Girl asking the guy?

Katze · 03-16-2008, 04:52 PM

I'm 18, he's 19, my dad knows everything, and likes the guy.

Alex and I have been good friends for about a year and a half, and best friends for a good chunk of that time. We see eachother 2-4 times a week, mostly at church stuff, and we've just grown closer and closer. Recently, he's started flirting with me a LOT, and has been very physical with me. I love the attention, and none of it has been wrong, but it's come to the point where he either needs to take the relationship somewhere, or knock it off. We're friends at this point, and I really don't want the friendship ruined if we don't date, but if that's the case, then we need to back off NOW.

How do I make that clear to him that I want to date, without taking the lead? I'm a firm believer in the guy starting the relationship, and in a way he has, sorta. I just want things to be clear, so I don't get too crazy over him unless we're going to go somewhere with it.

Mission:Africa · 03-16-2008, 06:05 PM

just tell him. just say you enjoy the friendsship and would like more but if he doesn't want it then he needs to cool it. see what he says.

J_freek · 03-16-2008, 06:06 PM

You are definately doing the right thing, girl, in wanting it defined.

Just say those famous words that every guys loves to hear "we need to talk" just....over coffee or something, be like, you know, I need to know, so I can plan my life.

To me, it's straight-forward, and yet not rude, or assuming.

cngp90 · 03-16-2008, 06:13 PM

Maybe just put it to him in question form. I think that casually asking him where he is in the relationship, though it might be a bit akward, won't be taking the lead. Because maybe he isn't sure exactly where you stand either. I think that it is a guys responsibility to take the first step in defining where they stand but it sounds like that at the point you are in the relationship you really don't have another option except to totally back off until he initiates the conversation. But if it was me, and I was pretty serious about a girl, I wouldn't mind her just asking me where I stood. I have had to ask a girl where she was cause I honestly wasn't sure, but I wouldn't have been offended if she had been the one to ask me.
Hope that helps..some.
Good luck
-Collin

Iceman-bass14 · 03-16-2008, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katze

I'm 18, he's 19, my dad knows everything, and likes the guy.

Alex and I have been good friends for about a year and a half, and best friends for a good chunk of that time. We see eachother 2-4 times a week, mostly at church stuff, and we've just grown closer and closer. Recently, he's started flirting with me a LOT, and has been very physical with me. I love the attention, and none of it has been wrong, but it's come to the point where he either needs to take the relationship somewhere, or knock it off. We're friends at this point, and I really don't want the friendship ruined if we don't date, but if that's the case, then we need to back off NOW.

How do I make that clear to him that I want to date, without taking the lead? I'm a firm believer in the guy starting the relationship, and in a way he has, sorta. I just want things to be clear, so I don't get too crazy over him unless we're going to go somewhere with it.

Good to hear from you Katze!And i would echo what Christine said....

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_freek

You are definately doing the right thing, girl, in wanting it defined.

Just say those famous words that every guys loves to hear "we need to talk" just....over coffee or something, be like, you know, I need to know, so I can plan my life.

To me, it's straight-forward, and yet not rude, or assuming.

There needs to be some direction to any relationship and especially at this time in your life.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 03-16-2008, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katze

I'm 18, he's 19, my dad knows everything, and likes the guy.

Alex and I have been good friends for about a year and a half, and best friends for a good chunk of that time. We see eachother 2-4 times a week, mostly at church stuff, and we've just grown closer and closer. Recently, he's started flirting with me a LOT, and has been very physical with me. I love the attention, and none of it has been wrong, but it's come to the point where he either needs to take the relationship somewhere, or knock it off. We're friends at this point, and I really don't want the friendship ruined if we don't date, but if that's the case, then we need to back off NOW.

How do I make that clear to him that I want to date, without taking the lead? I'm a firm believer in the guy starting the relationship, and in a way he has, sorta. I just want things to be clear, so I don't get too crazy over him unless we're going to go somewhere with it.

One word of advice:

Talk

You need to communicate. Furthermore, if things are in this situation, you might need to be the first to talk. However, may I suggest not using the phrase "we need to talk" unless you plan on making his palms sweaty, his mouth go dry, and terror fill his mind. My wife still does that and gets surprised that I look nervous. 9 times out of 10 when you hear that, its something tremendously awful.

Furthermore, what is wrong with taking the lead?

segoviamuse · 03-16-2008, 10:00 PM

personally i would just flirt back and wait for him... ha
but there is nothing wrong with you making a move like that..if thats what you want to do. just make it subtle. making it known that you like where your friendship is heading so maybe he wouldn't be so nervous about the first move of asking you on a date or something . because hes probably just as scared about what this could do to your friendship as you are.
then leave it up to God of course.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 03-16-2008, 10:16 PM

I am of the opinion that subtlety in cases like this breeds nothing but confusion.

cngp90 · 03-16-2008, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

I am of the opinion that subtlety in cases like this breeds nothing but confusion.

+1

bobthecockroach · 03-16-2008, 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katze

I'm 18, he's 19, my dad knows everything, and likes the guy.

Alex and I have been good friends for about a year and a half, and best friends for a good chunk of that time. We see eachother 2-4 times a week, mostly at church stuff, and we've just grown closer and closer. Recently, he's started flirting with me a LOT, and has been very physical with me. I love the attention, and none of it has been wrong, but it's come to the point where he either needs to take the relationship somewhere, or knock it off. We're friends at this point, and I really don't want the friendship ruined if we don't date, but if that's the case, then we need to back off NOW.

How do I make that clear to him that I want to date, without taking the lead? I'm a firm believer in the guy starting the relationship, and in a way he has, sorta. I just want things to be clear, so I don't get too crazy over him unless we're going to go somewhere with it.

I have an idea on what you could say:

"I love the attention, and none of it has been wrong, but it's come to the point where you either need to take the relationship somewhere or knock it off. We're friends at this point, and I really don't want the friendship ruined if we don't date, but if that's the case, then we need to back off NOW."

Just my your two cents.

segoviamuse · 03-16-2008, 11:28 PM

what i meant by subtle was you don't need to ask him out.. maybe this is why guys think girls are confusing.. oops.

SecretAgentRat · 03-17-2008, 10:52 AM

I agree that the guy should be the one making the major moves when it comes to dating and such...we come from similar backgrounds regarding these things. HOWEVER, that doesn't take away your right to step up and "define the relationship." By putting yourself out there and tell him exactly what you've told us you are giving him the opportunity to lead by a) pursuing you in a more serious relationship or b) backing off. By asking that y'all stop just goofing off in your relationship without any clear direction you're not "taking the lead" you're just letting him know that you're not just a toy for him to play around with until he finds another.

I went through this with a friend in September. It worked out really well. We ended up dating for about a month and realized that we just wouldn't work out romantically. Another time I experienced this we just remained as friends and that has worked well.