't relax on that stuff. Congratulations on the reprieve, though; you are very lucky for that.

x_cheese_y · 02-18-2009, 07:12 PM

Are you guys sure? Cuz I'm starting to get a little scared. It has been very easy to focus on things I am supposed to be focusing on, though. Suddenly, I really have nothing to think about except my God and my friends and family (and homework, of course)

**Rainer.** · 02-18-2009, 07:38 PM

I guarantee you that sexual sin isn't the only thing that was wrong with your life.

**Sean** · 02-18-2009, 08:02 PM

How long have you been without a sex drive?

**Thrash** · 02-18-2009, 09:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by x_cheese_y

Are you guys sure? Cuz I'm starting to get a little scared. It has been very easy to focus on things I am supposed to be focusing on, though. Suddenly, I really have nothing to think about except my God and my friends and family (and homework, of course)

And you are upset about this? WTH? I am confused. I wish I could have that. I have struggled on and off with porn for almost 10 years.
I wish I had nothing to think about but God and family and homework...

x_cheese_y · 02-19-2009, 05:05 AM

I'm only anxious about it because I can't get over the idea of it being an irreversible medical condition or something. And it has been about three weeks that I've been like this.

And yes, I know sexual sin isn't the only thing wrong with my life. I don't see the point in telling me that.

**Sean** · 02-19-2009, 06:57 AM

If it's only been three weeks, I wouldn't worry about it. If you go three months without a sex drive...that starts sounding a lot more unusual.

**Epaphras** · 02-19-2009, 09:47 AM

The drive comes and goes, even in marriage (believe it or not). Especially at your age, the hormones are going crazy. Either in crazy revved-up mode or in "sleep" mode. There's an ebb-and-flow to it I think.

Take this time to deepen your emotional and spiritual (and friendship) relationship with your girlfriend, and count it as a blessing that you don't have to be distracted by this.

Just know that at some point it will come back and you have to be prepared for it.

**Epaphras** · 02-19-2009, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rock_show_host

Also, I think the "mostly for guys" isn't really necessary. The situation you describe could just as easily be true of a woman. Guys aren't the only ones with sex drives.

I just wanted to follow-up on this...

It's very true that women have cyclical sex drives too. But in my experience the fluctuation tends to be more...exaggerated. In other words, the lows are lower and the highs are higher (and more frequent) than a man's cycle. When you are both on your "up" cycle then WATCH OUT! Of course when you're married this is the weekend you drop the kiddies off at grandma and grandpa's house and get a hotel room lol.

I attached a little graph I just made in Paint. Blue is for boy and pink is for girl, obviously.

Also it has a lot to do with age: I think both waves tend to flatten out over time.

**Epaphras** · 02-19-2009, 10:01 AM

Amended graph:

Guys operate at a higher level by default, but the woman can easily match or surpass that level at any time.

Nate · 02-19-2009, 10:03 AM

Is it a coincidence that the guys' graph looks like boobies and the girls' graph looks like...