Tomahawk54's songs (RC)

6strings21frets · 03-06-2009, 09:15 PM

right...I get it now. now that you mention that it's kinda starting to make a bit more sense to me now.

Tomahawk54 · 03-17-2009, 08:19 PM

lol.
I'm glad I could clear that up!

Tomahawk54 · 03-21-2009, 10:22 PM

This Burden

Pain is the symptom,
The obstacle I face,
this cross I must bear,
weighs so heavy on my shoulder.

This knife in my chest,
My heart ripped open,
This rejection,
It's almost more than I can bear.

God, How will I ever get through this?
I know you are there,
I find strength in your love
And courage in your sacrifice.
But why must I face this again?

---------------------------------------------------------------
It's not done being refined,
but it's pretty close to what I want.

6strings21frets · 03-22-2009, 02:34 AM

it's good so far.

I like it.

Do you want this merged in your other song thread too?

6strings21frets · 03-22-2009, 04:28 AM

great, and now I think I'll merge this

Tomahawk54 · 03-23-2009, 12:29 AM

thanks!

6strings21frets · 03-23-2009, 12:37 AM

no cheap posting please

Tomahawk54 · 06-06-2009, 07:08 PM

How can you justify this lawlessness?
You pick the bones of your allies and refuse
to acknowledge your own shortcomings.

Verbal violence and emotional mutilation is your pleasure.
Jumping to the defensive before even bothering to ask "why?"
Your whitewashed picket fences and shined shoes aren't fooling anyone.

Conviction is a lesson yet to be learned.
Conviction is my reason,
Prayer - my motivation.
But you never understood that.

Tomahawk54 · 06-06-2009, 07:08 PM

Welcome to the torrent known as denomination,
With raging rapids and the fiercest winds on either side,
We refuse to see the destruction and carnage around us.

This world we've created,
This false reality that is perfect,
Is as false as your accusations.
How long will this deception and willful destruction go on unnoticed?

Gossip is your weapon of choice,
Like a cold blade,
Cutting to the bone,
Severing the limbs of trust.

Tomahawk54 · 10-22-2009, 11:41 AM

Breaking Point

I'm reaching the breaking point,
I can't take this much longer,
I think I'm gonna snap.

Why does this happen?
Was this the straw that broke the cammel's back?
If so, I'm not far behind.
I feel the intense pressure around me,
The air thick with smoke,
I can't see ahead,
I can't see ahead of me.

There's a fork in the road but I can't see down either path

Tomahawk54 · 10-22-2009, 11:42 AM

The Traveler

The memory, it sickens me.
The image of your face, it reminds me.
It reminds me of what could have been.
The love I have for you is greater than you will know.
As I watch your face become swallowed up in the shadows,
I shed a tear,
I can no longer be there for you.
through the tidal waves of life,
and hurricanes of hardship,
I will be alone...

These are memories of what has come to pass,
memories of dreams that were not mine to live out.
These are the chronicles of a lowly traveler,
Lost between the threads in the fabric of time.

Tomahawk54 · 10-22-2009, 11:43 AM

The First Stone

Fabricated facts and fictitious truths build the walls you hide behind...
Mutilating the reputations of others,
You obliterate the truth with your lies.

Why all these attacks?
Why do you hate so much?
Where did all this vengeance come from?

With your world built around you,
Your world's become warped.
Sometimes when the whole world seems sideways,
It's actually you that's losing it.

Alienation,
Retribution,
Retaliation.

What did they ever do to you?
We've all made mistakes,
Once you've perfected your imperfections...
Only then can you start pointing fingers.
Let the blameless cast the first stone
But we all know that won't be you.
You're too caught up in mutilating peace...

Tomahawk54 · 10-22-2009, 11:43 AM

Blindness

Trapped in a visible world filled with invisible treasures,
We have become entranced by the glory of the visible.
Drawn to the death and decay around us,
Blind to the eternal,
We remain willfully blind the the impending apocalypse.
Pursuing all the "happiness" death seems to offer,
But true happiness remains unseen.
How can we be so blind?
If we remain this blind destruction is imminent...

6strings21frets · 10-23-2009, 02:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tomahawk54

Breaking Point

I'm reaching the breaking point,
I can't take this much longer,
I think I'm gonna snap.

Sounds okay so far...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tomahawk54

Why does this happen?
Was this the straw that broke the cammel's back?
If so, I'm not far behind.
I feel the intense pressure around me,
The air thick with smoke,
I can't see ahead,
I can't see ahead of me.

There's a fork in the road but I can't see down either path

...but then we get the "camel's back" line...what? If you honestly think it makes sense, explain. Please.

And the line after that makes it sound too much like you're asking someone a question. Nothing wrong with that, but it feels a bit unstable. In the hundred and possibly thousands of songs I've heard, I don't think I've heard a question and then "If so". IMO, it sounds a bit odd.

Also, these songs are quite short, as if they'd only go for about a minute or two. Too bad Metallica haven't covered them and put them on the Garage Inc album.

But try and work on adding a bit more to your songs, say an extra verse or a bridge.

6strings21frets · 10-24-2009, 05:24 AM

Next critique:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tomahawk54

The Traveler

The memory, it sickens me.
The image of your face, it reminds me.
It reminds me of what could have been.
The love I have for you is greater than you will know.
As I watch your face become swallowed up in the shadows,
I shed a tear,
I can no longer be there for you.
through the tidal waves of life,
and hurricanes of hardship,
I will be alone...

Wow...it might just be me, but I find this kinda creepy. To me, it's like a suicide note or some kind of message conveying grief. The lyrics are strong, but I don't really think it would work. I don't see much rhythm OR rhyme...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tomahawk54

These are memories of what has come to pass,
memories of dreams that were not mine to live out.
These are the chronicles of a lowly traveler,
Lost between the threads in the fabric of time.

Although there's no rhyme, I can work with this. The lyrics suit the song well and I like it.

Onto the next song...