Long Distance...

AlphaSigma · 10-29-2008, 04:57 PM

My mind has been restless lately,

A friend of mine and myself are exploring a dating relationship. The problem is: She goes to school two hours away. We've been seeing each other on the weekends thus far because of our job. But the camping season ends this weekend, which means we won't be seeing each other every weekend.

After this weekend, we will probably only be seeing each a maximum of twice per month during the school year. I"m know I'm committed to exploring this relationship and she says she is as well, but I do have the issue of trust.

She hasn't given me any reason not to trust her, but in the small amount of time (2 months) that I have gotten to know her we've seen each other every weekend. This ends in Novmember.

Any advice? Is this worth pursuing? I'm just worried about investing and then being left broken hearted.

***Art*** · 10-29-2008, 05:03 PM

Long distance is very very very VERY difficult. Your distance isn't too horrible, but the time apart generally is. If you let it, it can stunt the growth of your relationship, or kill it altogether. Simply put, you both have to be very committed, or it becomes an exercise in futility. On top of that, sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes people are just not compatible. You have to factor that in, as well.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 10-29-2008, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlphaSigma

My mind has been restless lately,

A friend of mine and myself are exploring a dating relationship. The problem is: She goes to school two hours away. We've been seeing each other on the weekends thus far because of our job. But the camping season ends this weekend, which means we won't be seeing each other every weekend.

After this weekend, we will probably only be seeing each a maximum of twice per month during the school year. I"m know I'm committed to exploring this relationship and she says she is as well, but I do have the issue of trust.

She hasn't given me any reason not to trust her, but in the small amount of time (2 months) that I have gotten to know her we've seen each other every weekend. This ends in Novmember.

Any advice? Is this worth pursuing? I'm just worried about investing and then being left broken hearted.

Long distance can absolutely be worth it. I spent 3-4 years several thousand miles from my wife to be. You can make it work, but it absolutely takes hardcore commitment. There will be nights that suck worse than you could imagine. However... for the right person, it is ABSOLUTELY worth it.

2 hrs is not that bad really.

AlphaSigma · 10-29-2008, 05:45 PM

Ok,
I hear what your saying: What qualifies as the 'right' person. You say that 'hardcore' commitment is a must, but what does that practically look like?

**Becky** · 10-29-2008, 05:47 PM

long distance is VERY hard... but heck, I'm talking long distance as in Ma- Florida! Two hours? I'd drive it every day if I could have my boyfriend that close!

Here's my advice. Before long, you'll both be signing up for classes right? Start planning now. You can organize your class schedules so that you can make visits last longer. Put all your classes on Tuesday Thursday, and you'll have from Friday - Monday every week with each other. that's 4 days a week. That would be more time together, then a lot of couples who live closer get. What does camping have to do with anything? Do you have female friends? Does she have guy friends? family? Start looking into now, and finding someone on both sides that would be willing to have a guest for a few days each week. You are talking about camps, so you've been paying to see each other? You can offer the person whose house you chose a small amount of money as compensation. Or make other offers of help around their house or something.

If you WANT this to work, you can figure out a way to make it work. It wont be easy, but nothing you want ever is.

as for not trusting... I know that issue very well. It takes time, and it takes realize that we are all sinners, and no one is perfect. Your going to get hurt, the question is, are you going to trust anyways?

Dr. Worm · 10-29-2008, 06:14 PM

Or, just to offer a different opinion, instead of having a super-scary hardcore commitment as others have said, you could go the other way and hold off on any serious commitment right now. You talk to each other when you can and you visit each other when you can, keeping the doors open, but avoiding the serious level of commitment and the difficulties that come with it. If at some point circumstances change allowing you to be together, great, you have maintained a healthy, stress-free relationship and you could take it to the next level, as they say. Or, after some time you decide that it is worth it to both of you to make that serious commitment despite the distance, then you can talk about it and make that decision at that time. But starting a relationship as a long distance relationship sounds like it would be putting all kinds of pressure on the two of you that a new relationship just doesn't need. I say, take it easy, stay in touch, see each other when you can, and wait and see what happens, without making such a big deal out of things right now.

**Becky** · 10-29-2008, 07:09 PM

But will that work long distance?

Dr. Worm · 10-29-2008, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Becky

But will that work long distance?

My point was that for the time being, maybe they should try to avoid a high-pressure relationship that they have to "make work".

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 10-30-2008, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlphaSigma

Ok,
I hear what your saying: What qualifies as the 'right' person. You say that 'hardcore' commitment is a must, but what does that practically look like?

Absolutely making the relationship a top priority. What that looks like is setting aside time for the relationship and refusing to let other things encroach. That involves practically setting aside time to talk, play games, and in your case since we are talking a relativeily short distance, visit. It has to be a 2 way street, but most people who fail, fail because they put other relationships first and let that relationship wilt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Worm

Or, just to offer a different opinion, instead of having a super-scary hardcore commitment as others have said, you could go the other way and hold off on any serious commitment right now. You talk to each other when you can and you visit each other when you can, keeping the doors open, but avoiding the serious level of commitment and the difficulties that come with it. If at some point circumstances change allowing you to be together, great, you have maintained a healthy, stress-free relationship and you could take it to the next level, as they say. Or, after some time you decide that it is worth it to both of you to make that serious commitment despite the distance, then you can talk about it and make that decision at that time. But starting a relationship as a long distance relationship sounds like it would be putting all kinds of pressure on the two of you that a new relationship just doesn't need. I say, take it easy, stay in touch, see each other when you can, and wait and see what happens, without making such a big deal out of things right now.

It seems that door has already been opened and relationships do not work well when they are on the decline. If you reread the original post, "I"m know I'm committed to exploring this relationship and she says she is as well, but I do have the issue of trust." That says to me that emotionally, they are really past that point, and I am not talking about anything super scary. Basically, I am talking about giving things a real go. Trying to functionally make things work in a relationship takes time and can be done over distance. Just holding off and waiting and seeing won't cut it over distance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Becky

But will that work long distance?

Quite simply, no. It will cause the relationship to wither and die.

TheCataclysm · 10-30-2008, 10:24 AM

Personally long distance relationships have never worked in my favor, but I always encourage people to at least try because they never know how it can go. So if you believe it will work then go for it by all means, but you cant have any doubt at all in your heart or you will begin to lose heart in it and it will not work.

Dr. Worm · 10-30-2008, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

It seems that door has already been opened and relationships do not work well when they are on the decline. If you reread the original post, "I"m know I'm committed to exploring this relationship and she says she is as well, but I do have the issue of trust." That says to me that emotionally, they are really past that point, and I am not talking about anything super scary. Basically, I am talking about giving things a real go. Trying to functionally make things work in a relationship takes time and can be done over distance. Just holding off and waiting and seeing won't cut it over distance.

And that is a fine opinion for you to have, but I am talking about not giving things a real go just yet. Being "committed to exploring a relationship" is a far cry from being committed to a relationship. Had he said that he knows this is the girl he wants to marry, and he is unsure how to deal with the long distance factor, my advice would obviously be different. But as it is, I am saying that holding off for a bit on making that commitment is really not the end of the world. If he was sure he wanted to marry this girl, then you are right, waiting and seeing would not cut it. But that is not what he's saying. He's saying he wants to explore a relationship with her. Starting this process with an "absolutely hardcore commitment" (your words) to maintaining a long distance relationship doesn't seem like the healthiest way to start things off. Can it work? Of course! And if that is what they choose to do, there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just offering a different perspective. They can talk as often as they want, they can visit each other twice a month, they can maintain a healthy friendship and keep the door open for something more.

Quote:

Quite simply, no. It will cause the relationship to wither and die.

I have ample experience that tells me quite differently. Is there a risk that they will lose touch, drift apart, meet other people, etc.? Of course there is. But if maintaining a relationship over a distance is hard work, starting a relationship like that from the very beginning is going to be that much harder. Impossible? No! But there is no solid foundation of being together that can support their being apart. Breakups tend to be much more final than losing touch for a spell. I would rather take my chances by staying friends, seeing each other when they can, and keeping the door open for something in the future than taking my chances on getting involved right now in a high-pressure long distance relationship from the get-go. If the OP disagrees, good for him! That's great! Follow your heart! I'm just saying that it might be wise to take a step back and realize that this doesn't have to be an all or nothing sort of endeavor.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 10-30-2008, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Worm

And that is a fine opinion for you to have, but I am talking about not giving things a real go just yet. Being "committed to exploring a relationship" is a far cry from being committed to a relationship. Had he said that he knows this is the girl he wants to marry, and he is unsure how to deal with the long distance factor, my advice would obviously be different. But as it is, I am saying that holding off for a bit on making that commitment is really not the end of the world. If he was sure he wanted to marry this girl, then you are right, waiting and seeing would not cut it. But that is not what he's saying. He's saying he wants to explore a relationship with her. Starting this process with an "absolutely hardcore commitment" (your words) to maintaining a long distance relationship doesn't seem like the healthiest way to start things off. Can it work? Of course! And if that is what they choose to do, there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just offering a different perspective. They can talk as often as they want, they can visit each other twice a month, they can maintain a healthy friendship and keep the door open for something more.

If you want to make it work... thats what it will take. I am saying to make it actually work, this is what it will take. My point is not that he should or shouldn't but that to really make it work... that is the cost. Let the buyer beware. And that cost can absolutely be worth it, but its a big sacrifice to make it work.

Quote:

I have ample experience that tells me quite differently. Is there a risk that they will lose touch, drift apart, meet other people, etc.? Of course there is. But if maintaining a relationship over a distance is hard work, starting a relationship like that from the very beginning is going to be that much harder. Impossible? No! But there is no solid foundation of being together that can support their being apart. Breakups tend to be much more final than losing touch for a spell. I would rather take my chances by staying friends, seeing each other when they can, and keeping the door open for something in the future than taking my chances on getting involved right now in a high-pressure long distance relationship from the get-go. If the OP disagrees, good for him! That's great! Follow your heart! I'm just saying that it might be wise to take a step back and realize that this doesn't have to be an all or nothing sort of endeavor.

I think there is no actual basis for there being a solid foundation of being together that can support there being apart. Judging from my marriage and our basis... the being apart and having to get to know each other 3000 miles apart actually left us with an insanely deep relationship and foundation of knowing each other. Once he does decide, if he does decide to go for it, its going to have to be all, or there will be nothing in the end. I say that as someone who has dealt with distance for years. You can't make it work and do it halfway.

Dr. Worm · 10-30-2008, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

If you want to make it work... thats what it will take. I am saying to make it actually work, this is what it will take. My point is not that he should or shouldn't but that to really make it work... that is the cost. Let the buyer beware. And that cost can absolutely be worth it, but its a big sacrifice to make it work.

In this respect I am in 100% agreement with you.

Quote:

I think there is no actual basis for there being a solid foundation of being together that can support there being apart. Judging from my marriage and our basis... the being apart and having to get to know each other 3000 miles apart actually left us with an insanely deep relationship and foundation of knowing each other. Once he does decide, if he does decide to go for it, its going to have to be all, or there will be nothing in the end. I say that as someone who has dealt with distance for years. You can't make it work and do it halfway.

I feel that somehow I'm still not making myself understood. I am suggesting he consider not trying to make it work right now, and simply keeping the door open for such an opportunity in the future.

AlphaSigma · 10-30-2008, 01:05 PM

Ok,
I appreciate your guys' contributions so far, it's helpful, seriously. My next question is: How can I include her in this conversation? How can I communicate these concerns to her.

I'm not looking for 'Well, just tell her!' I'm looking for (in your opinion) what are the necessary questions for us (me and her) to engage with?

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 10-30-2008, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlphaSigma

Ok,
I appreciate your guys' contributions so far, it's helpful, seriously. My next question is: How can I include her in this conversation? How can I communicate these concerns to her.

I'm not looking for 'Well, just tell her!' I'm looking for (in your opinion) what are the necessary questions for us (me and her) to engage with?

Basically you need to feel out how serious both of you are taking this thing. I don't have your relationship, so I can't give you a list of questions.

I would try to find out how committed you both are, and how much work you will put into it.