girlfriend not a virgin

guitar-man_22 · 04-22-2008, 09:52 PM

well
ok..im definetely not an expert in this stuff.
but the thing comes down to this. Are you willing to put this past you?
If you think that this is something that you cant forget about, then you have to talk to her. But if you think you can forget about it, then its just gonna take some time to heal.

This is something you should really pray to God about. Just pray to God and do whatever he says, thats the only way you cant go wrong. All of us here may be directing you in the wrong way, but God will ALWAYS direct you in the right way.

Good Luck

Dr. Worm · 04-22-2008, 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

So i wont bore you with all the drama and details of my relationship. But basicly i found out recently that my girlfriend is in fact, not a virgin, because her and my (now former)best friend used to sleep together back in her previous relationship 2 years ago.

since then she says she has rededicated to christ and been baptized, and even before i found this out we had made it clear with eachother that we would wait for marrige in our relationship.

so yeah anyway it was hard to deal with , and it seemed like i dealt with it and ive forgiven her. and i went to visit her (we live 5 states away) for the first time a few weeks ago(having known all this) and things were great...i didnt think about that fact and we just had good clean fun. but now since ive been back...satan has been taunting me relentlesy with this fact.

i already came to the conclusion that though i had previously wanted to marry a virgin, id be willing to write off that criteria since i feel that i do truley love her for just as she is, and christ does that for our sins and still loves us anyway. but even so...satan has been making it bother me...since the guy who did take her virginity was someone i had considered a good friend for the past two years.

so idk what to do really...i love her honestly but why cant i stop satan from taunting me about htis...after the fact that i got through this pain? its like hes always whispering in my ear.

any thoughts?

My thought is that you have to decide whether or not you can handle this. I understand that it's hard for you, especially given that the guy involved was your best friend, and I understand that it's harder when you're away from her than when you are actually with her. But here's the thing: If you can't get over it, it is going to be a problem in your relationship. You can't always love her "in spite of this", because if your love is always in spite of this, then she is always in your debt. This simply cannot continue to be an issue in your relationship forever.

I'm not saying that it is wrong for you to be hurt, or that it is wrong for you to have trouble dealing with it. What I am saying is that you are this hurt that she is not a virgin, you need to start asking yourself some serious questions.

**H.M. Murdock** · 04-23-2008, 01:35 AM

I would say that Christians have enough to take care of just going about their daily faith and not constantly chewing on the idea that God or Satan has XYZ in mind. This is not to say that we cannot consider it, but it's a little daft to let it consume us.
Forgiveness is needed, yes, and you do need to just let it rest. I personally don't care if a girl is a virgin. If a girl I am with wants to hold something against me, there's plenty to choose from, so I can't really see why the loss of virginity is something to judge her for. Forgive her, give the issue over to God's graceful keeping and go about the daily concerns of your faith. That's all you can do. If you love her now, you love a girl that is shaped by all of the experiences she has had- good or bad, right or wrong, and not because she's good enough for you to forget that she was once "bad." Love that's worth pursuing is felt for a person because of what they are, not for what they could be, or what they sometimes are, or what they are now but weren't before.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WORMBRAIN

What I am saying is that you are this hurt that she is not a virgin, you need to start asking yourself some serious questions.

I would disagree. The original poster obviously placed a high value on virginity. To discover that a girl he loves doesn't have that added value can be... disenchanting. It's disappointment, to be quite frank. And disappointment hurts, especially the kind of disappointment that has been described here.
I do agree with the rest, though; well said. It doesn't need to be an issue one way or another. It very much needs to be a nonissue of the relationship is going to continue.

bobthecockroach · 04-23-2008, 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Worm

My thought is that you have to decide whether or not you can handle this. I understand that it's hard for you, especially given that the guy involved was your best friend, and I understand that it's harder when you're away from her than when you are actually with her. But here's the thing: If you can't get over it, it is going to be a problem in your relationship. You can't always love her "in spite of this", because if your love is always in spite of this, then she is always in your debt. This simply cannot continue to be an issue in your relationship forever.

+1

HedbangnProphet · 04-23-2008, 03:02 AM

hmmm...i think youve all helped me realize what my problem has been

ive had a mindset in me that has been going " i love you, but for what you are now...not what you were"

when instead i need to view it more like "i love you for who you have become and who youve always been, your mistakes are not important to me"

because thats what uncontidtional love is...ive let somthing that has been washed away aready...become somthing to look at and say "i dont love this part" when i should be just saying "i love all of you even though you make mistakes...as you and God do for me"

i mean God doesnt go "oh well i forgive you for this sin and i love you, but hey i stil dont like that you did that i dont like that part of you that did that" so neither should i

the verse God just randomly brought to my mind was romans 5:8 "but God shows his LOVE for us in that WHILE we were still sinners, Christ DIED for us". So that implies that God loves us EVEN though he may not agree with things we have done or doing...he loves us even AS we do those things. not IN spite..but...i dont know how to complete my thoughts.

am i on the right track here possibly? compelte what im trying to say here cuz i cant figure it out but i knwo im on to somthign that shoudl be very obvious haha

**The wirerat** · 04-23-2008, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

hmmm...i think youve all helped me realize what my problem has been

ive had a mindset in me that has been going " i love you, but for what you are now...not what you were"

when instead i need to view it more like "i love you for who you have become and who youve always been, your mistakes are not important to me"

because thats what uncontidtional love is...ive let somthing that has been washed away aready...become somthing to look at and say "i dont love this part" when i should be just saying "i love all of you even though you make mistakes...as you and God do for me"

i mean God doesnt go "oh well i forgive you for this sin and i love you, but hey i stil dont like that you did that i dont like that part of you that did that" so neither should i

am i on the right track here possibly? compelte what im trying to say here cuz i cant figure it out but i knwo im on to somthign that shoudl be very obvious haha

I would say that this is exactly what everyone has been trying to say to you. Its not that you can easily forget her past, but you have to forgive and let it go. Thats exactly how you should think.

Nate · 04-23-2008, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HedbangnProphet

hmmm...i think youve all helped me realize what my problem has been

ive had a mindset in me that has been going " i love you, but for what you are now...not what you were"

when instead i need to view it more like "i love you for who you have become and who youve always been, your mistakes are not important to me"

because thats what uncontidtional love is

I tend to think that unconditional love just stops at "I love you." No, really.

JerryLove · 04-23-2008, 10:10 AM

Either you feel slighters: that she's committed a personal afront against you; or you've an odd cognitive association with virginity.

In the former, and more likely case; the afvice given thusfar is good. You need to fogive her. If that seems beyond reach, a session or two with a good psychotherepist (or counciler) may do you a world of good in understanding the process that got you there and letting go of it.

All that said: You weren't with her at the time, so she did nothing to you. If you are concerned it's a sin: too bad. You've both sinned and her sin is between her and God. I'd go on but I think you already know the reality... it's getting your brain to accept the reality that's being difficult: and I do understand that.

I wish you both the best.

Than · 04-23-2008, 10:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeffrey

Maybe it's not Satan. Maybe you're just disappointed, or neurotic on the issue, or still hurting because your friend was involved.

I agree completely with Jeffrey. It can be hard to stomach the first time you run into someone you love having been with other people, especially people you know for some people.

This is my advice to you: Either forget about it and move past it and enjoy what you guys have going right now or get out of the relationship. If it's something that you're not going to be able to really let go of, then it's just going to cause a ton of friction between you, and maybe make your girlfriend feel like garbage for former mistakes that she can do nothing about at this point.

People are human! Sex is a genetic imperative. I mean, you still liked her just fine before this came up right? It doesn't really change anything about her or your relationship together.

**Epaphras** · 04-23-2008, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Than

People are human! Sex is a genetic imperative. I mean, you still liked her just fine before this came up right? It doesn't really change anything about her or your relationship together.

Well...

If they were to get married at some point (I don't know how likely this is given their age and/or desire to get married), having previous sexual partners will affect their marital relationship in this area, like it or not. However, the extent of this can be determined with counseling and clear communication.

**thesteve** · 04-23-2008, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Epaphras

Well...

If they were to get married at some point (I don't know how likely this is given their age and/or desire to get married), having previous sexual partners will affect their marital relationship in this area, like it or not. However, the extent of this can be determined with counseling and clear communication.

Eh, I would disagree. Could it affect their relationship in this area? Sure. Is it a written in stone sort of thing? I would say no.

JerryLove · 04-23-2008, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Epaphras

Well...

If they were to get married at some point (I don't know how likely this is given their age and/or desire to get married), having previous sexual partners will affect their marital relationship in this area, like it or not.

Oh the poor widows.
And divorcees.
And rape victims.

Any number of things will affect individuals... but this one *should* not. In the OP's case, it may... but that would point me more towards counciling than "go find a virgin".

ieatdirt · 04-23-2008, 02:22 PM

I have had the same experience as you, and I would say that everyone elses advice is right. Even with prayer and Bible verses, it won't just go away immediately, but given time, things will get better if you let them.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 04-23-2008, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JerryLove

Oh the poor widows.
And divorcees.
And rape victims.

Any number of things will affect individuals... but this one *should* not. In the OP's case, it may... but that would point me more towards counciling than "go find a virgin".

Well, technically using AMA definitions a rape victim could be a virgin. (Their definition includes consensual which I really think for any religious distinction is a must.)

I agree entirely, except that I think that perhaps if you give it a little time to let the shock wear off, counseling may not even be necessary.

And it really likely will cause problems at some point at a future date as well. Humans have a nasty tendency to occasionally un-get-over things. Love and forgiveness should cover this. Frankly, biblically if you can't get over this, I think it is an issue where you need to change till you can. Love in 1 corinthians 13 has a certain teeth to it in that its not a happy go lucky, mushy love. It says love keeps no record of wrongs, so the question is, will you? That really boils down to the question of do you love her. If you do, then you will hold no record of wrongs against her. We are commanded to love one another.

It takes time to deal and cope with this. My roomate dealt with this scenario in college. It takes time.

**Rainer.** · 04-23-2008, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Epaphras

Well...

If they were to get married at some point (I don't know how likely this is given their age and/or desire to get married), having previous sexual partners will affect their marital relationship in this area, like it or not. However, the extent of this can be determined with counseling and clear communication.

No matter their past, each person in a marital relationship always brings something to the table that may be a potential issue. The fact is that we must deal with our spouse or potential spouse for those things they bring, whether it's previous sexual partners or something else. Clear communication is a key to any successful marriage.

To the OP, I know the thing I'm sure she wants most is a chance to be loved without consideration of her past, and it would mean the most coming from you. It takes time to get over disappointment, so don't expect to be fine about things instantly. But from the looks of it, you have the full intention of staying with her, and that will last longer than your feelings of disappointment.