Just broke up... now what?

OctaviusIII · 04-17-2008, 04:27 PM

First, some background: my girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and she always felt more for me than I for her. Last night, we broke up and cried for the loss, but I didn't think I could love her like she loves me. She is amazing, and I like her a lot, but I don't think I could ever love her properly. I couldn't let her go through that any longer, and we agreed it was best to end.

So, what now? How do I start to move on? Was I operating from a false premise to start with? This is my first break-up, and my first real relationship, and I am completely at a loss. This hurts a lot more than I thought it would...

patrick1 · 04-17-2008, 04:35 PM

it sounds like you did the right thing in letting her know... its not really your fault, and i dont think you led her on by any of that.. you cant really know how everything will go, or how the other person will feel until deep into the relationship...

i wouldnt say wait for a long time like others would, but just dont rush it i guess...

**The wirerat** · 04-18-2008, 01:39 AM

First of all, I have never dated anyone for longer than two and a half months.
Disclaimer said, due, take it easy. Its gonna hurt for a long while. My advice to you: enjoy your singleness and make every moment of it count. Not saying being with someone is bad, but don;t mope around, make something of your singleness.

Iceman-bass14 · 04-18-2008, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OctaviusIII

So, what now? How do I start to move on? Was I operating from a false premise to start with? This is my first break-up, and my first real relationship, and I am completely at a loss. This hurts a lot more than I thought it would...

The only advice I have on 'moving on' is just get on with life.Its gonna hurt for a while but thats expected.And dont think you have to be in a relationship right away.Being single can be good,if you let it.

passinthru · 04-18-2008, 08:19 AM

Having been in a relationship for that amount of time being a lot of closeness and togetherness. It's going to take time to grieve the loss of this relationship. Whether I think you did the right thing here or not really doesn't matter. You did what you felt was right and/or necessary.

It's gonna suck for awhile. In a year you build a lot of good memories - places you went together, things you did, things you shared. Each of those are going to be bittersweet while you grieve this loss in order to start moving forward. Grieving doesn't mean dwelling on it, but stuffing it all down and just moving on isn't going to help you or any future person that you may date.

demonhuntress · 04-21-2008, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OctaviusIII

First, some background: my girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and she always felt more for me than I for her. Last night, we broke up and cried for the loss, but I didn't think I could love her like she loves me. She is amazing, and I like her a lot, but I don't think I could ever love her properly. I couldn't let her go through that any longer, and we agreed it was best to end.

So, what now? How do I start to move on? Was I operating from a false premise to start with? This is my first break-up, and my first real relationship, and I am completely at a loss. This hurts a lot more than I thought it would...

Wow, this sounds almost exactly like something I went through about a year ago. I dated this guy for over a year, and he was head-over-heels for me, but I didn't feel as strongly for him, and eventually we broke up. It was my first (and only) relationship too. Wow! Crazy. Really, I felt precisely the same way. It's such a confusing mess of emotions, isn't it? Like, you feel as if you're kind of a bad person or something, you feel kind of guilty... yeah. I completely understand how hard this is.

As for the whole "operating from a false premise to start with", I obviously can't answer that for you. I would do some hardcore praying and ask God to reveal that to you, and then act accordingly. I struggled with that for a long time when I went through this until I finally came to the conclusion that the strong connection of friendship I had with that guy as a brother in Christ got kind of confused and I thought it was a romance thing. And it wasn't meant to be. Yet God works through it, and life goes on (after like... a zillion years....).

The good news is, when I went through this--even though it was quite painful--it turned out alright. I'm still very good friends with this guy. And God taught me a lot through the experience. Honestly, the only thing you can really do is give it some time. I know that sounds cliche and so dang hard, but trust me on this one. Just hold on, 'cause it will pass. Things get better.

Nomes · 04-23-2008, 03:17 AM

Hey Octavius, sorry to hear that.

As others have said, it is going to take time. So go easy on yourself.

As for the possibility of starting out under false pretenses - it doesn't matter now. It's in the past, what's done is done. Let that go.

As for now - spend some time with your mates, hang out and be stupid, plan a road trip, do some fun stuff. Try not to spend too much time thinking or pining about it.

Adam · 04-23-2008, 02:25 PM

So far I'm in general agreement with what everyone has said.

I will be realistic.

I broke up with my girlfriend in February. We had been in a relationship for two years. The break up was not amicable. We do not see or talk to each other anymore (albeit by her choice).

At first I didn't feel anything. About a month afterward I realized how much of my life involved this person. I was with her 24/7, and then I wasn't. It was very hurtful and painful for me and continues to be although not to the same extent.

Time is the main thing that will get you through this. Just keep yourself busy, or devote yourself to something creative. And I know, its much easier to say than do with all this on your mind.

Think about how you were not right for each other. There is someone else out there who is more compatible for you. This is not a selfish desire, it is necessary to move on.

It might sound cliche, but get back to who you are. Think about things you used to like and do. I lost myself when I was with this person and alienated many people in my life that wanted to know me better.

This person may resent you for for your lack of equally passionate reciprocity. But that isn't your fault. You were wise and decided that you could not carry on like you were- because you weren't feeling for her what she feels for you. You did the right thing.

I know that the world seems like a different place when you are not with someone you were serious with. You may feel simultaneously terrified and afraid now that everything seems strange without that person, as I did. My best advice is to concentrate on what tasks you have at hand, be it work or school, to get through this.

I know that since the aftermath (my first relationship as well) I have become a better person; more understanding, focused, and resilient. Remember that this won't kill you, if you apply yourself and grow as an individual then you will mature. I can say that now that time has passed I am definitely a better person and much happier for it.