[akaukal]

My girlfriend is not a virgin as well.

It was hard to swallow for me as well at first, but then I decided I loved her. It still bothers me to think about it sometimes, but I've forgiven her, and I just live with it. That's what I recommend you do.

[Emyv1]

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

So i wont bore you with all the drama and details of my relationship. But basicly i found out recently that my girlfriend is in fact, not a virgin, because her and my (now former)best friend used to sleep together back in her previous relationship 2 years ago.

since then she says she has rededicated to christ and been baptized, and even before i found this out we had made it clear with eachother that we would wait for marrige in our relationship.

so yeah anyway it was hard to deal with , and it seemed like i dealt with it and ive forgiven her. and i went to visit her (we live 5 states away) for the first time a few weeks ago(having known all this) and things were great...i didnt think about that fact and we just had good clean fun. but now since ive been back...satan has been taunting me relentlesy with this fact.

i already came to the conclusion that though i had previously wanted to marry a virgin, id be willing to write off that criteria since i feel that i do truley love her for just as she is, and christ does that for our sins and still loves us anyway. but even so...satan has been making it bother me...since the guy who did take her virginity was someone i had considered a good friend for the past two years.

so idk what to do really...i love her honestly but why cant i stop satan from taunting me about htis...after the fact that i got through this pain? its like hes always whispering in my ear.

any thoughts?

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. You should pray about it. Read your Bible. God always knows what todo.
God Bless.

[HedbangnProphet]

it appears like the simplest, and really the only real question i need to ask myself is Do i truly love her?

and i find that i do...shes closer to me than anyone else i know, and always has shown me unconditional love and encouragement even long before we had a relationship. and i've decided i honestly do wanna take care of her and love her even in her mistakes..God has given her a new purity through his grace, and i wanna honor that and honor the lord..and i belive that is her wish as well. I dont need to condone what happen, as i shouldnt and she doesnt. but to simply accept it as the past, and still treat her as the lovely person ive come to know and want to spend my life with someday God willingly.


any thought beyond that is really just making things much more complicated than they need to be...and underestimating God and his power to work everything out for the best

i think im learning some things...thanks CGR

[Jeffrey]

I'm not trying to be contentious, but I'm not sure why marrying a virgin is such a huge deal. If we are to love our brides like Christ loved the church, He took for Himself a worn-out whore, really. He took us.

If I were dating someone and they lied about their virginity (and I got an STD as a result, if we moved to marriage), or if they were (as a fellow believer) unashamed of their actions, or if they were openly sexually active despite being in a relationship with me, then I'd be concerned. Or if they were so crippled by guilt that they were obsessed with their past mistakes, I wouldn't want to be with them. But I were dating a believer who told me they weren't a virgin, what's the big deal?

I'm just not seeing why it's a big deal.

[JerryLove]

Originally Posted by akaukal

It was hard to swallow for me as well at first, but then I decided I loved her. It still bothers me to think about it sometimes, but I've forgiven her, and I just live with it. That's what I recommend you do.

I'm a little confused as to what you "forgave" her for. Did she do something to you?

[HedbangnProphet]

Originally Posted by Jeffrey

I'm not trying to be contentious, but I'm not sure why marrying a virgin is such a huge deal. If we are to love our brides like Christ loved the church, He took for Himself a worn-out whore, really. He took us.

If I were dating someone and they lied about their virginity (and I got an STD as a result, if we moved to marriage), or if they were (as a fellow believer) unashamed of their actions, or if they were openly sexually active despite being in a relationship with me, then I'd be concerned. Or if they were so crippled by guilt that they were obsessed with their past mistakes, I wouldn't want to be with them. But I were dating a believer who told me they weren't a virgin, what's the big deal?

I'm just not seeing why it's a big deal.

thats an extremlely good point actually....never thought of it that way.

but idk i guess i had this mindset within me (that im still trying to completly discard) that now because of that, we cant have something special.

but the more and more ive thought upon that idea the more and more ridiculous it sounds. So i she wont bleed on our wedding night...well big whoop, if that was the defining factor of a successful marriage, no divorced person would ever have any hope of having a good marriage again. And if a thought is the same as action in Gods eyes, then we all probably lost our virginity the day purberty hit us anyway.

another problem that seems to have been bothering me was accepting that it happend, without condoning it. But God loves us even in our mistakes, and i think itd be a far shot to say he CONDONES our sin...in fact he just forgets about it and never holds it against us again. as thus i need to work on doing the same thing

when i was there in washington, i think it was so simple not to think about it and not let it bother me in anyway because who i loved was right before me...and the only thing i could think about was how greatful i was afterall this time to be able to spend time and just be with the person i loved no matter her mistakes. now that im back and life isnt so intresting, i need to strive to stay in that same simplicty of thought that i had when i was there with her

[slap_j]

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

but the more and more ive thought upon that idea the more and more ridiculous it sounds. So i she wont bleed on our wedding night...well big whoop, if that was the defining factor of a successful marriage, no divorced person would ever have any hope of having a good marriage again.

Well, the state of the hymen isn't a good indicator of sexual activity anyway.

/science

[thesteve]

Originally Posted by slap_j

Well, the state of the hymen isn't a good indicator of sexual activity anyway.

/science

Indeed, from what I understand a large percentage of female virgins don't have them, at least among the more athletic types.

[SecretAgentRat]

Originally Posted by thesteve

Indeed, from what I understand a large percentage of female virgins don't have them, at least among the more athletic types.

In many women the hymen is torn at a young age due to physical activity or the use of tampons. There often isn't any pain or bleeding, so a girl may not know that her hymen has been torn.
The presence of a completely intact hymen is a bad way to determine virginity.

[Rainer.]

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

but idk i guess i had this mindset within me (that im still trying to completly discard) that now because of that, we cant have something special.

It's a good thing that we marry a person, and not just a body to have sex with.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Jeffrey

I'm not trying to be contentious, but I'm not sure why marrying a virgin is such a huge deal. If we are to love our brides like Christ loved the church, He took for Himself a worn-out whore, really. He took us.

If I were dating someone and they lied about their virginity (and I got an STD as a result, if we moved to marriage), or if they were (as a fellow believer) unashamed of their actions, or if they were openly sexually active despite being in a relationship with me, then I'd be concerned. Or if they were so crippled by guilt that they were obsessed with their past mistakes, I wouldn't want to be with them. But I were dating a believer who told me they weren't a virgin, what's the big deal?

I'm just not seeing why it's a big deal.

Maybe I am being an ass here, but...

If my girlfriend had had sex previously, I would seriously want her to have an std test, not as a litmus test for marriage, but to know how to proceed in marriage. My roomate refused to do so, even though his fiancee had participated in some very risky activities prior to her conversion. I thought that was foolhardy on a lot of levels. If there is a concern here, I would strongly encourage knowing what you were up against medically to know how best to proceed in marriage.

[Dr. Worm]

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

but idk i guess i had this mindset within me (that im still trying to completly discard) that now because of that, we cant have something special.

But honestly, is that what you ever really believed? That the "specialness" of sexual intimacy with your spouse throughout your marriage was derived solely from the fact that you were both virgins the first time? Sex with your spouse will be special regardless, and in a way that any of her former relationships never were or even could have been.

another problem that seems to have been bothering me was accepting that it happend, without condoning it. But God loves us even in our mistakes, and i think itd be a far shot to say he CONDONES our sin...in fact he just forgets about it and never holds it against us again. as thus i need to work on doing the same thing

I'm going to guess that this isn't the only sin she has ever committed. Why are you focusing so much on this one? You accept that she has sinned in other ways without condoning those sins...why is this one so different?

and the only thing i could think about was how greatful i was afterall this time to be able to spend time and just be with the person i loved no matter her mistakes.

You've made mistakes too, and she is with you in spite of them. As I said in my previous post, you need to stop looking at this in terms of "she did something wrong, but I'm going to love her anyways". The "no matter her mistakes" part shouldn't have to be said, it is simply a part of loving someone. Everyone has made mistakes. These mistakes frequently hurt other people. C'est la vie.

[+SEAL+]

Originally Posted by Rainer.

It's a good thing that we marry a person, and not just a body to have sex with.

Sex is a personal act...that's one of the greatest points to make in this situation. The person who you're wanting to give special affection to has already given herself wholly to another person on one occasion. That's a big thing. But if she wants to make amends, and is past that, more power to her. It's now a process of forgiveness and healing for her.

[Jeffrey]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

Maybe I am being an ass here, but...

If my girlfriend had had sex previously, I would seriously want her to have an std test, not as a litmus test for marriage, but to know how to proceed in marriage. My roomate refused to do so, even though his fiancee had participated in some very risky activities prior to her conversion. I thought that was foolhardy on a lot of levels. If there is a concern here, I would strongly encourage knowing what you were up against medically to know how best to proceed in marriage.

I think that's reasonable, myself. In this day and age where STD's can occasionally spread from other events, it's always wise to have.

[bravesfan007]

Originally Posted by Jeffrey

If we are to love our brides like Christ loved the church, He took for Himself a worn-out whore, really.

This is quite possibly the most honest thing I've read/heard all day. So true, yet so blunt and honest.