[6strings21frets]

Originally Posted by Tomahawk54

The First Stone

Fabricated facts and fictitious truths build the walls you hide behind...
Mutilating the reputations of others,
You obliterate the truth with your lies.

Originally Posted by Tomahawk54

Why all these attacks?
Why do you hate so much?
Where did all this vengeance come from?

Why do you hate _____ so much? Seriously, without something in between, it doesn't flow properly.

Originally Posted by Tomahawk54

With your world built around you,
Your world's become warped.
Sometimes when the whole world seems sideways,
It's actually you that's losing it.

Originally Posted by Tomahawk54

Alienation,
Retribution,
Retaliation.

Good choice of words...

Originally Posted by Tomahawk54

What did they ever do to you?
We've all made mistakes,
Once you've perfected your imperfections...
Only then can you start pointing fingers.
Let the blameless cast the first stone
But we all know that won't be you.
You're too caught up in mutilating peace...

Very nice...it sounds like a lecture, but in a good way. I like it.

*more critiques later...

[Tomahawk54]

this one is actually an older song I wrote.

most of my songs are intended to be screamed so rhyming isn't important
and rhythm is dependent on the vocalist.


Children of Wrath on MySpace Music - Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Downloads
it's a rough recording but it'll give you an idea of what my general style is.



keep the critiques coming,
it's nice to have an experienced opinion

[6strings21frets]

So...a Christian metal band influenced by Relient K? Sounds interesting.

[Tomahawk54]

House 0f Mirrors



Mirrors...
Mirrors are all I see.
Mirrors all around.
The walls contain my face,
My soul,
My being.

it's only then I realize that this house of mirrors is the graveyard of my past.

Headstones mark a tragic ending to mistakes I so willingly made.
"Denomination" reads the inscription.
This death came so subtly,
but the hand that held the knife was my own.
We killed it with the fear of change.
Empowered with legalism...

[tmlfan123]

One thing I will say is that you seem to spell everything out a lot, using some words that may be unnecessary. This is probably entirely a matter of personal opinion, but for example I would split "it's only then I realize that this house of mirros is the graveyard of my past" into "it's only then I realize // this house of mirros is the graveyard of my past."

It might seem like a small thing, but it really affects how the listener hears your song.