Just a question for those who are engaged/married: did you talk about marriage and the prospect of getting married frequently before actually popping the question? And if so, did it take away from any of the surprise or magic when the proposal did happen?

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half, and we've already talked a great deal about marriage and know that that's where we're headed. It's a couple years before we could really get married, and I'm not a big fan of multi-year engagements, so I haven't officially asked yet, but we do find ourselves dropping marriage into the conversation a lot -- even just little things like while hugging, whispering in the other's ear "I want to marry you" or "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

While I think it's wonderful that we're open and on the same page about this, I'm just wondering if it'll take something away from the day when I actually ask her to marry me, or if it'll still be just as surprising and romantic as if we'd never said a word on the subject.

[ieatdirt]

Originally Posted by kahunacho

If you can't marry her when you ask, or within the year you ask, you do not have any right.
If you don't have job, can't even rent an apartment, and support her, then you shouldn't even be dating, if you are meant to be together God will make the means.

Who says? God can mean for people to be together before they have the means to be married. Some people can't afford an apartment while they're dating, because they're going to school. Does this mean they shouldn't date? Why the heck should you need to be able to afford an apartment while dating? You don't need to support her until you're married, which for most people is several years after they start dating.

[Nate]

My wife and I picked out her ring on eBay, then she paid for it, took it to be resized, gave it to me one night while we were going out, whereafter I gave it back to her in a Barnes & Noble parking lot after we had had dinner.

Let's just say surprise and magic aren't really among my specialties.

But, no, it didn't take anything away, I don't think. You'd have to ask her.

[rock_show_host]

Originally Posted by kahunacho

Bro or Sis,

Nope, if you cannot afford to support her, then I believe you don't have any business being Bf-Gf or proposing if you cant marry her, that is just is not right.

I'm with ieatdirt -- why? Neither an engaged couple nor a dating couple need to support each other until they are married. Obviously, by the time the wedding rolls around, a job/place to live/support should be figured out or at least underway, but what's wrong with promising to marry one another and then committing to get those essentials taken care of in the meantime?

Come to think of, next to nobody is literally ready to get married the second they propose -- what about planning the wedding? That doesn't tend to happen before an engagement is finalized.

Unfortunately, I'm neither married nor engaged, so I can't answer the original question. My instinct, though, is to say that while talking beforehand may take a bit of the surprise factor out of the proposal, for a truly loving couple it shouldn't make things any less special and romantic.

[thesteve]

Talking about getting married beforehand does not ruin the surprise at all.

I had my wife totally psyched out when I proposed because we had talked about it before and she had "thought it was coming" several times previously, so when she had the same feeling the night I proposed she just ignored it as another false alarm.

[Kati]

Just throwing in another vote for "it's fine"--my husband and I talked about the subject a lot before we actually got engaged (I was in the other room when he asked for my father's blessing in fact and knew perfectly well what was going on), and no, I don't think it took anything away from the surprise/excitement of the actual proposal. I would have been really weirded-out if he'd just randomly proposed without us ever talking about it...heh.

[Ax]

Umm... if you just propose to a girl without ever having talked about marriage... the look on her face isn't surprise, it's "WHAT THE @^$*$#)*&_@&Y@@&* JUST HAPPENED?" In a freaked out, creeped out, and scared inflection. Trust me, Steph new I was going to propose to her but she was still VERY surprised when I whipped out the ring. VERY.

[Skeeter]

Since the diamonds in my wife's ring were from her mother's ring and a pair of her earrings, I think it's safe to say that we talked about marriage before I proposed. In fact, I think it would be very foolish to propose without talking about marriage.

[Rainer.]

Originally Posted by Skeeter

In fact, I think it would be very foolish to propose without talking about marriage.

Agreed.


How can you possibly make a rational decision to be married to someone if you don't talk about marriage specifically with them beforehand? It may make your engagement full of surprises, but not necessarily nice, romantic ones.

Besides, with the premarital romantic relationship being a set-up for basically marriage only (why else would you be dating?), future marriage probably should be a big topic of conversation as one heads towards engagement.

[Skeeter]

That said, talking about marriage is very different than talking with the expectation of marriage. It may not be entirely healthy to talk as if marriage is a certainty before it actually is a certainty.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Skeeter

That said, talking about marriage is very different than talking with the expectation of marriage. It may not be entirely healthy to talk as if marriage is a certainty before it actually is a certainty.

I think it kinda depends on how you mean. 2 years into my dating relationship with my (now) wife. We were discussing dates for a wedding, when I could propose. (She wanted me to get my bachelors before we got married, and I had to time the proposal at least halfway between when we started dating to the marriage. We wanted to string things along at a certain rate for others benefits as well. But I dare say, 3 months into dating we both were certain we would be getting married, even though it wasn't for like 5 years.

But by the time we got engaged, I think certainty of marriage was a forgone conclusion.