Talking to Dad

WorshipJesus · 06-02-2008, 11:15 PM

Hello my fellow CGR family,

I was wondering what you thought about "the guy" going to talk to "the girl's" dad before he dates her to ask permission to date her or to tell him that he is interested in her? Of course there are situations where that isn't possible, but let's leave those out for now.

My thoughts are like this:
If a guy wants to date a girl who is still living under her parent's roof and he doesn't go talk to the dad, he is a coward. He should tell the dad what his intentions and motives are, and the dad should have the right to know everything and ask anything to the guy who wants to date is daughter.. and the the guy should be able to answer everything honestly and openly.

What are your thoughts from a guy's perspective? girl's perspective?

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 06-02-2008, 11:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorshipJesus

Hello my fellow CGR family,

I was wondering what you thought about "the guy" going to talk to "the girl's" dad before he dates her to ask permission to date her or to tell him that he is interested in her? Of course there are situations where that isn't possible, but let's leave those out for now.

My thoughts are like this:
If a guy wants to date a girl who is still living under her parent's roof and he doesn't go talk to the dad, he is a coward.

My thoughts are that this is just plain rude. There are a lot of situations where dads are not people worth talking to, and talking to them will merely cause problems for all parties involved. As I have said before, and I say again, not all dads are good people. And a lot of dads will think this is just plain weird and you are up to something for so doing.

Quote:

He should tell the dad what his intentions and motives are, and the dad should have the right to know everything and ask anything to the guy who wants to date is daughter.. and the the guy should be able to answer everything honestly and openly.

What are your thoughts from a guy's perspective? girl's perspective?

Honestly, is there any reason the Bible says that the father should know everything? Furthermore, is that respectful to the girl? I can think of a ton of things my wife would not have wanted me to tell her dad.

This might work in a perfect world, but respect the relationship. And telling all to her dad is not respecting the relationship.

tigerfan88 · 06-02-2008, 11:42 PM

In my case, I would not like a potential boyfriend going to my dad and asking him if it's OK to pursue a relationship without first talking to me. It'd kind of offend me that he was pulling my dad into something that hasn't even begun. Further, like Bill pointed out is sometimes the case, my dad would probably think he's strange.

bobthecockroach · 06-02-2008, 11:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorshipJesus

the dad should have the right to know everything and ask anything to the guy who wants to date is daughter.. and the the guy should be able to answer everything honestly and openly.

Why?

jthomas1600 · 06-02-2008, 11:56 PM

My daughters are 9 and 11 so I will be dealing with this in a few years. While I don't expect to be asked permission I do expect the young man to be willing to meet my wife and I and to be open and honest with us.

**Rainer.** · 06-03-2008, 12:03 AM

I'd also see if the girl agrees to dating before going to the dad, but I'd agree with Bill, too. It's a nice idea if the world was perfect and all relationships similar, but sometimes life just doesn't work out to an ideal.

I know that I've just tried to build a good relationship with my girlfriend's parents, though I never explicitly asked permission.

**thesteve** · 06-03-2008, 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

My thoughts are that this is just plain rude. There are a lot of situations where dads are not people worth talking to, and talking to them will merely cause problems for all parties involved. As I have said before, and I say again, not all dads are good people. And a lot of dads will think this is just plain weird and you are up to something for so doing.

Additionally, I think if I was a female adult (say...22) living at home and a guy asked my father for permission to date me, I'd find it really weird...at 22 (or 21, or even 18), I would think she'd be able to make her own decisions.

ryan a johnson · 06-03-2008, 12:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jthomas1600

My daughters are 9 and 11 so I will be dealing with this in a few years. While I don't expect to be asked permission I do expect the young man to be willing to meet my wife and I and to be open and honest with us.

I think that's a good way to look at it.
I know my sister's now ex-boyfriend always avoided my parents and only came over when they weren't home. They didn't like it at all.
Being willing to develop a relationship with the parents is a sign of respect, while I think asking for permission is just an archaic practice.

tigerfan88 · 06-03-2008, 07:55 AM

I agree. I think meeting the parents once you've started dating is a must. That's what I want in future relationships, as it's important to get things started on the right foot.

Iceman-bass14 · 06-03-2008, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorshipJesus

My thoughts are like this:
If a guy wants to date a girl who is still living under her parent's roof and he doesn't go talk to the dad, he is a coward. He should tell the dad what his intentions and motives are,

Well i know for a fact my girlfriends dad couldnt care less and wouldve found me really weird if i had asked him.

Quote:

and the dad should have the right to know everything and ask anything to the guy who wants to date is daughter.. and the the guy should be able to answer everything honestly and openly.

When you mean everything what do you mean?He doesnt need to know everything in my personal life and what i do at home for me to date his daughter.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jthomas1600

My daughters are 9 and 11 so I will be dealing with this in a few years. While I don't expect to be asked permission I do expect the young man to be willing to meet my wife and I and to be open and honest with us.

Definitely.I have spent a good bit of time with my girlfriends parents,her mom and i usually hang out during for volleyball matches and its good to talk together and spend time together.

Dr. Worm · 06-03-2008, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorshipJesus

My thoughts are like this:
If a guy wants to date a girl who is still living under her parent's roof and he doesn't go talk to the dad, he is a coward. He should tell the dad what his intentions and motives are, and the dad should have the right to know everything and ask anything to the guy who wants to date is daughter.. and the the guy should be able to answer everything honestly and openly.

What are your thoughts from a guy's perspective? girl's perspective?

My first thought is that asking the dad's permission to date his daughter is just weird, as others have said, and probably raises more questions about you than it answers. If there is ever a dad out there who expects to be asked, I'm pretty sure his daughter will let you know that when you ask her out. Second, I want to emphasize the point that not all dads are good. Getting him involved against the girl's wishes is highly disrespectful of her, and could create serious problems that you don't want to create. And based on my own experiences, it is not fair to just assume that the dad is a good guy or has a loving relationship with his daughter, even if all outward appearances of the family would indicate so.

Basically, if the girl tells you to ask her father, fine. Otherwise, I can't for the life of me think of a good reason to do it.

**Rainer.** · 06-03-2008, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thesteve

Additionally, I think if I was a female adult (say...22) living at home and a guy asked my father for permission to date me, I'd find it really weird...at 22 (or 21, or even 18), I would think she'd be able to make her own decisions.

That's still decidedly cultural.

In my Vietnamese culture, it's pretty standard that a woman isn't completely free from her parents' influence until she is married.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigerfan88

I agree. I think meeting the parents once you've started dating is a must. That's what I want in future relationships, as it's important to get things started on the right foot.

Unless you have issues where the parents don't even want to/refuse to meet the person to begin with.

Which is unfortunately both true and common.

WorshipJesus · 06-06-2008, 10:45 AM

Sorry about the delay getting back to you guys. I've been busy with work and stuff.

I don't think that a guy has to ask a girl's dad for permission to date her. I never said that in what I thought abou this issue.

I just recently went to my girlfriend's dad to tell him what my intentions were and so he could get to know me more. (he used to give me guitar lessons but that was 6 years ago). she thought it was a lil weird because no other guy had ever done that before. I didn't ask for his permission, but I did tell him what was up because I respect him as her dad, as my friend, and as one of my worship leaders.

I specifically said that there are certain situations where this can't be done and where it shouldn't be done, and I said that those should be left out. The reason why I did that was because I knew that some people would flip out on me because talking to the dad is an outdated tradition, lol.

Now, for "the dad has the right to know everything about the guy"... If your daughter was dating a guy, wouldn't you want to know stuff about him? Of course there are boundaries, but wouldn't you want to know if he was into porn or how many relationships he's had in the past? I would! I would definitely want to know about that.. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

If you haven't noticed already, I kinda have a rep on here for being a lil fundamental and dogmatic, lol. I want you guys to know that I'm open for talk and changing my mind on stuff, but i'm not "open-minded".. that is, i'm not just gonna let anything wander into my mind without letting it filter first.

I do have another question though: Why is it so weird and strange to go talk to the dad about your intentions and motives. I'm not talking about asking for permission to date his daughter, but to just tell him what's up? It wasn't one or two generations ago where it was expected for the guy to go to the dad to ask permission to date his daughter. How is it that just talking to him is rude, indecent to her, and weird? Wouldn't it be better for the parents' minds to know that their daughters boyfriend (or whatever you want to call him) is wanting to do things right? Again, there are certain situations where this isn't possible so let's leave those out.

Thanks for all your input, guys and gals. I'll try to respond sooner this week. Have a great day!

bobthecockroach · 06-06-2008, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorshipJesus

Now, for "the dad has the right to know everything about the guy"... If your daughter was dating a guy, wouldn't you want to know stuff about him? Of course there are boundaries, but wouldn't you want to know if he was into porn or how many relationships he's had in the past? I would! I would definitely want to know about that.. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

You're just answering a question with a question here, and also with an appeal to emotion rather than a real argument. Just because I might feel like I would want to know if I hypothetically put myself into a position I've never been in doesn't mean the dad has the right to know everything about the guy. Again I ask... why?

WorshipJesus · 06-06-2008, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobthecockroach

You're just answering a question with a question here, and also with an appeal to emotion rather than a real argument. Just because I might feel like I would want to know if I hypothetically put myself into a position I've never been in doesn't mean the dad has the right to know everything about the guy. Again I ask... why?

Good question.. I would say for the protection of your daughter. Physically and spiritually..