[j2_da_k]

I'm love my girlfriend. I bought her a promise ring after two months. We want to get married when she graduates (I'm getting my GED this month). I have been told by many people that getting married young is a bad idea. While my parents got married young and are now happily divorced, I know several couples that got married young and have made it.

My pastor and his wife - He was 17 and she was 15. They're an amazing couple.

My youth pastor and his wife- Started dating at sixteen, married at eighteen. Just like me and my girlfriend want to be.

Couple at my church - She was eighteen and he was twenty-four. They're happy as can be.

I have more, but I'm too lazy to list them all. I guess I just don't see why people tell you it's a bad idea, when it can work very well. Does anyone know a success rate for couple who get married when younger than 20? I know that people are getting married older now than ever before, and the divorce rate is higher than ever before. I just don't understand it. Please, advice anyone.

[jthomas1600]

I'm no expert, but one thing I've heard is that peoples personalities are still forming at 17,18, evan 22, 23 years old so if you mary young you might not have as much in common 5 years down the road as you thought. It is also more likely that you will be more stable financialy and nothing strains a marriage like wondering if you're going to be able to pay the rent this month. Interesting that 2 of the 3 couples you listed are in the ministry. If you are as commited to your faith, the word of God, the church etc. as they are that could offset some of the pitfalls of marring young. Just a question though, what would prevent the two of you from waiting 2-3 years. I have known of many people who have had 2-3 year engagements.

[j2_da_k]

Because I don't see a point in it. Financially, I'm starting classes in the fall to be an architectural drafter. She's gonna take an 11 month course after she graduates to become an LPN. Between both of us, we should make $60,000 give or take about $10,000, so I don't think finances will be an issue. And a person's personality will change their whole life. I also have some other examples.

My great grandparents - They are celebrating their 60th anniversary tomorrow. They got married when she was 15 and he was 19. I have never seen two people so in love.

My uncle and his wife - He was 19 and she was 18.

My other uncle and his wife - They started dating when he was 16 and she was 14. The got married when he was 20 and she was 18.

My girlfriend's grandparents - She was 12 and he was 14. I wish I was kidding.

None of them are in the ministry. Like I said, I just don't see a point. I mean, bad stuff will happen to any couple at any age. What's important is that you love each other, right? That you take the heat. I am no fool. I know we won't always feel like loving each other, but love is a choice. Feeling should be a result of love, but they are not love itself. I just don't see what's wrong with marrying someone I'm willing to love no matter what.

[jthomas1600]

I'm not saying you have to be in the ministry to make it work, you have to be commited to Christ. A commitment to Christ will help you over come a great deal. It doesn't sound like you want to be talked out of this so I am not going to try. You are right, many great marriages started out early and my hope and prayer for you would be that your's would turn out as great as the examples you gave. Good luck.

[j2_da_k]

Originally Posted by jthomas1600

I'm not saying you have to be in the ministry to make it work, you have to be commited to Christ. A commitment to Christ will help you over come a great deal. It doesn't sound like you want to be talked out of this so I am not going to try. You are right, many great marriages started out early and my hope and prayer for you would be that your's would turn out as great as the examples you gave. Good luck.

I appreciate your input. I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining my reasoning. If you see any flaws, please feel free to point them out. I'm sorry if I sound defensive. You can imagine the conflict this has put me through. What I feel is right goes against everything I've ever been taught.

[H.M. Murdock]

Originally Posted by j2_da_k

Because I don't see a point in it.

How long have you been in a relationship with her? How well do the two of you communicate? How much "real world" experience do the two of you have?
All of that is basically to go the long way about asking, "What's the point in hurrying?" While I see nothing wrong with getting married young, I see a number of things that irk me about getting married in a hurry, or being too stubborn and impatient to wait and see if things can work out, or establish yourself in a place where you can concentrate on your marriage rather than school, starting your career, or even deciding on a school/picking your career. It's not a must-have, but often the wisest course of action is to get as many other things out of the way as you can before actually getting married. Have a relationship, sure, but not a marriage. Not yet.

Financially, I'm starting classes in the fall to be an architectural drafter. She's gonna take an 11 month course after she graduates to become an LPN. Between both of us, we should make $60,000 give or take about $10,000, so I don't think finances will be an issue.

Will that support you long-term? It's not really a relevant question, but it's an important thing to consider in general- will the job you choose support your normal costs of living, plus enough to build a sufficient saving, as well as other surprises that come along? Think expensive- totaled vehicles, babies, surgery and cancer.

None of them are in the ministry. Like I said, I just don't see a point. I mean, bad stuff will happen to any couple at any age. What's important is that you love each other, right? That you take the heat. I am no fool. I know we won't always feel like loving each other, but love is a choice. Feeling should be a result of love, but they are not love itself. I just don't see what's wrong with marrying someone I'm willing to love no matter what.

These are all true statements, but the most common argument against marrying young- very young, in your case- is that the parties involved haven't really matched their ideals to the world around them. You and her may both be forced to go through some changes that, while they wouldn't mean you couldn't love each other any more, it would make a hasty marriage a fool's errand in that you may end up being ill-suited for each other after you've grown to live in a world with no safety net.

Think of it this way- you're young. Very young. I am going to go out on a limb and say that she is young as well; from the couples you've listed, I'd even say she's the same age as you or younger. In loving her, you must keep her wellbeing in mind as much as humanly possible. At this point, can you say with all confidence that marrying her at such a young age when you are both in such a confusing, developmental stage of your lives (physically, yes, but I'm talking about culture here)?

Also, just on the side- you're 16. Why will you be getting a GED this fall? If you're homeschooled and your state doesn't recognize your education, that's one thing- I am fortunate enough to have a valid diploma from a state-wide homeschooling organization. If that's not the case, however, I have to wonder why you aren't finishing high school?

[Sean]

Here are my reasons why it's wise to wait a few years:

1) Most people mature a great deal during the college years

2) Most teens in our current culture aren't mature enough for marriage

3) Money...especially if you're in college

4) Lack of life experience

5) Waiting until you're older gives you the opportunity to do things you can't do when you're married. Friendships change when you get married. You can't run off and go on a mission trip on a whim. You can't join a band and go on tour.

Originally Posted by j2_da_k

Because I don't see a point in it.

Consider this. Most of the people who are telling you it's wise to wait til you're a bit older are older than you and they're married. The reason they see the "point" is that they've lived through the ages of 18-22 and they've gone through the first years of marriage. They're looking back on their experiences when they advise you. You can't see the point because you don't share the experience of being 20 or of being married. This is precisely why it's important we listen to the advise and wisdom of those who are older and who have experiences we don't have.

Financially, I'm starting classes in the fall to be an architectural drafter. She's gonna take an 11 month course after she graduates to become an LPN. Between both of us, we should make $60,000 give or take about $10,000, so I don't think finances will be an issue.

You're going to be making $60,000 when you get married?

And a person's personality will change their whole life.

Of course but you're missing the point. People can change drastically between the ages of 18 and 22. This is the stage of life where most people discover who they are, learn to take care of themselves and live on their own apart from their parents.

If you get married when you're 18, you're jumping straight from being a child, who is supported by and living with your parents, to be a married man who is responsible for supporting a family. That's a pretty big jump. It's a really big jump if you're also a college student with a job.

I didn't go off to college until I was 23. So my first year I was hanging around a lot of 18 year olds. So were more mature than others, but a lot of them seemed like little kids to me. Most of the seniors at my school moved off campus because they didn't like being around the freshman due to their maturity.

Of course, there are extremely mature 18 year olds, and there are extremely immature 50 year olds. However, most people mature a great deal during the "college years."

My great grandparents - They are celebrating their 60th anniversary tomorrow. They got married when she was 15 and he was 19. I have never seen two people so in love.

My uncle and his wife - He was 19 and she was 18.

My other uncle and his wife - They started dating when he was 16 and she was 14. The got married when he was 20 and she was 18.

My girlfriend's grandparents - She was 12 and he was 14. I wish I was kidding.

My pastor and his wife - He was 17 and she was 15. They're an amazing couple.

My youth pastor and his wife- Started dating at sixteen, married at eighteen. Just like me and my girlfriend want to be.

Couple at my church - She was eighteen and he was twenty-four. They're happy as can be.

My dad married his first wife when he was 19. They were divorced a couple years later.

My mom married my dad when she was 19. They later got divorced.


I'm sure we can exchange stories for a long time.

One problem with pointing back to parents and grandparents is that culture has changed a great deal over the last 50 years. Many of our grand parents grew up during the depression and WWII. They faced a great many more adult situations from a young age. They also grew up in a time when a college education wasn't as necessary to get a good job. For that matter, college prices have skyrocketed over the last 20 years. I've talked to people who are only 20 years older than me who said that if they worked full-time over the summer they could save enough money to pay all their college bills for the next year.

Obviously it can work to get married young, but I'm not certain that giving examples of people who were married 60 years ago is a good way to show its a good idea today.

Like I said, I just don't see a point. I mean, bad stuff will happen to any couple at any age.

Right, bad stuff WILL happen to every couple. What's important is how you deal with it. This is precisely where maturity (which normally increases with age) and experience matter. The older you are, the more prepared you are to deal with difficult situations. Likewise, with age you better learn to deal with conflict.

Obviously, some people (lots of people) never learn these skills and get divorced many times because of it.

What's important is that you love each other, right? That you takes the heat. I am no fool. I know we won't always feel like loving each other, but love is a choice. Feeling should be a result of love, but they are not love itself. I just don't see what's wrong with marrying someone I'm willing to love no matter what.

It's much easier to say than do. It's also easier to say that when things are good rather than bad. And your understanding of what that means will only grow as you get older.

Originally Posted by j2_da_k

What I feel is right goes against everything I've ever been taught.

Why are you in a rush to get married?

[Jeffrey]

Originally Posted by j2_da_k

What I feel is right goes against everything I've ever been
taught.

Well, without being snide, if you accept the current narrative of American values, you'll do what you feel is right, damn the rest.

But, the narrative you seem to be following is that of Christ's Church. As a result, you and your wife should be interacting with the same church eldership. I would let them settle this issue. If you feel you are truly in love with this young woman, you can wait a year, two years, five years.

[bobthecockroach]

I think Sean basically said it all. Please at least admit this, there are good reasons to wait.

[ryan a johnson]

I guess just for further input, I also agree with Sean's post.

I dated two girls in highschool that at the time I could see myself marrying at some point in the near future.
I am so glad I didn't. Granted, you and I are probably different people, but I am 23 now and I feel like I'm just now figuring out who I am as a person. The point made about culture is an important one. Your grandparents lived quite different lives than you do.

I think that some waiting would be a good idea.

[danlong]

I'm going to be a bit rude and crude here, but hear me out please. Going through the postings I see some attempts to assuage your hopes while adding well qualified constructive criticism. I was following along fine until I saw your age come up which explains the examples you keep pulling up, typically from a different era and/or discipline. Many valid Red Flags have been raised.

what I see:

*you're 16
*you're getting your GED ( not HSED?) and precluding a normal high school date ( up here they won't issue a GED until your normal graduation period).
*you figured you're in love and ready to be married within 2 months.

ok, age, 16.
Unless you've been raised under a very obvious and disciplined parental and church tutorialage where you've learned that love is more then emotional wanting and can't stand to be without her, then it's unlikely that you're even remotely ready, given todays culture. Actually, the gushy, feely emotional aspects are a smaller part of love. Your parents are happily divorced, so you've been taught, possibly, some of what doesn't work, but not what does.

You gave a promise ring after 2 months. In your examples, I'm quite sure these people had a long history together before marriage ( the ministry couples probably long time in the church as kids) where the respect, admiration and long suffering have been going on before marriage was even a topic. You even gave, in your not ministry examples, started dating at 16 married at 20. That would be a 4 year wait.

GED at 16. Others brought it up also. Why? Three quarters of what you learn in school and take with you is the discipline of seeing something through to the end, putting forth the effort. That's what employers are looking at, are you faithful, persevering. Yet you're exhibiting a tendancy to short circuit the system. How can you expect to be able to last enduringly in the most difficult contract you can get into, that being marriage? Again why a GED, don't they have HSED ( high school equivalence degree)?

and feelings? Feeling love? This statement alone is what signals to adults that you need some redirection or a calm talking to. Feelings and emotions are, especially at your age, a chemical thing that settles down over time.

I don't particularly believe in long engagements but that's for established adults. Become an adult first, see these plans of yours through first, get that job first. Then, if you still like the girl, find out if you love the girl, then, even, sometimes marriage isn't the option, but you're great friends.

en Agape'

[j2_da_k]

Originally Posted by Sean

Here are my reasons why it's wise to wait a few years:

1) Most people mature a great deal during the college years

2) Most teens in our current culture aren't mature enough for marriage

3) Money...especially if you're in college

4) Lack of life experience

5) Waiting until you're older gives you the opportunity to do things you can't do when you're married. Friendships change when you get married. You can't run off and go on a mission trip on a whim. You can't join a band and go on tour.

1) I have many friends who are in college. Even they will tell you that I am more mature than most of them. They mostly think I'm a bore. I consider myself to be more mature than the average college sophomore.

2) I'm not like most teens.

3) If things work out (and I'm not delusional enough to assume they will) I should be out of tech school by the time I'm eighteen. We plan to get married the summer after we finish our tech programs.

4) I've not experienced everything there is to know about life, but I've got two years to gain experience in dealing with this girl before we get married. The rest I'll learn as I go. That's just my normal tendency.

5) If God wanted me do those things, wouldn't he make a way for me to do them anyways? And they would just seem half-empty without her anyways.

I see lots of good reasons not to get married young, but I also see lots of good reasons not to get married at all. I also see lots of reasons to get married young. I could be a bachelor my whole life and be happy, but would I be my happiest?

I'm really not trying to be argumentative, but I don't see a good biblical reason not to get married young. I realize culture has changed, but what does that mean to me? I'm in this world, but not of it. I view this as a simple secular rule that has nothing to do with any biblical concept whatsoever.

I'm not the romantic type. I'm not the kind of person to do something just because I feel like it. I'm not gonna run out and marry her tomorrow. I have two years before we can even think about this. (time to finish our schooling). But at the rate I'm growing up, I think I could be ready for this.

[Sean]

Originally Posted by j2_da_k

3) If things work out (and I'm not delusional enough to assume they will) I should be out of tech school by the time I'm eighteen. We plan to get married the summer after we finish our tech programs.

4) I've not experienced everything there is to know about life, but I've got two years to gain experience in dealing with this girl before we get married. The rest I'll learn as I go. That's just my normal tendency.

By lack of experience, I mean you have no experience as an adult (this is the generic you not you personally). You haven't dealt with serious life change. Many haven't faced serious tragedy. You haven't lived on your own.

So if things go as you've planned, as soon as you graduate from tech school you'll be married, starting adult life, moving out on your own, having to support yourself, and starting a full-time career. That's a lot of change to deal with all at once. That's five very large changes and new experiences.

5) If God wanted me do those things, wouldn't he make a way for me to do them anyways? And they would just seem half-empty without her anyways.

Sure. If God has a very specific will for you to do those things for His kingdom I'm sure He'll make it happen. But it's really not a good idea to count on divine intervention. I need to get a job right now. I could sit around at home doing nothing saying to myself, "If God wants me to get a job, he'll make a way for me to get a job." However, the wiser course of action is to send out resumes.

There are many things in life you may want to experience. You can wait for God to throw it into your lap or you can go and do it. Some of these things don't mesh well with married life. Therefore, it's wise to do them before your married. That way it doesn't require divine intervention.

I see lots of good reasons not to get married young, but I also see lots of good reasons not to get married at all. I also see lots of reasons to get married young. I could be a bachelor my whole life and be happy, but would I be my happiest?

What is a good example of a reason to get married young?

I'm really not trying to be argumentative, but I don't see a good biblical reason not to get married young.

I'm sure what your point is. I don't think I've ever heard anyone claim it's unbiblical to get married young. No one is claiming this is a biblical idea. All we've claimed is that we're speaking from our experiences. The Bible doesn't give commands about what age we're supposed to get married.

I realize culture has changed, but what does that mean to me? I'm in this world, but not of it.

You've completely missed the point of what we were saying about "culture."

I view this as a simple secular rule that has nothing to do with any biblical concept whatsoever.

How is this not an argumentative statement? You asked for the "benefits," and now you're dismissing our answers as "secular." If by secular you mean it's not a directly biblical concept then you are correct. However, you are talking about the council of believers who are older than you who are trying to share their experiences and wisdom. Writing it off as secular because it isn't directly biblical isn't the wisest course of action.

But at the rate I'm growing up, I think I could be ready for this.

What does that mean?

[athanatos]

Love (agape) is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ...

"Is patient" is the first on the list.

[MtlMom]

My husband and I fell in love when he was 17 and I was 16. Those feelings were real, and more intense than anyone could have imagined. We got married right after I graduated from high school, two years later. We are still happily married after 30 years, but I'm telling you - it wasn't easy.

We both gave up full college scholarships to get married. We worked our way through college. We put him through first, then me, working full-time and going to school full-time. We put off starting a family until we both finished college, which took a lot longer than it should have. We had a lot of debt that we had to pay off. It took us years to be able to afford to buy a house.

I look back at the number of mistakes we made and just shake my head. It is only by the grace of God that we made it. If we had waited just 2 more years we could have avoided so many pitfalls.

If your love is real, it will wait. Turn your energy towards growing the qualities that will make you a good husband and father some day. Grow in God, and wait for His perfect timing.