[athanatos]

I woke up. Walking across the room as the blare prevents me from further entitlement to slumber, I find my two alarms and turn them each off. I hold my phone on my way back to my bed. The covers are warm, I want them. Sleep overtakes, and in but a blink of an eye, the clock declares I should've left for church 2 minutes prior. No food, no shower, no shaving, no clean teeth, and definitely no time. I take the checkbook, the library book, and the good book with me as I push the door open. Maintaining the speed limit, the windows are down and Anberlin resonates.

It is too early.

Fast forward.

Up in the library, where I can be alone, I am struck by a passage of honest, reverent declaration in fear. "What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!" I reflect on it just before the Pastor speaks about God's holiness from afar, and tells the congregation to meet in the passage I just finished reading in leisure.

Fast forward.

"So, do you have anyone in mind, romantically?" I asked H. "Not really," he replied. "The problem is that I am such an outsider. I don't really think about hanging out with people a lot, and I don't think about romance that often." With a sense of appreciation, though not wholly maintained as of current, I spoke up, "Ya know, for about 3-4 months, like from late January to the beginning of June, I didn't have anyone on my mind romantically, I was feeling content, and it was great." This was after a break-up, and a realization my priorities were off. God is good.

Rewind.

"Do you know F. well?" I asked H. He declined. "Because my sister, B., and D. all got it in their heads that F. and I would make a good couple. I don't know." F. is a girl I don't know well. She goes way back, but I barely knew her even then. When she came back, after all these years, my sister and her friends welcomed her back, and as a result I have met her a number of times in passing. The more often we have come into contact, the more attraction is apparent. Mutual, I believe. And of course, I want to get to know her so these aren't baseless thoughts, yet as soon as I start trying to set times and places to meet, something comes up. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday: That's five days in a row, which makes my planning capabilities severely lacking. I will pray and stay in the Scriptures, and try something later. I'm interested.

- INTP

[athanatos]

I need 21 more credit hours before I graduate. Two more semesters, each of which shouldn't be hard academically. I am seeking a bachelor of arts degree, major in psychology and minor in philsophy. What is left to graduate? Any math class I haven't already taken (3 cred), two semesters of german (4 + 4 = 8 cred), and whatever I want to take, in whatever field 300+ level (12 cred). So, technically, I will graduate with some extra credit hours. That's okay. I've been in college 4 years, it can be expected. This Fall: plane trig, german 201, history of philosophy 19th century, and history of philosophy classical period (13 cred total). Spring: german 202, psych: studies in personality, epistemology, and some other psychology or philosophy class (13 cred total). This Fall I might also be a teacher's assistent, which would be cool, but I haven't gotten a single e-mail from the prof who approved me to assist him. I think he has forgotten me, it has been 1.5 months since last I spoke with him.

What will I be doing after that? I want to go to seminary, so I get teach theology in an academic setting. I would love to teach philosophy too, particularly logic, but my heart is in theology, I love to discuss Christian doctrine and help people understand the Scriptures. I have much, so much, to learn, and I am excited about looking forward to seminary. Problem? Well, I don't know where. So my immediate plans after graduation is to continue working in the church much like I am already, and saving up money to attend grad school. While I am saving up, I'll do research on places to enroll.

Right now I am the president of a christian fellowship on campus, I am overseeing the leaders in the college ministry, and I am clearly in need of insight and experience. Both come from God, and I see these opportunities to be the latter: ways I can learn how to operate in a leadership position in the church, how to resolve conflicts among leaders, and trying to keep God in the centre of it all. I'm only 21, it feels like a big load, especially given a laundry-list of immaturities I demonstrate.

Yahweh is the only one I can rely on to provide what I need when I need it. Why do I ever find myself trying to rely on myself?

- INTP

[athanatos]

I'm back at work. I am a teller who assesses check fraud, approves short-term loans, and completes lots of money-transfer transactions. We accept bills, we can wire money to people and businesses, and load money on debit cards. Check fraud is one of the best parts of our business, because we can cash checks and verify information much deeper than most banks. Banks do not investigate if the check you're trying to cash is fraudulent, they just cash it and if it bounces they charge you money.

Of course, the real service we provide is that we cash checks right away, any type of check. The thing is, we must make sure the checks will have sufficient funds backing them to cash them, and eliminate the risks of accepting checks so regularly. Hundreds of students cash their tuition refund checks or student loan checks at our establishment: checks are often $1000-$4000, which the banks usually won't pay out a cent until it clears - 5 to 10 days away. This service requires a keen eye and a good understanding of people and financial systems, otherwise the scammers & frauds or even the potentially scammed could ruin the business.

Which reminds me of last Thursday, where we had a big bust. Someone came in and tried to pass a bad check intentionally. We go the police in our store and busted her on the spot. She had multiple aliases and a warrant for her arrest for similar crimes. A lot about the check seemed bad, but it was the bank that I called to verify it who told me to sick the police on her. Very exciting catching a criminal in the act, and watching her BS as much as she could.

A lot of this job reveals to me a sort of wisdom in which I learn from their mistakes. Of course fraud sucks, but I see many people in financial problems every day. Shut-off notices, paying fees to get your payroll check, living pay-check to paycheck, a half-dozen NSFs, and needing to borrow $300 for 2 weeks just to get by. It inspires you to keep a ledger for your accounts and budget your income frugally and wisely. I never want to be in their positions. God has blessed me, I just want to steer clear of those problems and be a good steward with what God has given me.

We close in 2 hours. Almost out.

- INTP

[athanatos]

Escaping the workplace, I came home and ate dinner. I was listening to John Piper sermons ( http://www.desiringgod.org/ ), and chatting online. I catch news that one of my friends has declared himself gay, he's come out of the closet. Not the best way to find out about it, and it is no huge surprise. I don't feel obligated at all to inform him about the sinfulness or foolishness of his decision. I don't feel I would do it well, nor do I think it would be appropriate -- I am simply not that close to him, and that gives me no reason to try to hold him accountable. I have close friends who are close to him, they can hold him accountable. He respects them more.

Meanwhile, my heterosexuality manifests, and I keep getting the urge to call Miss F. to try to hang out or something. I remained home for an hour and a half before I broke down. I called her, cleaned my room and got dressed up, ...picked her up and went to the video rental store. A fiasco or two. Enjoyed the movie, minus the scratch. I feel like we haven't made a connection, where things just click. Something that we can talk about for a half hour, for example. I'll keep this up until it seems pointless. Meanwhile, I will seek God and enjoy Him. He is good, always. My sister and her friends have been encouraging me still. This is the first time I have called her, the first time we watched a movie just the two of us, the first time it was just the two of us at all aside from driving her home a couple times. I won't put too much thought into all this, I know that I ruin things when I overanalyze. Constant problem.

Time for more Scripture. I was going to write on Prov 26:4-5, and the Fall, and some other passages. I really enjoy exegesis and such. My friend Brad and I will be preparing lecture/sermon/speaking for our weekly meetings tomorrow. It should be great, we need to get on top of things for the Fall.

- INTP

[athanatos]

Currently, I think I'm doing it right. My attitude has been in check in general, but that only for the grace of God. The thing is, this comes to mind in contrast to how I typically act when I get my eyes set on someone. Setting priorities appropriately are something I am sure most people struggle with, but I know that I put my friends, education, and work right up there with God. God's always on my mind and I devote so much energy and time to Him, especially in the Summer. But when Fall and Spring semesters come, every year my time and energy devoted to Him gets cut in half. The thing is, I really don't want to make that mistake again, I want to learn from it and fix it.

The thing is, it always happens that when I start focusing on women (or a particular woman, rather), my time in the Scriptures drop. It was always difficult when I was fancying one or another, but last year, I had something definite on my plate: I had an online girlfriend, started at the begining of the Fall semester. First "girlfriend" I've ever had. Now my friends are encouraging me to go out with a girl, and she's cool and all, I just want to make sure that I keep things in perspective. I wanted to learn from last year's mistake, where I would get responsible and appropriate about juggling time with a mate and time with God before I had to add juggling time for class. Ya know? Maybe a better word would be "balance." Hopefully I will find a mate who encourages me to get into Scripture and cares about it a lot herself too. I don't know if this girl is like that, I hope to find out.

- INTP

[athanatos]

Perhaps I should explain something.

I am an introverted intuitive thinking perciever - INTP. This is a personality type indicator. One can find lots and lots of information on this easily. http://www.typelogic.com/intp.html & http://www.humanmetrics.com/ . It has roots in Carl Jung's psychology and archetypes, though the MBTI deviates in many respects. The general idea is that there are typically 16 types of people. The population is divided into two groups, introverted or extroverted. And of each of those, they are divided by how they perceive information, intuitive or sensing. Likewise with how they process information, thinking or feeling, and how they orient themselves with their external environment, judging function or perceiving function.

Here's all the combinations:
ESTP
ESTJ
ESFP
ESFJ

ENTP
ENTJ
ENFP
ENFJ
- - - -
ISTP
ISTJ
ISFP
ISFJ

INTP
INTJ
INFP
INFJ


That means, I get my energy from myself rather than others, I acquire information abstractly and connectively, I interpret and make conclusions about the information through reason, and I am generally loose and flexible with my lifestyle, decisions and (lack of) planning. Practical application: I tend to be reserved in many respects, I don't like a lot of obligations, I like to think very deeply about things (I read a lot, write a lot, and want to teach about philosophy and theology, for some examples), and I tend to be slow to make conclusions.

I think the test is pretty cool beans. It is quick to apply, and it makes a lot of sense. There are flaws with it, but not going get too much into depth about it. I like making new word games, and thus the title. Make a new series of words from the letters INTP. In fact, anyone who wants to play that game here, feel free. Interval notation taxed periodically.

- INTP

[athanatos]

Isn't it cool how God meets us where we're at? Jesus went to the Samaritan woman where she was working and gave her the good news, evenw hen it wasn't socially appropriate (racism, sexism, etc.). Thomas refused to believe without seeing Christ proving himself by showing his hands and side (skepticism, empiricism, etc.), and Jesus did just that so that Thomas would realize the truth and worship him as his Lord and his God.

Maybe it isn't so analogous, but I have worried about how I was going to pay for school almost every year. Last year I bought a used car, making money really tight but God proved my doubts to be unfounded. He is the Provider. It's amazing. This spring I was freaking out again, thinking "There's no way I can pay for college unless God does it" and was trying to trust God. I prayed a lot about it, applied for a good half-dozen to a dozen scholarships. A month later, I get a letter in the mail saying I get $2,100!! Holy crop! He met me right where I was at, and provided for me. At this point I was thinking sweet, now I can pay for college! I figure my finances as my expenses were less than I expected, and it turns out I have a good $500 buffer that I didn't think would be there. I will have more than enough to pay for college? That's crazy. So I've been praising God often, with a smile widely on my face proclaiming His provision and Romans 8:28. Then I refigured my finances because I knew my payday was coming up and I was getting more hours each week. I found I had a greater income than I thought I would by about $300. God, how much my doubt is unfounded? Your grace surpasses me always. Then earlier this week I see the paycheck and circled is the rate per hour: I got a raise, up $0.50 an hour. God, You're blowing me away. That same day, I get an e-mail about how another scholarship going through for another $500. So this means that my expenses were less than I thought (tuition, books, etc.) and my income is greater (raise, scholarships totaling $2600 handed to me). God, You're showing You love me, and I can't stop praising You.

Jehovah Jireh, my Provider!
Your grace is sufficient for me, for me, for me!
Jehovah Jireh, my Provider
Your grace is sufficient for me

My God will supply all my needs,
according to His riches in glory
He gives His angels charge over me
Jehovah Jireh cares for me, for me, for me!
Jehovah Jireh cares for me!


And we know that all things work together for the good of them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

This is one of my favourite verses, because it works to glorify God in all things. When things are not looking so hot, we know that if love God and are called according to His purpose, that all things work together for our good. We can trust God because He has the power and the love to do this. But the verse also works to praise God, because we know that when things work together for our good, we know that it is because God is working in all things. There is now way you can take this verse to heart and lose all hope or have nothing to praise God about. Paul also writes this verse with such confidence too, because he says "And we know that all things work together for the good". This is our foundation: our God provides, protects, and disciplines His children.

- INTP

[athanatos]

A little bit of an addition to the previous post: so what will you be doing with the excess $1300? Well, I'll do what I have been doing, avoiding spending a lot on frivilous things, so I'll plan on holding on to the majority of it until my last tuition bill needs to be paid (first or second week of 2009), and then I'll keep saving up for grad school.

Where am I going to grad school? I want to go to seminary. I honestly don't know where to go. I probably haven't been praying about it enough. What I've been doing, and will be doing for the next few hours, is going on various seminaries' websites and finding out their tuition rates, where they're located, doctrinal statements, and expectations of conduct. I don't want to waste my money, I don't want to be way too far from home, I want to affirm what they teach, and I don't want stupid regulations like demerits for going to movies or something childish like that.

Places that look most appealing right now are Dallas Theological Seminary and Westminster Theological Seminary. For those who might have suggestions, I am looking for a Seminary that leans toward Reformed doctrinally. As far as location, I don't want to go on the west coast really. I haven't eliminated all of them from the picture, I just count those as a losing points.

- INTP

[athanatos]

I've compiled a list. 24 pages, 23 seminaries.

Tuition rates, degrees offered, doctrinal statements, locations, other requirements and notable differences.

The seminaries that stand out the most to me are:
Dallas Theological Seminary (Dallas, TX) http://www.dts.edu/
$360 /hr - Baptist ... like the kind that the GARBC accepts, Dispensational eschatology
Westminster Theological Seminary (Philadelphia, PA; Dallas, TX) http://www.wts.edu/
$370 /hr - Reformed ... like Presbyterian, good stuff
Reformed Theological Seminary (Jackson, MS; Orlando, FL) http://www.rts.edu/
$345 /hr - Reformed ... good stuff.
Bethel University (St. Paul, MN, near Minneapolis) http://seminary.bethel.edu/
$300 /hr - An Evangelical sort, more Baptist or Reformed than anything.

Granted, I probably won't apply to any of the above for a good year or two. I am just getting excited, hopeful, and eager. I need to be spending more time in prayer though.

[athanatos]

That big bust I posted about? Well, I just recieved a subpœna in the mail today.

[edit]
Blech.

[athanatos]

^_^ ...

so, The Dark Knight was sold out, but she and I watched Wanted instead. Good time.

... and she wasn't so shy this time (I think I was being less serious too, which is good).

Heck yes.

[athanatos]

"Discretion advised"

Why don't I take that phrase to heart more? I mean, seriously. Reminds me of the song by Guardian, Babble On.

Every time I add a line
I wish I could subtract
Too late to take it back

And if talk is cheap, the price is high
When I let another arrow fly
Better to be seen and never heard
Than to babble on with every word

I really need to learn how to shut up sometimes. I just have an excellent way of saying the wrong things at just the right time to make it even worse. So they call you "mean," must I joke about it as if I agreed with them? They might have hurt you, but I am just a jerk who cannot keep my mouth pure or shut. James is right, my tongue is a breeding ground for Hell. It is the hardest, nigh impossible, thing to control. I guess it requires God, so that's who I will go to for wisdom, because God will gives it to anyone who asks in faith (James 1:5?). Discretion and wisdom will keep my path clean and straight, says the Proverb generators.

SINK IN, YOU SIMPLE TRUTH.

[athanatos]

The morning came along, and it was particularly odd. I was driving to work like I always do. Ever get that feeling like you're on a cable-car, on a set path to get from point A to point B? The path feels much more mechanical, and everything that passes by just feels like a picture: no depth to them. You might has well be playing Need For Speed. The world feels so mathematically generated such that you couldn't walk up to feel the rugged bark on the towering trees, hunch down and smell the bright flowers, or hear the rustling of the leaves in the canopy above. But this morning I speak of -- it was Saturday -- the road felt as relaxing as a walk in the park, and with it the flexibility of the drive and the reality of nature. I felt more aware of the plants and paths all around me, as one does when he walks along those paths. I could not help but realize how much more I enjoyed the ride, how much more I felt like I knew the town, how much more I felt like I had freedom.

Of course, my introspection requested of me, or rather demanded of me, an explanation for this phenomenon. Was it the movie? For I saw the character in Wanted had a heightened sense of reality, wherein he took notice of more things. It would be foolish to think I was as he was, because it's simply a movie with cheesy dialogue and plot, but excellent action. Perhaps I respected the concept of his abilities, and emulated it naturally. I really don't think it is any of these. The next thought, as I crossed the railroad tracks, was perhaps I am enjoying things more because I have someone in mind who I want to enjoy these things with. For it was not more than a half-day earlier that she was sitting in the same passenger seat, more real than the trees and the flowers that were out my window. Perhaps songs I hear on the radio will sound sweeter, fuller, more harmonous, and more soothing.

-INTP

[athanatos]

Prelude
This journal doesn't look like it is read except under the page views' count. This isn't a bad thing per se, because it's turning out to be some kind of venting grounds for my thoughts. Indeed, I feel venting.

Body
I have been getting into Scripture a ton. In the last two days, I have read the second half of John, all of Acts, all of Hebrews. That's 53 chapters of the Bible. I didn't skim it, I just had a lot of free time at work by God's grace. I've started Revelation and Joshua. I hope to finish the rest of the books I haven't read in the last year or so by the time school starts: Revelation, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 & 2 Samuel, 1 & 2 Kings, 1& 2 Chronicles, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Ezekiel. School starts Aug 25th. I've got a lot of work to do aside from this, with all the work on campus.

I got home after our Bible study on Song of Solomon and fell asleep rather quickly. Gosh, that's two different thoughts. Song of Solomon is a great book, and we've been going through it according to the sermons by Tommy Nelson, a really good expository preacher for this portion of Scripture. We just finished episode 3 of six. Really applicable insight. Anyway, after coming home I was beat. I read 2.6 chapters of Revelation and konked out right on my couch at 10 to 10pm. My sister came in and -- while saying "tackle, tackle, tackle" -- tackled me, not that it bothered me... But hah, I did get back to sleep in mere moments. I woke just a short while ago, just before 3am.

From there, my mind went mad. I wanted to get to sleep. Well, sort of. I got up, grabbed some water to drink, and went to bed. All that was on my mind was trying to conjure something to try to meet up with this girl. Let's call her Martha. I was thinking of Saturday. I was thinking of Friday. I was thinking of concerts, and the nice, long drive over there. I was thinking of VHS's, and the reminiscing of old animés. I was thinking about long conversations and making connections, getting to know her and understand her, breaking the shell and relating with her. This doesn't sound mad, does it? Good. Then I realized, if I were to try to do something Friday, what's my time schedule? Free. Good. But if she were to come over, my room is a complete mess, and I don't have a free time schedule to fix that. Out of bed I went. Socks, shirts, pants, papers, boxes, bags, hangers, and dust. In little time, my room was getting systematically cleaned because of my determination to free up the possibility of her coming over Friday night. I even checked the weather for Friday and Saturday.

Postlude
I am not normally like this. That's why it seems mad. I don't want to throw myself at someone. I don't want to lose my sense of reality. I don't want to be driven by emotions or unfounded hope. I just want to do what is best. My room is almost clean, but here's to a good night. A night I can hope to solidify a foundation.

Shalom.

- INTP

[jthomas1600]

Hey, sometimes if no one posts in your journal you feel like you're talking to yourself right? I've actualy checked your journal a few times.