[6strings21frets]

I'll just highlight some things I want to comment on.

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

Singing to the Stars

(voice #1)
All I see is blackness
A vast expanse of sky
The day gave way to night
Tonight I wonder why

(voice #2)
All I see is starlight
It's filling up the sky
Spilling down towards me
Tonight I don't care why

After reading the first two verses, I think you've chosen a good title for this song.

Can you see the planets?
(v#1 - All I see are clouds)
They're calling to you
They're calling to me
Their colours pushing through

I'm liking this...

(voice #2)
Let me show you something
Look up at the heavens
There's darkness yes
But it's punctuated
By a thousand points of light

Great choice of words!

Overall I think this was a great song. I can see you thought hard about the lyrics, esp. in the above stanza.

[tmlfan123]

Originally Posted by 6strings21frets

I can see you thought hard about the lyrics, esp. in the above stanza.

Haha I actually wrote the whole thing in about half an hour completely unpremeditated.

[6strings21frets]

Great!

[tmlfan123]

This is really just a collection of thoughts, and I may combine it with "Sitting on a Fence..." because the ideas are somewhat similar. It's definitely not my best, but I guess I'll share my bad ones as well as the ones I like...

(Verse 1)
Sing to me tonight
Vain hope deep inside
That someday I might
Set aside my pride

(Pre-Chorus)
Just please come out and say it
Don't talk to him or her
Talk to me and just say it
You know that's where we were

(Chorus)
What stopped you then
What's stopping you now
Don't drag me through this again
Put words to thoughts somehow

(Verse 2)
Scream at me tonight
Vain hope I'd wake up
But this isn't right
Call it a breakup

(Pre-Chorus)
Just please come out and say it
Don't talk to him or her
Talk to me and just say it
You know that's where we were

(Chorus)
What stopped you then
What's stopping you now
Don't drag me through this again
Put words to thoughts somehow

(Ending)
You're running out of time
Can't talk you're scared that it's goodbye
Stop speaking in mime
Just ask yourself why

--

I'm just one guy

[tmlfan123]

This has no format. I have these lyrics, which came out in a ten-minute rush, and a short riff that is the main idea for music. This will undoubtedly be changed a million times over, but here's the gist:

I think I'm going crazy
This is not how it's meant to be
Tell me there's more
Tell me I'm missing something
What is all this for?

You dance a pretty circle
But you end up
Right back where you started
Are you content with this
This submission to your existence

Discontent with happiness
Trapped in perfect love
The pain is more real
Than the lives we're living

Is it enough to just exist
Are you satisfied to live
In utter harmony with this
This discordant reality
That you call life

Let me out, I'm searching the walls
Need to find the way out
There's gotta be something
Something we haven't imagined
Or even believed could be real

[6strings21frets]

Discontent with happiness
Trapped in perfect love
The pain is more real
Than the lives we're living

I kinda lost a sense of rhythm on this stanza. Other than this, I thought it was good.

[tenwatt]

Originally Posted by tmlfan 123

Oblivious to Oblivion

I like these lyrics. When it started I thought it was a Bush song but…I digress. It’s pretty simple to follow. I like the recording, it should be cleaned up a bit but I agree that the raw, crying out, feeling of it adds to the song. Kinda makes you feel like you’re really experiencing the song rather than just reading/listening to it. I like the melody a LOT.

The ONLY critique I have is two seperate lines…”Here comes the knife…” to be blunt…I hate this. I’m not trying to be mean but when I read that line it was just really deflating. I’d make this a little more poetic and a little less obvious. I like the idea of relating the knife to sight and/or the senses since you next line is related to sight. Maybe a “Reflection in a knife”? That could be cool.

My only other critique…”Your home is JUST a bubble”. The word “just” seems like a bail out and is a little weak. Maybe something like “Your home’s a fragile bubble about to break” OR you could even take a different direction. You mention in the song earlier that “Nothing could be wrong inside this perfect house”, maybe the first line of the chorus could relate to that. Something like “Your granite fortress has cracked walls” or something similar?

Great song as is…just a few critiques. I enjoyed listening to it.

[tmlfan123]

Originally Posted by 6strings21frets

I kinda lost a sense of rhythm on this stanza. Other than this, I thought it was good.

Yeah probably.

I haven't applied this to music yet, and I'm sure when and if I do it will take some reformatting to make it fit.

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

I like these lyrics. When it started I thought it was a Bush song but…I digress.

Yeah I wasn't sure about the "Breathe in, breathe out" line just because I knew it had been used a lot before, but it seemed like a good opening line so I went ahead with it.

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

It’s pretty simple to follow. I like the recording, it should be cleaned up a bit but I agree that the raw, crying out, feeling of it adds to the song. Kinda makes you feel like you’re really experiencing the song rather than just reading/listening to it. I like the melody a LOT.

Gee thanks.

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

The ONLY critique I have is two seperate lines…”Here comes the knife…” to be blunt…I hate this. I’m not trying to be mean but when I read that line it was just really deflating. I’d make this a little more poetic and a little less obvious. I like the idea of relating the knife to sight and/or the senses since you next line is related to sight. Maybe a “Reflection in a knife”? That could be cool.

I can see where you're coming from. I'll definitely give that line some more thought and see if I can do something else with it.

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

My only other critique…”Your home is JUST a bubble”. The word “just” seems like a bail out and is a little weak. Maybe something like “Your home’s a fragile bubble about to break” OR you could even take a different direction. You mention in the song earlier that “Nothing could be wrong inside this perfect house”, maybe the first line of the chorus could relate to that. Something like “Your granite fortress has cracked walls” or something similar?

This line is harder to change, especially because the second line ties into it. But I will take another look at it.

Originally Posted by guyskankrye

Great song as is…just a few critiques. I enjoyed listening to it.

Thanks for a great comprehensive review... unlike some people who just say "other than this part, I think it's really good" *cough Liam *cough

[tmlfan123]

It's been too long...

(Verse 1)
Can we clear the air tonight
Clear the mist hanging over me
Waving my hands hasn't helped so far
I'm lost in this haze

(Chorus)
When I'm awake I'm fine
But when I dream I slip
Into maybe's and could be's

And I think maybe
This could be

(Verse 2)
Can we rewind and gain some time
Gain back my peace of mind
My words and songs haven't helped so far
So lost in this haze

(Chorus)
When I'm awake I'm fine
But when I dream I slip
Into maybe's and could be's

And I think maybe
This could be

(Bridge)
And maybe this could be
The start of a lifetime
This could be
My very last rhyme
This could be
A little more than a maybe



I haven't decided if I want to end it there or head back to chorus. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[tmlfan123]

Oh and good news... my laptop for school has Audacity and I will finally have access to high speed at school. This means if I pull together a halfway decent computer mic I can record and upload all my stuff!

[6strings21frets]

Originally Posted by tmlfan123

Oh and good news... my laptop for school has Audacity and I will finally have access to high speed at school. This means if I pull together a halfway decent computer mic I can record and upload all my stuff!

Sweet! I'm very much looking forward to this.

[tmlfan123]

Originally Posted by 6strings21frets

Sweet! I'm very much looking forward to this.

I have a computer mic now, I've got the mp3 encoder for Audacity downloaded, so now I will be able to record when I go home this weekend. I'll try to get some recordings up next Monday.

[6strings21frets]

Speaking of which, any idea how to use Audacity?

[Kentl]

I just read a lot of your songs I cant even choice my favorite
But I will say that they are WAY better then mine
I like “more then a maybe” But I am a sap for those kind of songs

[tmlfan123]

Originally Posted by 6strings21frets

Speaking of which, any idea how to use Audacity?

To do what? The basic functions are all pretty straightforward, and I haven't quite figured it all out yet either.

Originally Posted by Kentl

I just read a lot of your songs I cant even choice my favorite
But I will say that they are WAY better then mine
I like “more then a maybe” But I am a sap for those kind of songs

Yeah that one turned out fairly well I guess, but it got me into a little bit of girl-trouble