girlfriend not a virgin

HedbangnProphet · 04-24-2008, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Worm

But honestly, is that what you ever really believed? That the "specialness" of sexual intimacy with your spouse throughout your marriage was derived solely from the fact that you were both virgins the first time? Sex with your spouse will be special regardless, and in a way that any of her former relationships never were or even could have been.

I'm going to guess that this isn't the only sin she has ever committed. Why are you focusing so much on this one? You accept that she has sinned in other ways without condoning those sins...why is this one so different?

You've made mistakes too, and she is with you in spite of them. As I said in my previous post, you need to stop looking at this in terms of "she did something wrong, but I'm going to love her anyways". The "no matter her mistakes" part shouldn't have to be said, it is simply a part of loving someone. Everyone has made mistakes. These mistakes frequently hurt other people. C'est la vie.

I agree...i guess i never looked at it that way.

I know this is just one of many mistakes that shes made, and is in no way any more "dastardly" or sinful than the many mistakes i myself have made...i just have a bad tendency of making a gigantus deal out of things that really arent that big a deal....it happens with everything honestly. but with other mistakes i dont get constant images in my mind of her and my former friend "together" either so i suppose that doesnt help me letting go process much.

i just need to get it out of my head for good and ill be fine

ieatdirt · 04-25-2008, 02:45 PM

One thing that may help is to remember that, assumnig you found out cause she told you, it shows that shes loves you enough to put her relationship with you in jeopardy so that you would know.

HedbangnProphet · 04-25-2008, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ieatdirt

One thing that may help is to remember that, assumnig you found out cause she told you, it shows that shes loves you enough to put her relationship with you in jeopardy so that you would know.

I know. im more than thankful for everything that shes done for me and been for me.

but im gonna talk to a pastor i know, maybe have a talk...maybe consuling

i have no doubt in my mind ill get over this just fine, but i wanna make sure that its dealt with entirley now so it doesnt ever come back to mind, and i can simply love her like i want to.

tht00 · 04-25-2008, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

I know. im more than thankful for everything that shes done for me and been for me.

but im gonna talk to a pastor i know, maybe have a talk...maybe consuling

i have no doubt in my mind ill get over this just fine, but i wanna make sure that its dealt with entirley now so it doesnt ever come back to mind, and i can simply love her like i want to.

I'm not sure that's a great idea. I don't see how making a big deal about it now will make it any easier to deal with in the long term.

It certainly isn't healthy to ignore issues, but it isn't healthy to obsess over them either.

Give it some time.

**H.M. Murdock** · 04-25-2008, 03:55 PM

I don't really think that the OP is making a big deal of it, per se. It seems like he just wants to get some counseling from a person he respects to make sure that he's dealing with it properly so it doesn't resurface. That's fair smart.

HedbangnProphet · 04-25-2008, 10:39 PM

i dont even know why im so stupid...i hate myself

i shoudl have been completley over this by now...Gods given me a specail gift and what am i doing? just being a retard about this whole thing

why am i such an idiot

bobthecockroach · 04-25-2008, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

i dont even know why im so stupid...i hate myself

i shoudl have been completley over this by now...Gods given me a specail gift and what am i doing? just being a retard about this whole thing

why am i such an idiot

You aren't.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 04-25-2008, 10:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

i dont even know why im so stupid...i hate myself

i shoudl have been completley over this by now...Gods given me a specail gift and what am i doing? just being a retard about this whole thing

why am i such an idiot

Time. How long has it been? I near guarantee you it should take you a couple months at the very least to process all this.

tht00 · 04-25-2008, 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

i dont even know why im so stupid...i hate myself

i shoudl have been completley over this by now...Gods given me a specail gift and what am i doing? just being a retard about this whole thing

why am i such an idiot

Time, man. Give it time.

As you go through life, you'll find that there aren't many 'quick fixes' for problems you come across.

Emotional hurts are similar to physical hurts. If you step on a nail, you obviously need to get it taken care of (cleaned, dressed), but there's nothing you can do to make it stop hurting. So long as it's taken care of, it'll heal itself.

Certainly, different levels of emotional hurt will require different 'treatments', whether that is talking things out with a friend, pastor, etc. Next is attitude. If you can't have a positive attitude, at least get rid of negative ones (bitterness, resentment, regret). Negativeness only causes festering. Finally, time. Like I said, there are no quick fixes. Even under the most ideal of circumstances, it can take a long time to heal a deep wound.

Sorry if you took my first post the wrong way. Talking through issues with someone you trust can be incredibly beneficial, but I just wanted to warn that you can't make the issue disappear by over-processing it now.

HedbangnProphet · 04-25-2008, 11:30 PM

2 months as of today

i realized i never cried about it...i was intensly angry for a number of reasons like my "friend" (the one she was with) trying to lie to me about it and my other "friend" (who had been friends with both me and her for YEARS) trying to make her out to be some sort of whore and made fun of me because i wanted to wait with her.....but i never really cried about any of the situation

until now...i just did...still am...mostly because im mad at myself....idk. i know im not stupid but i sure feel like one...cuz i love her and some of my friends, and even my mom is like "well then just marry a virgin" im not going to give up on someone as wonderful as her just because of any one mistake, thats ridiculous...thatd be like her breaking up with me because i said a swear word. i just wanna forget any of this happend...my so called "friends" hating me just because i date her, the bad thoughts about her and him togehter

i just wanna love her in peace...and just when it seems like i can do that i fail myself it seems

it shouldnt be that hard to deal with...i just make everything a stupid big deal cuz whatever...idk

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 04-26-2008, 12:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

it shouldnt be that hard to deal with...i just make everything a stupid big deal cuz whatever...idk

It really is a big deal. And you aren't being stupid for dealing with it.

HedbangnProphet · 04-26-2008, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

It really is a big deal. And you aren't being stupid for dealing with it.

I know...im just ready to be past it completly you know? i wanna deal with it properly but like someone said, not let myself obsess over it thats not healthy at all

but im thankful for all the advice ive been given here...i didnt even expect more than like 3 replies...means alot to me

JerryLove · 04-26-2008, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

It really is a big deal. And you aren't being stupid for dealing with it.

Let me adjust that... it's a big deal *to you*, and you aren't being stupid for dealing with it.

Feelings are valid. Whether rational or irrational, you feel how you feel and it would be dishonest to simply deny those feelings.

You don't want to have them. You want to persue the chance at a life with this woman. That's a good step (you've acknowledged that you feel this way and decided that you want to be with her).

1. Know how you feel (done).
2. Understand why you feel that way.
3. Decide what you want to accomplish (done).

Two of the three basic cognitive steps seem done. Often the one that seems skipped (2) changes how you feel (1) and makes the decision (3) simple.

Having decided where you want to be, how do you get there? There have been some good suggestions... sometimes talking out how you feel helps. Sometimes giving it up to God works. Sometimes time alone solves the problem. Sometimes cognitive therapy.

In the end, you definately want to go through "2" regardless of the outcome. What else might trigger these feelings? If it's her loving someone else, then how will you feel when you have children? If its about the physical... well, same question.

You won't likely have control of how you feel, or even the basic ability to predict what will have wat effect on you without that power of "why".

How to get that comes in many of the same packages as getting over in general. Self anaylsis. Prayer. Talking it over with someone who will listen. Professional counciling.

You are not stuid for feeling this way... but validity isn't justification. You arlready know that and have already decided to persue chaning how you feel... that's usually about changing how you percieve. People succeed at it all the time. People also fail at it all the time. Good luck to you.

AS AN ASIDE TO SOME OF THE OTHER POSTERS

Anyone engaging in pre-marital sex may be as sin... but it's not a sin against someone they've not yet met. To feel that some woman must "make up for" not being a virgin offends my sensabilities pretty signifigantly (it objectifies the person)... and I think that it's terrible hubris to sit in such judgement.

So until you are ready to make up to her every time you've lusted, lied, disrespected your parents, and basicaly every sin you've ever committed... and the Bible clearly states that such attonment is impossible (hence the need for a savior), why don't you leave the judgeing to God. If someone actually commits a personal affront to you (lying *to you* for example), and you've not gotten far enough in your faith to simply forgive... then at least I can see that ammends should be made to the person that was wronged.

HedbangnProphet · 04-26-2008, 10:11 PM

Im meeting with a pastor sometime this week to talk about this...and all the little issues and drama that has come in association with it.

Im debating whether to tell my girlfriend or not....she already knows that this haunts me and i know it hurts her to know that...i dont want her to feel like trash just because i wanna get some help sorting out my emotions.

**bravesfan007** · 04-26-2008, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

Im meeting with a pastor sometime this week to talk about this...and all the little issues and drama that has come in association with it.

Im debating whether to tell my girlfriend or not....she already knows that this haunts me and i know it hurts her to know that...i dont want her to feel like trash just because i wanna get some help sorting out my emotions.

To tell or not to tell is the age old question. Personally, it would depend on how I think she would handle it. I mean, I like being honest and I think there is nothing wrong with telling her what you're doing, why you're doing it, and how it is important to get it worked out in your mind. Besides, after all, aren't you doing it for her? I think she should respect that information, but yet again, I do not know her nor know how she would respond.

If you don't tell then you don't have to worry about her thinking she is a horrible person; however, you have to worry about her finding out eventually. Then sometimes there is guilt that goes along with that as far as keeping a secret from her. Honestly, I'm not sure which one I would go with, but whatever you decide to do I'll be sure to pray for you.