[ICTHUS]

"I hear, but seem to hear in vain, insensible as steel,
If aught is felt, t'is only pain, to find I cannot feel."

I'm a mess, CGR. I abandoned the Christian faith months ago, or so I thought. I was engaged in a pattern of sin in my life which slowly but surely drove me further and further away from God. Eventually I was thinking about things from outside the Christian worldview, which allowed me to view things such as Israel's genocide of the indigenous Canaanites as something abhorrent. I confess I still struggle with that line of thinking. Even now, what justifies that particular event to me in my mind is not the overarching inherent moral authority of God the Judge, but that my acknowledgement of the disgusting actions that pervaded Canaanite society in some sense almost warranted their destruction in and of itself.

But that's not really the issue. The issue is my heart is hard and I am a doubter. I'm recovering from and being treated for years and years of severe depression being left untreated (I'm now under the care of a psychiatrist and taking Zoloft) , and the various circumstances of my life which have brought me pain have made me angry at, and doubt the very existence of God, even going so far as to deny His existence, have taken their toll. I do not think of myself as intelligent, attractive, or otherwise worthwhile, and I'm angry at God for making me thus. To demonstrate, I'm 23 and never had a girlfriend, I have a mild-to-severe neurological impairment that results in me walking like a total gimp and a whole bunch of other nasty things, I've flunked out of university for the last couple of terms I've tried to study because of not being able to concentrate on my studies, and I have basically no friends except those who believe their God has commanded them to love me. I don't even think those people like me very much (referring to the ones at my old church that I've recently started attending). I'm at the age my parents were when they had me, in all this.

I would believe, but for the...unrest, I suppose, that lies in my heart towards God. I hate what I am and I blame God for making me this way.

Recently (as in on Friday) I ended up having to move out of my old place on short notice (well, I had plenty of notice, but didn't start looking early enough to offset the fact that there is almost no housing available in this city). My friend Scott who goes to the aforementioned church felt compelled to let me crash on his couch for a night so I wouldn't be homeless. Thank God neither of his sons (toddler/1-year-old) woke up during the night. As...I'm tempted to say luck, but I should say Divine Providence (Scott's eldest (he's three) prayed 'God, please give Ryan a nice new house!' that morning (he doesn't seem to get what a rental is - any new residence is a 'new house' to him. It's cute) would have it, I got a sublet for August so I can start looking for a more permanent place, and the funny thing is, someone had put a deposit down on the place and hadn't moved in. That's ridiculously unusual, particularly in Victoria with a vacancy rate of 0.3% or less. That had to have been a God thing. Or else a huge stroke of luck. Again. 0.3% vacancy rate. You do the math. I still don't know which ad I actually replied to that my now-roommate Melissa responded to originally.

But I was in church this morning after having a place basically fall into my lap the day after I became homeless and was faced with moving back to Vancouver with my mom...and felt really no desire to give thanks to God for it. I felt disgusting for it. I knew that my heart should have been bubbling over with praises and thanksgiving, but I just felt...dull. Unfeeling, almost. I hate that. Like my emotions and affections towards God have just shut down and I can't make them come no matter how hard I try. The best I could manage was a very unfeeling, "Thank You for your providence, Lord." I also recognize the theological truth that God, in this instance, worked not primarily for my good - for I am a rebellious sinner who has spat upon His cross and shown Him contempt - but that He may be glorified in my praise. But I can't seem to praise Him as he deserves for this. I know I can't praise him as he deserves, but I can't manage more. I'm spiritually sluggish.

On a more concrete note, my place is amazing. The landlord wants everybody out September 1st though, but I'm going to try to write him a letter explaining that, come January (my doctor wants me to take a semester off from school) I'll be going back to school working towards a professional degree (for those just reading, I want to become a Speech Pathologist) and this location would help me immensely. It's literally a 5 minute bike ride from my school, up a hill from a children's rehab hospital I'm interested in volunteering at, and there's an amazing beach like down a set of stairs. The landlord is a Sikh Punjabi, and all of the people of that ethnicity I've known (well, Indian people in general, actually) respect people who become professionals - doctors, lawyers, nurses, etc. They push their kids incredibly hard particularly into these professions, so I'm hoping to sort of play on that cultural disposition which I'm hoping my landlord has.

In addition, my power cord for my laptop seems to have got misplaced in the move.

So, the TL;DR version of this:

- Ask God to assuage my doubts, soften my heart, and give me repentance. You may see me posting some questions in Theology from time to time - Theo mods, please don't smite me. They aren't questions from a hard and fast unbeliever wanting to flame bait, they're questions from a Thomas who insists on poking his fingers into a pierced side.

- Ask God for healing of my mind, through the Gospel and through the wisdom that he's allowed we humans to uncover about medicine and the human mind (my psychiatrist)

- Ask God to make Mr. Singh, my landlord, receptive to the letter I'm going to write him.

- Power cord.

- Steadfastness in looking for a new place to live and looking for a job.

- Relationship with my current roomies. Melissa, one of my roomies, is in the same boat as I am come September (meaning she doesn't have a place) we talked a bit about, if we mesh, looking for a place together, or just looking for a place with a few other people so we can save on rent (our rent right now is 380 + utilities with six people in the house, which is ridiculously cheap for Victoria). So just for wisdom about that and for getting along, especially with Melissa (she has some really weird quirks and is a bit of a pothead. I don't mind that, though I don't smoke marijuana myself)

Thanks, guys. God bless.

[Demon_Hunter]

Dude, I will definately be praying for you. For all of that.

[ICTHUS]

Originally Posted by Demon_Hunter

Dude, I will definately be praying for you. For all of that.

Haha. I just found my power cord (I typed the above from a computer lab in the Clearihue building at UVic). It was in my backpack the whole time.

Meaning I wasted a trip into downtown Victoria (UVic/the neighborhood it's in is sort of out of the way) to dig through the storage locker I've rented, wrestling with my two couches and boxes and such, for something that was on me the whole time.

That said...my coffee was in storage. That means I don't have to buy coffee. Mmm, coffee.

Is it still an answer to prayer if I discover something I was looking for that I was too stupid to notice I was carrying around with me all day as I was looking for it?

"Arise, O God, and shine, in all Thy saving might..."

[Ordinary Sarah]

Definitely praying, dude. It's good to see you back here. I'd been wondering how you were doing.

[Ted Logan]

Ryan,
I'm praying for you, and I got your message. I'll contact you as soon as I can.

[Skeeter]

Definitely praying, Ryan.