[tmlfan123]

I've written three songs in the past few months, and I'd love to hear any comments you may have. The first is a joke song I wrote after a coworker and I agreed someone should write a song making fun of all the horrible love songs there are out there. I decided to give it a shot, and here's what I came up with:

It's 3 AM, and I'm thinking of you
My heart's on fire, I don't know what to do
You captured me with love, and made me your slave
I'm now giving back the gift that you gave

I wanted you to know

I love you
I need you
Life is not worth living
If you're not here
Oh how I need you here

You've been gone for so long
You're the reason for this song
Come back home, come back soon
We can sit and talk beneath the moon

I wanted you to know

I love you
I need you
Life is not worth living
If you're not here

You left me high and dry
I'm all alone
Now all I do is cry
My hope is gone
But still
I'll fall
If you
If you should call

I wanted you to know

I love you
I need you
Life is not worth living
If you're not here

I love you
I need you
I love you
I need you

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

(that looks hilarious in writing)

[tmlfan123]

Here's the first serious one:

Hold You Tight (RC)

I can't sleep tonight
Cause I'm thinking of you
I can't tell what is right
The key to what we're going through

One day it's so clear
The next I can't decide
One day I need you near
The next I just want to hide

For now at least I'll hold you tight
And try to make you smile
I just want to do what's right
And I want you with me all the while (x2)

I've never felt this way before
But is it real? Is it meant to be?
Who knew love could be such a chore?
All I want is what's best for you and me

Today you're perfect in my eyes
But what of next year?
Is the love we have the kind that never dies?
Why can't things be crystal clear?

For now at least I'll hold you tight
And try to make you smile
I just want to do what's right
And I want you with me all the while (x2)

[tmlfan123]

This one's easily my favourite:

This Bittersweet Sensation (RC)

Procrastination
I'll change tomorrow
Motivation
This is a new low
Insatiation
I just can't say no
Altercation
Goes on in my soul

This bittersweet sensation
Has its hold on me
Call this determination
I need to be free (x2)

Look inside and you'll see
Believe me, I'm so sorry
About me you could be wrong
Tell me where I belong
You think you know me
But you don't know half the story
I'll unpack my mind
You'll see, the me you knew has died

This bittersweet sensation
Has its hold on me
Call this determination
I need to be free (x2)

It's been haunting me
Looking; it's all I see
And now my world fades to grey
Stand up and oppose
This inner worst of foes
Don't fall asleep
Break free

This bittersweet sensation
Has its hold on me
Call this determination
I need to be free (x2)

[tmlfan123]

Faces (RC)

(Verse 1)
Their faces
Splashed across newspaper pages
No one really knows them
Will we try to forget?
Their cases
Will echo down through the ages
Did we really try to help
Can we repent yet?

(Chorus 1)
We killed them with inaction
They died waiting for help
They wait for your reaction
Tomorrow is too late

(Verse 2)
Their faces
Splashed across newspaper pages
They promise to answer
Tomorrow they'll forget
Their cases
Will echo down through the ages
One day they'll take the stand
With their knives still wet

(Chorus 2)
They work hard at inaction
Forget about waiting for help
They don't have a reaction
Tomorrow moves into today

(Verse 3/Ending)
Your face
Will be splashed across newspaper pages
Will anyone answer
Or will they just forget?

[tmlfan123]

Tug of War (RC)

(Verse 1)
It began with an oversight
Didn't see what could happen
A soul at stake in a prizefight
Live in the devil's playpen

(Pre-Chorus 1)
Darkest desires I invite
Just don't let them see the daylight
Pride and lust will kill me tonight
World's temporary delight

(Chorus 1)
Tug of war
I can see what's right
The lion's roar
Drop dead at midnight

(Verse 2)
Something or someone, see my plight
God save me from the lies of men
I'm reaching out to the daylight
Save me from this evil again

(Pre-Chorus 2)
Let that old fire reignite
Come as my Author and Playwright
Could we once more now reunite?
Spend my days in endless delight

(Chorus 2)
Sin no more
I can do what's right
Love hoped for
Fly away at midnight

[tmlfan123]

If you're reading this, please comment!
Anything you say, I can use. I've shown these to a few of my friends, but all I've gotten are "that's really good" atypical answers. No criticism is too harsh, I'll take it so I can get better at this. Thanks!

[tenwatt]

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

It's 3 AM, and I'm thinking of you…

Your “joke song” didn’t seem “funny” but I see a bit of cute and corniness in it. It’s well writen, wouldn’t mind hearing it. It might add more to the cute and corniness of it all.

Also, for some reason I was reminded of a Da Vinci’s Notebook song called “Title of the Song” where they were making fun of boy band lyrics. Check that out here:

http://www.leoslyrics.com/listlyrics.php?id=110868

It’s histarical!

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

Hold You Tight (RC)

The rhymes are a bit predictable at times but it seems fine. The verse that starts “Today you’re perfect in my eyes…” seems awkward to me. It seems a little tough to chew. I can imagine having the conversation your song is depicting with someone. I can imagine saying “love is sometimes a chore”, “is this real”, “is this meant to be” and my girl being understanding of how I felt. But if I said “Today you seem perfect but I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about you in a year.” Although that’s honest…it might be too honest. It would most likely get you slapped.

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

This Bittersweet Sensation (RC)

Well, first off, I’m unfamiliar with the word “insatiation”. I need a definition on that one. I couldn’t find it in the dictionary or on wiki.

Also there’s a line “You'll see, the me you knew has died” that I think should either be “you know has died” or “you knew had died”.

Other than the few grammatical issues it seems okay. I can see it being a pretty aggressive song and that might add to it if I heard it. I like the beginning but might change “Goes on in my soul” to “burning in my soul” or “wearing on my soul” or something with a little more bite. Also, I would change “this inner worst of foes” to “the worst of inner foes” or “my conscious…my worst foe”. Wow! I like that line! You can have it if you want it!

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

Faces (RC)

I like the first verse, chorus, and verse 3/ending but I need an explanation of the second verse. Who is this in the second verse? Murderers, cops, I’m a little confused.

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

Tug of War (RC)

I LIKE THIS!!! The line “darkest desires I invite, just don’t let them see the daylight” is goooooood in a LOT of ways! Chorus 2 seemed a LITTLE weak but all in all! I dig it. I hear a “Secret and Whisper” song when I read it.

[tmlfan123]

Thanks for replying!

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

I was reminded of a Da Vinci’s Notebook song called “Title of the Song” where they were making fun of boy band lyrics.

That was amazing! I’m still laughing...

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

The rhymes are a bit predictable at times

Noticed, eh?
I wrote the words about a year ago, and just put music to it this fall. I’m not particularly proud of the words, but I had a chord progression I liked that fit it perfectly, so I resurrected it.

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

The verse that starts “Today you’re perfect in my eyes…” seems awkward to me. It seems a little tough to chew.

It is

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

Well, first off, I’m unfamiliar with the word “insatiation”.

It probably isn’t one... put it in the “needed word to fit rhyming pattern but couldn’t find one so invented word” category. My only defense is that Anberlin does the same thing with “conversate” in “Alexithymia”. I define it as impossible to satisfy, like our desire for sin.

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

Also there’s a line “You'll see, the me you knew has died” that I think should either be “you know has died” or “you knew had died”.

I saved your response to a Word document and it also tells me that my grammar is bad... consider it changed.

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

I can see it being a pretty aggressive song and that might add to it if I heard it.

It was a bit of a jump for me. I write almost everything on my acoustic(because I still haven’t saved enough for the jump to electric and because my piano skills are subpar), but I punch this one out as much as it’ll let me! The intro goes like this(although I realize this won’t help because you have no idea what the timing is):

E-------------------------------------------------------
B-------------------------------------------------------
G-------------------------------------------------------
D---------------------------------------------7h--12h
A-------------12h--7h--------------------------------
E-12h--7h---------------------12h--7h-------------

Then I move to Asus2, playing all strings, for eleven strokes, and then keep that shape moving up to the fifth fret, then seventh, then ninth. With all the strings going it sounds pretty sweet(to me at least).

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

I like the first verse, chorus, and verse 3/ending but I need an explanation of the second verse. Who is this in the second verse? Murderers, cops, I’m a little confused.

Politicians, leaders, those who have the power to help but look the other way.

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

I LIKE THIS!!!

Glad to hear it!
I'm still working on the music for it(the "live in the devil's playpen" line is awful rhythmically), but it's definitely one of my favourites.

Great comments, thanks so much for all of them, I really enjoyed reading them over.

[tmlfan123]

The Secret (RC)

Sins parade before my eyes
Dark visions of deeds half-done
See the disaster I've wrought
With a single stray thought

If they knew I'd be without a single friend
If they knew I'd have a lost cause to defend
If they knew I would be forced to comprehend
If they knew I'd be brought to a bitter end

If they knew how I've hurt them
If they knew just what I do
If they knew what I'm into
If they knew, if they only knew

I've raped, pillaged, plundered, burned
Yet you're still smiling at me
How many years have I fought?
The truth will leave you distraught

If you knew how I've stolen your innocence
If you knew how I've pretended for so long
If you knew just how deep runs my worst offense
If you knew just what part you played in my wrong

If you knew how I've hurt you
If you knew just what I do
If you knew what I'm into
If you knew, if you only knew

See past the masquerade
Into the mess I've made
Enter a world of sin
Lust and death rule within

If you knew how I've hurt you
If you knew just what I do
If you knew what I'm into
If you knew, if you only knew

[tmlfan123]

I put up audio for the first three songs now, check it out if you want and let me know what you think. The first two songs are pretty much cookie-cutter chords, but Bittersweet Sensation is a little more musical... to me at least. Sorry about how quiet it is, I just recorded them on a microphone attached to a laptop and somehow it's really soft, even though I maxed out the recording volume. And I apologize for the B string being out of tune in the Love Song, it sounds horrible but I'm too lazy to re-record it

[tmlfan123]

These Tearstained Pages (RC)

(Verse 1)
Do you remember when you were four
Listened to the gift your mother bore
Your little brother you would adore
But sister, you're not here anymore

(Verse 2)
Do you remember when you were ten
We'd make a fort and call it a den
We were so young and carefree back then
But we won't ever do that again

(Verse 3)
Do you remember when you left here
Leaving behind all that you held dear
I'll admit I shed a single tear
Could we have maybe one more year

(Verse 4)
Do you remember when you married
To him your life I had to concede
For me you no longer had a need
But big sister won't you please take heed

(Chorus/Ending)
You're still an inspiration to me
Your love for him is easy to see
Living life how it was meant to be
Sister are you listening to me?

[tmlfan123]

Sooner or Later (RC)

I don't particularly like this one and I haven't even attempted to put it to music yet, but a friend asked me to write about individuality so I came up with this:

(Verse 1)
She sits by herself, all alone
Big patches in her clothes are sewn
She's ignore because of all this
You and your friends choose to dismiss

(Verse 2)
She doesn't talk like you
Or do the things you do
So your arrogance grew
But if you only knew

(Chorus 1)
That whether sooner or later
Some day that girl will be greater
Than both you and all your friends
That's how it winds up in the end

(Verse 3)
If you had dared to be different
Over to her you would have went
And offered her a compliment
What a difference that could have meant

(Verse 4)
Just because she's different you won't
Could make a new friend but you don't
There's nothing wrong with her
But your friends you prefer

(Chorus 2/Ending)
Sooner or later
You'll imitate her
As she walks across your TV screen
You'll think back to when you were sixteen

[1 Into God]

Dude I LOVE Tug of War. I was writing a song like that but couldn't express it in a way I liked, but you nailed what I was thinking right on the head. I love the "Darkest desires I invite / Just don't let them see daylight" prechorus. Epic.

[DropKick74]

I'd have to say Tug of War is my favorite.
I can't see much wrong with it.
I'm a sucker for the spiritual warfare stuff. I love it and i want to hear the music for it.
The others are good too but this one caught my attention the most.

I really like the repition of always going back to the midnight stuff. It makes it memorable

Good job

[tmlfan123]

The music is still in progress on Tug of War. I always write the words first. And my recording program sucks, but I'll see what I can do to get it up there.