Any other older singles frustrated?

Playn4God · 05-21-2008, 04:05 PM

*Older than most CGR users, I'm 22

So, I'm Phil, and I used to post a lot here in high school. I'm just about now done with college (one semester left as an internship put me a semester behind!), and I really have had the time of my life! God used my school to really teach me a lot. I was someone who came to college with not a lot of self confidence, and kind of "awkward" in social situations, however God directed me towards a fraternity and used my brothers to help boost my confidence and become more comfortable in large, "worldly" social situations as opposed to just my few buddies in church. Needless to say, I came out of school a very different person from who I originally was.

However, there is one aspect of my life I have struggled with, dating. Even at a school where there are almost 3 girls (drop dead gorgeous girls on top of that) to every single guy, I have struggled in this area quite a bit. I attribute most of it to my low confidence and self-esteem I had throughout my first half of college, but like I said those days are pretty much gone (even though girls still scare the crap out of me sometimes as I never really was in a serious relationship and not very experienced in my composure around girls I'm attracted to!!!). I just always seem to enter the "friend zone" with girls, and I guess I just don't understand why that always happens?! Honestly, on paper, I wouldn't think I would have tons of trouble. My "girl" friends tell me I'm pretty attractive, I'm closer to the Lord than ever in my life, come from an amazing and very well respected family, and I've got one heck of a career ahead of me as a CPA

.

So what's the deal? This has always been something that I've thought about, but it hasn't necessarily my top concern. However, my desire for female companionship has become stronger, and the fact that I have never really had that in my life just is a little difficult. I'm a very affectionate person, and it isn't fun when you don't have anyone to give that affection to. God has done some great things in my entire life of being single, such as given me some great friends and strengthened my relationship with Him, however I guess I'm just like "God, c'mon, how much longer?

Anyone else in the same boat as me? Any advice for someone who hasn't been a serious relationship like me? NOTE: Don't get me wrong, I do every now and then go on causal dates. They just never seem to go anywhere!!

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 05-22-2008, 05:50 AM

The concept of the "friend zone" is rather silly to me. The best relationships I have observed, and my own come from an area of friendship. Romance can be a natural outgrowth of close friendship. Instead of bemoaning the fact that girls want to be friends with you, if there is a girl you are interested in who you are friends with, pursue the friendship. Grow it, cultivate it, and see what happens. You might develop a good friend, it could grow to be something more, but the separation of friendship from romance is more than a little silly. What sustains a marriage most of the time? Love, commitment, and friendship. I would rank the whole knowing each other and being each others best friend and closest confidant as the simple strongest element of my marriage.

tigerfan88 · 05-22-2008, 10:58 AM

Bill's given you some solid advice, and I wholeheartedly agree with it. You also have to be willing to take the next step in letting a girl know that you like her in a more than just friends way. Otherwise, it's probably never going to progress, unless of course the girl doesn't mind initiating things, but most girls don't, so you gotta put yourself out there. The worst thing that can happen is it makes things a little awkward temporarily; the best thing that can happen is it leads to a solid relationship.

Also, don't be afraid to be single a bit longer. Focus, like you already have, on God and family and friends and you'll find some contentment in that. That's what I've learned to do and things have gone so much better for me because of it.

**redbaron** · 05-22-2008, 01:30 PM

You're not that old yet

Here's the key: Don't be impatient, don't be desperate, don't be needy or clingy.

Find contentment with who you are, and where your life is, and let God worry about the right girl. You will eventually need some gumption though.

Playn4God · 05-22-2008, 02:27 PM

Building a relationship off of a friendship, man I wish it could be that way! I think that there could be nothing better than having a girl in your life who is truly your best friend! Maybe it's just a part of Southern culture, but it just seems that girls today don't really like that progression so much. It seems that it's either start off dating, or only become friends as the girl has become so comfortable with you as a friend and doesn't want to take the risk of ruining that friendship (hence what I mean by the unescapable "friend zone"). I can think of three "girl" friends who I have known for at least a couple of years now from college who I believe would make some amazing female companions, however I'm just afraid we have fallen into that same "zone" that has prevented girls from wanting to date me in the past. Does any of that make sense? I have released this part of my life to God fairly recently, however I do know that I am at least supposed to act in some part of it, you know?

Redbaron, good advice, appearing desperate and clingy is what I have been working on for the past couple of years that I feel like I have down now. I know I'm not that old, just in comparison with CGR users.

By the way, you still have that 4Runner? I don't know if you remember me, but I was your co-moderator in the cars forum way back in the day when I used to visit CGR a lot. I actually ended up selling my '97 4Runner just a while ago, and ended up finally being able to buy my dream car, an '07 BMW 335i.

Dr. Worm · 05-22-2008, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Playn4God

Building a relationship off of a friendship, man I wish it could be that way! I think that there could be nothing better than having a girl in your life who is truly your best friend! Maybe it's just a part of Southern culture, but it just seems that girls today don't really like that progression so much.

I think that's pretty common everywhere. And if you want to play that game too, that's fine. Just be honest with yourself and realize that it's a game. If you want a girl you just met to look at you as a potential boyfriend, and not just a potential friend/confidant, you have to present yourself as a potential boyfriend. That probably means being more forward than you're used to.

Quote:

It seems that it's either start off dating, or only become friends as the girl has become so comfortable with you as a friend and doesn't want to take the risk of ruining that friendship (hence what I mean by the unescapable "friend zone"). I can think of three "girl" friends who I have known for at least a couple of years now from college who I believe would make some amazing female companions, however I'm just afraid we have fallen into that same "zone" that has prevented girls from wanting to date me in the past. Does any of that make sense? I have released this part of my life to God fairly recently, however I do know that I am at least supposed to act in some part of it, you know?

At some point, you just have to man up and go for it.

**Rainer.** · 05-22-2008, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Worm

At some point, you just have to man up and go for it.

I agree. If you always refuse to risk the status of the friendship to pursue a romantic relationship, you will never get any further than the "friends zone".

Eventually, you will just have to throw yourself out there.

rfclef · 05-22-2008, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rainer.

Eventually, you will just have to throw yourself out there.

Yes. So I just throw myself out.

There.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 05-22-2008, 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Playn4God

Building a relationship off of a friendship, man I wish it could be that way!

It can be.

Quote:

I think that there could be nothing better than having a girl in your life who is truly your best friend! Maybe it's just a part of Southern culture, but it just seems that girls today don't really like that progression so much.

I am kinda from the south myself. However, its not the normal game most people play. Its a rendition that involves no games at all, and really, I had multiple options with girls that way in some senses as several female friends were interested. The key thing with that mentality is letting things progress on their own and not worrying about friend zones and such.

Quote:

It seems that it's either start off dating, or only become friends as the girl has become so comfortable with you as a friend and doesn't want to take the risk of ruining that friendship (hence what I mean by the unescapable "friend zone").

There does come that time, but if it is an open and honest relationship, you can let it sort of see if it is taking that course. Then there is not a major shock to it. Really, there is a lot more risk involved when you start off dating someone you do not know well.

steggz · 05-22-2008, 11:04 PM

+1 to all the advice so far. My relationship with my girlfriend of a year and a bit is built on a friendship base, and it actually had that bit where one mentioned that they thought they make like the other in a more than a friend way, and the other thought it was possible (can't remember who was first).

I'm 22 as well, and didn't have a girlfriend at all till I finished high school, so I can definitely relate to your situation. My 'motto' (?) in my single time was to enjoy it while it was there. It freed me up to do things that I would not have considered if I had a girlfriend, eg. going to Colombia for 10 months on a mission trip.

Above all, you won't find out unless you ask. Be willing to make yourself vunerable and open. It may not work out, but the ability to be honest about how you feel is something very important.

Playn4God · 05-22-2008, 11:38 PM

Well, it seems that this was a pretty easily advised problem as everyone seems to be on the same page!

It seems that the overall consensus is to learn to be confident and content with being single, yet at the same time actually man up and take the chance of initiating something further than a friendship if I really have that kind of interest, even if it risks rejection. I guess I can take all of that and just wait for God to put someone in my way who can realize that a great friendship can actually form a strong foundation for an awesome romantic relationship.

I actually decided to go ahead and see if I could start "taking chances". Almost all girls I know I pretty much only get to spend time with in group settings (as with all girls, I never really have opportunities to spend time with girls one on one), therefore I decided it's time to initiate some one on one time. I already decided to ask one of those "three girls" if we could just spend some time together when I come back up to Birmingham next week (she is still trying to see can set aside time from work), and offered to take one of the others out sailing out on Mobile Bay when she comes back from her home in Chicago (she said she'd love to). So, I guess we'll just see how things play out when I spend more time with them individually.......

Kortni · 05-23-2008, 07:11 AM

omg PHIL! So basically everytime I get nostalgic and sign onto CGR I run into someone from the old days....

Congrats on being almost done with school!!!

ok, Im going to leave my off topic comment and run.....

danlong · 05-24-2008, 06:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Playn4God

*Older than most CGR users, I'm 22

Somehow I feel I walked into the wrong camp, I have grand kids......

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 05-24-2008, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by danlong

Somehow I feel I walked into the wrong camp, I have grand kids......

I let that statement go, but I would say the majority of the core of cgr is from 20-50. We have older and we have younger, but the majority of the core users are adults.

ApparentlyNothing · 05-24-2008, 04:01 PM

I don't think you're doing anything wrong really. You say you go on casual dates sometimes, but just that nothing really comes of it. I was in your shoes a little over a year ago, and then a little less than over a year ago, it just happened. I had the worst luck my whole life, just like you. I tried developing friendships with girls, but they never saw me as anything other than a friend. And it wasn't like I wasn't trying or putting myself out there. But like I said, one day, it just happened. You meet someone, get to know them, and somehow you both start liking each other. Then it's just a matter of one of the persons telling the other. You can't really force it. It just happens. In the meantime, enjoy singleness. Sure, being in a relationship has a lot of perks, but so does being single. It's nice sometimes to not have to worry about all the drama that is inevitable with relationships. Enjoy it while you can.