What are the benefits of not marrying young?

Folk_guy · 06-12-2008, 05:32 PM

Well as a person who got married young (I was 19, she was 23), and has made it last (we have now been married coming up on 29 years), I can still tell you that there are good reasons to wait. You obviously can get married young and make it last, and you can list a lot of people who have done it. I can also list just as many people who got married young and are now devorced. All of those people thought they were in Love, and thought they were mature, and ready enough. Most of them if you asked them now would tell you that they weren't. The biggest thing that has kept our marriage together over all these years is our faith, and our belief that God wants us to honor the committment we made to our spouses befor him.

There are many practical reasons for waiting:
1) Marriage is a work in progress, it requires putting your spouse, and their needs first. It is very difficult to do this and for both of you to try to complete college, and establish a carreer.
2) If you get married you will be legally emancipated from your parents, you won't be eligible to remain on their health care plan while in college (which you could if single).
3) Have you talked to your parents about your plans? How do they feel about this? Are you planning on them financially supporting you in any way while in school (perhaps room and board which isn't covered by most scholarships), and if you are, are they willing to still do this if you get married?

Why the hurry to get married? Why not date for most of your College carreer and if still, in love get married closer to graduation? I got married at 19, but I wasn't in college, I had a Job (I was in the Navy at the time), and was able to support a family provide them with health care, a place to live, put food on the table clothes on their back, etc. If you are in love and you are confident that your are right for each other, than what's wrong with a long engagement period? Marriage isn't easy, college isn't easy, and trying to do both things at once is going to be extremely difficult.

j2_da_k · 06-12-2008, 07:53 PM

Get off the college kick. I'm not smart enough for college. I'm going to a tech school. That's more my thing.

Folk_guy · 06-12-2008, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by j2_da_k

Get off the college kick. I'm not smart enough for college. I'm going to a tech school. That's more my thing.

Nothing wrong with tech school, the world needs skilled tradesmen, mechanics welders, carpenters, etc. I must have missread your post. My point is I would suggest waiting until your finished school (tech or otherwise) and have started a carreer. Continue to date until you can support a family financially.

j2_da_k · 06-13-2008, 08:10 AM

I will once again reiterate that I am 16, and do not plan to marry this girl until I'm 18. That gives me two years to learn a trade. I'm also considering the national guard when I'm 17.

Nate · 06-13-2008, 08:49 AM

Dude, it sounds like you've already made up your mind, which is fine, but now you're getting a little bellicose about it. What's the deal?

**beanbag** · 06-13-2008, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Epaphras

It's illegal for an employer to not hire you due to family situation (including pregnancy).

If by 'more difficult' you mean more stressful, more "weighty", and more urgent, then yes. But if you mean in terms of employers not wanting to pay benefits for a family, that is illegal. Not saying it doesn't happen (they find other legal reasons not to hire you), but they can't flat-out reject you just because you are pregnant or even married. We talked about this in my intro to education class freshman year (I started college wanting to be a teacher). Apparently a lot of schools find clever ways to reject hire newly-married women since the chances of them getting pregnant soon are very high and they'll leave after two or three years on maternity leave.

I meant the pressured, stressful, "weighty" part.

like, take me. I live with my parents right now. I'd really like to find a job, but I definitely have a safety net. I am constantly on the lookout for something I can apply for. but, it's not urgent. I can freeload off my parents until I find something I can do and start making money. imagine if I had a family to support. I might be able to still live with my parents (I know they'd have me and my theoretical family) but it would be a lot harder to manage and the urgency level for finding a job to support myself and my family would skyrocket. especially if I were male, because let's face it...even with all the gender equality stuff going on, men are still driven even more than women to support their families because it's the way you all were created. that's basically what I meant by more difficult.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate

Dude, it sounds like you've already made up your mind, which is fine, but now you're getting a little bellicose about it. What's the deal?

seconded.

j2_da_k · 06-13-2008, 03:14 PM

Sorry. I'm not trying to sound offensive. That last post did sound a little rough. I'm just on edge about this subject. I'm under a lot of stress right now. Her parents don't like the idea, but not for the same reasons you guys don't. They don't like the idea of me "taking away their little girl". I just can't bare to see her deal with her parents much longer. They're really strict and cruel to her. Some of the things they say would fall under the category of verbal abuse to me. But we can't really do anything about that. I love her very much, and I want to respect her parents wishes, but I also want to respect hers. I'm trying to go into the National Guard as soon as I can. She wants to be engaged before I do that. I realize that everything with us has gone very fast, but believe me when I tell you that this is not the standard relationship.

I fell in love with her when I thought that I would never love anybody. She was my best friend. I used to tell her all the time that I never wanted to marry anyone. She would just shyly smile and tell me that one day I'd find someone who I couldn't resist. I never thought it would be her. I mean, I always enjoyed being around her, and I respected her in a way that I had never respected any woman before. I just never thought a girl like her would ever be interested in a guy like me. I'm not exactly a perfect example of academic success, and I'm by no means a looker. But we care for each other. We want each other to be happy.

All of this mixed with the pressure of trying to decide what technical course to enter and what to do in the National Guard has put me on edge and very defensive. Bellicose is the right word. I'm sorry if I've been offensive. I didn't start this thread to argue, I promise. I just wanted to see what the other side might be thinking. Everyone here has brought up a lot of good intelligent points, and I'm sorry if I've just been smacking them down. I'm working very hard at figuring life out right now, and it's a lot of pressure. You guys have done a good job of explaining why to me.

But I think I can handle it. This has all been a huge learning experience for me. Thank you guys. Keep this conversation up if you still have more to say. I will try to reply and explain myself more calmly and humbly. Thank you all!

Folk_guy · 06-14-2008, 11:19 AM

I don't think you were offensive more defensive. I understand your position. when I was 16 I was in a hurry to get on with my adult life, and get away from a situation at home that although not horendous, wasn't the greatest either. I doubled up on English, and had enough credits to graduate at the end of my junior year. I decided I wanted to learn a trade also, and went into the Navy at 17 with my parents permission. When I got out of the Navy I joined an Army Reserve Band which I'm now retired from. Although I don't regret marrying my wife, there are things I would have done differently if I could start over. I personally wouldn't have gone into the Navy to get my carreer training. There are civilian trade schools that do a better job of preparing you for a Civilian carreer than the armed forces schools which are very specific to the military gear you will be working on. I was an electronic technician in the Navy in the advanced electronics program, and my brother was a mechinist mate. We both wound up having to take college courses in our chosen fields to get decent employment when we got off active duty. I would have gone to a two year college instead if I had it do over. Since I had to get a two year degree after I got out, as a part time student trying to support a family it was very tough. I realize you say college isn't for you, but consider a good civilian trade school or aprenticeship program with a local Electrical, Plumbing, carpenter, mason, or other skilled tradesmen.

As someone who is very familiar with the Armed forces, and the reserves I can tell you that although the National Guard is a great way to earn a little extra money, and posibly pay for civilian schooling (I know they have a tuition reimbursement for college, I'm not sure if that is applicable to non-acredited trade schools, so you'll want to ask about that) investigate the amount and type of training you will be getting from the National Guard thoroughly. A lot of the Armed forces training isn't directly transferable to civilian occupations without additional training from civilian sources. Also ask how many tours of duty the unit your going into has done in Iraq, or Afghanistan and for how long. A large portion of the forces over in Iraq and Afganistan now are reservists, and guardsmen. I'm not telling you this to tell you not to go into the National Guard, but do your homework and know what you're signing up for. The National guard isn't 1 weekend a month, and two weeks in the summer anymore. I've known reservists and Guardsmen who have done multiple one year tours in Iraq, and Afghanistan. There are things the recruiters won't tell you unless you ask, and even then some may be inclined to stretch the truth. So do your homework, ask a lot of questions, and find out for sure that is what you want to do.

You wanted to know the disadvantages of getting married young, well here is the big one for me and from my experience. At the age of 16, 17, 18, etc. you don't have much job and adult life experience yet, and you haven't fully decided what you want to do with your life (many people change their mind after they start their carreers). It is very hard to change gears and go in another carreer path when people are financially depending on you. I suspect that this isn't going to sway you since you seem to have already decided what you want to do, and it appears that what you wanted was validation, instead of honest answers to the question you posed.

You are in love with this young lady, and she is unhappy and you want to provide for her an option that will make her happy. These are valid and worthy sentiments, but keep in mind that as an adult we derive a great deal of satisfaction pride, and happiness from what we do for a living. You will spend 8 hours a day 5 days a week + over time making a living over the rest of your life until you retire (probably sometime in your 60s. That's a lot of hours to spend doing something that you may decide you don't like to do. You've put a lot of thought and time thinking about your girl friends situation, and how to help her get out of it. Put just as much time and effort into deciding what you want to do with your life after school. If you are unhappy with your carreer choice, and wind up in a job you don't like neither one of you will be happy in the long run.

j2_da_k · 06-17-2008, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Folk_guy

I don't think you were offensive more defensive. I understand your position. when I was 16 I was in a hurry to get on with my adult life, and get away from a situation at home that although not horendous, wasn't the greatest either. I doubled up on English, and had enough credits to graduate at the end of my junior year. I decided I wanted to learn a trade also, and went into the Navy at 17 with my parents permission. When I got out of the Navy I joined an Army Reserve Band which I'm now retired from. Although I don't regret marrying my wife, there are things I would have done differently if I could start over. I personally wouldn't have gone into the Navy to get my carreer training. There are civilian trade schools that do a better job of preparing you for a Civilian carreer than the armed forces schools which are very specific to the military gear you will be working on. I was an electronic technician in the Navy in the advanced electronics program, and my brother was a mechinist mate. We both wound up having to take college courses in our chosen fields to get decent employment when we got off active duty. I would have gone to a two year college instead if I had it do over. Since I had to get a two year degree after I got out, as a part time student trying to support a family it was very tough. I realize you say college isn't for you, but consider a good civilian trade school or aprenticeship program with a local Electrical, Plumbing, carpenter, mason, or other skilled tradesmen.

As someone who is very familiar with the Armed forces, and the reserves I can tell you that although the National Guard is a great way to earn a little extra money, and posibly pay for civilian schooling (I know they have a tuition reimbursement for college, I'm not sure if that is applicable to non-acredited trade schools, so you'll want to ask about that) investigate the amount and type of training you will be getting from the National Guard thoroughly. A lot of the Armed forces training isn't directly transferable to civilian occupations without additional training from civilian sources. Also ask how many tours of duty the unit your going into has done in Iraq, or Afghanistan and for how long. A large portion of the forces over in Iraq and Afganistan now are reservists, and guardsmen. I'm not telling you this to tell you not to go into the National Guard, but do your homework and know what you're signing up for. The National guard isn't 1 weekend a month, and two weeks in the summer anymore. I've known reservists and Guardsmen who have done multiple one year tours in Iraq, and Afghanistan. There are things the recruiters won't tell you unless you ask, and even then some may be inclined to stretch the truth. So do your homework, ask a lot of questions, and find out for sure that is what you want to do.

You wanted to know the disadvantages of getting married young, well here is the big one for me and from my experience. At the age of 16, 17, 18, etc. you don't have much job and adult life experience yet, and you haven't fully decided what you want to do with your life (many people change their mind after they start their carreers). It is very hard to change gears and go in another carreer path when people are financially depending on you. I suspect that this isn't going to sway you since you seem to have already decided what you want to do, and it appears that what you wanted was validation, instead of honest answers to the question you posed.

You are in love with this young lady, and she is unhappy and you want to provide for her an option that will make her happy. These are valid and worthy sentiments, but keep in mind that as an adult we derive a great deal of satisfaction pride, and happiness from what we do for a living. You will spend 8 hours a day 5 days a week + over time making a living over the rest of your life until you retire (probably sometime in your 60s. That's a lot of hours to spend doing something that you may decide you don't like to do. You've put a lot of thought and time thinking about your girl friends situation, and how to help her get out of it. Put just as much time and effort into deciding what you want to do with your life after school. If you are unhappy with your carreer choice, and wind up in a job you don't like neither one of you will be happy in the long run.

I appreciate that post. That was probably the most humbling and helpful one so far. Thank you.

Folk_guy · 06-17-2008, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by j2_da_k

I appreciate that post. That was probably the most humbling and helpful one so far. Thank you.

You're welcome!! I just wanted to share my experiences with you, since there were a lot of similarities, between what you describe, and what was going on in my life at your age.