[OneWithTheMud]

I am at my end. I've been dating a guy for about 11 months (I'm 21 he's 26) and for the past few months, he has been talking about getting married. I really love him and I want nothing more than to be able to build a life with him, but I just am not ready for marriage. The problem is, he can't accept that. He basically said that if we don't get married by the summer, then there will no longer be a place for me in his life. Although I love and care for him deeply, I have held my ground because I truly feel that it is too soon. My parents agree with me. Now he is pushing me away and I just can't bear it. Why is he causing me so much pain? I realize that my opinion on the matter was a blow to him, but why can't he understand that I just need more time? And if he loves me as much as he says he does, why can't he just give me that time? I don't want to lose him, but I'm afraid I already have. It hurts so much and I just can't handle this pain.

[asiammyself]

If he loves you he can wait until your ready....Really, if someone meant everything to me and I felt I loved them why would I kill them off from my life? But maybe he is feeling pressured maybe he has friends getting married, starting a family etc. Of course he's going to feel a blow to his gut...But it happens and if he truly thinks you should be his wife. He'll wait for when you feel ready.

[cngp90]

+1
If he really loves you, he'll be willing to wait for you. And pray about it - cause maybe God is trying to tell you something through this.

[Kati]

Originally Posted by OneWithTheMud

It hurts so much and I just can't handle this pain.

Yes, you can.

I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment--he's ripping your heart out of your chest, I'm sure--but you WILL get through this trial, one way or another. Remember where your strength lies. God still has things under control, even when everything seems to be crashing down around us. He'll work this out for good, whether you end up together or not.

As to why he's doing this to you, my guess would be it's because he's human. People don't always realize the hurt they cause. I doubt he's trying to hurt you intentionally, but he's not behaving in a way I'd want to see in a man I planned to marry, either. He probably doesn't realize what a jerk he's being because he's so caught up in his own desire to get married.

I would pay close attention to his actions, though. He's behaving selfishly and with no thought to the feelings of the woman he would make his wife. A man who truly loves you will be willing to sacrifice for you. The two of you should be able to compromise or negotiate the issue at the very least. If you don't feel ready for marriage, he should not be trying to force you into it with an ultimatum. If it's more important to him that he be married than that he be with you, it's his loss, not yours!

[bobthecockroach]

I think some good things have been said here. I would just like to say that I think it's important first of all to discuss if you haven't already why this is so important for him. Perhaps there is a way to solve the underlying issue for him without getting married now.

[FastRedPonyCar]

Agree.. all good points. If he truly cared for you, he'll be willing to sit down and offer his rational explanation for his actions and words. This isn't ancient history where a marriage is arranged whether the bride likes it or not. It's a choice the two of you must make together. If not, and you do end up just saying I do becuase he wants you to, what other decisions is he going to try and force you to do against your will??

My wife's best friend in college was VERY submissive and let guys walk all over her (thankfully never sexually) and they always got their way when they wanted something and it wasn't until she finally stood up for herself and defended her views and demanded explanations for the guy's actions that she began to have the relationships she wanted.

If he will not accept no for an answer after a civilized discussion has taken place, I have a feeling that it wasn't meant to be. You deserve someone who will respect you. He obviously doesn't at this point. If this is the way the events turn out, Mr. Right could be Mr. Right around the corner.

[OneWithTheMud]

I've been trying to reason with him for a while. He basically says that nothing other than a marriage will fit into his life right now. He is in a rather tough situation and getting married (believe it or not) would create more options for him. And I want to help him because I care for him so so much, but it is just too soon to get married. He wanted to get married no later than this April. It's too much too soon. I love him, but it is too much too soon. There is so much stuff to work out. I'm so incredibly sad. It just hurts so much.

[DaGeek]

I'm not married, so perhaps my opinion isn't so valid, but I think that you should be higher on his priority list than "more options" if he really wants to get married. Real love isn't selfish like that. It's something he has got to straighten out, and, quite frankly, if I were in a similar situation, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either. It sounds like he's trying to pressure you (perhaps not intentionally, of course) to marry because he loves you a lot and thinks it will all work out if you guys just do it the way he wants... Unfortunately, from what I've seen, marriage is about compromise. This thing you're in is a lot bigger than options being opened for him. This is something that'll last the rest of your lives.

Feel free to disregard my post, as it's A) Late and I'm tired, and B) I'm not married, as said .

[Lanky]

DaGeek, that's a perfectly valid point you make. I agree whole-heartedly.

Mud, if (as it sounds from what you've said) your partner's pressuring you in order to make his life easier, it could be well worth your while telling him that's what you're feeling. In the cool logic of his plans he may not realise the hurt he is causing you. It might do him a world of good for you to help him take a step back and regain some perspective. Maybe if he knew he was shooting himself in the foot he'd stop firing?

[kahunacho]

Originally Posted by OneWithTheMud

I am at my end. I've been dating a guy for about 11 months (I'm 21 he's 26) and for the past few months, he has been talking about getting married. I really love him and I want nothing more than to be able to build a life with him, but I just am not ready for marriage. The problem is, he can't accept that. He basically said that if we don't get married by the summer, then there will no longer be a place for me in his life. Although I love and care for him deeply, I have held my ground because I truly feel that it is too soon. My parents agree with me. Now he is pushing me away and I just can't bear it. Why is he causing me so much pain? I realize that my opinion on the matter was a blow to him, but why can't he understand that I just need more time? And if he loves me as much as he says he does, why can't he just give me that time? I don't want to lose him, but I'm afraid I already have. It hurts so much and I just can't handle this pain.

Okay, lets see...
1. Pressuring you to marry.
2. Making it hard on you because you want to wait.
3. You are suffering because of his want to be married.
Lets look at this...
You are 21 right? He is 26 right?
Only been dating 11 months about.... Come on, this guy has problems by the look of it.
If he truly loves you, he can wait a year or two.
Remember, you are a precious daughter of God, a princess belonging to God, a man should wait and respect your wanting to wait.
Also, if your parents agree with you, then, he should realize that he needs to respect you.
Yes, in bible times girls didn't really have much of a choice, but guess what, the parents had a say, so, you are in total right to say no, with the support of your parents, then he should get the point.
And if he can't wait, then he's got issues.
Ask HIM WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by kahunacho

Okay, lets see...
1. Pressuring you to marry.
2. Making it hard on you because you want to wait.
3. You are suffering because of his want to be married.
Lets look at this...
You are 21 right? He is 26 right?
Only been dating 11 months about.... Come on, this guy has problems by the look of it.
If he truly loves you, he can wait a year or two.
Remember, you are a precious daughter of God, a princess belonging to God, a man should wait and respect your wanting to wait.
Also, if your parents agree with you, then, he should realize that he needs to respect you.
Yes, in bible times girls didn't really have much of a choice, but guess what, the parents had a say, so, you are in total right to say no, with the support of your parents, then he should get the point.
And if he can't wait, then he's got issues.
Ask HIM WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

your last statement is crazy. What does scripture say? That if a man burns with desire they should get married. This guy may be in that position, and it can be tragic, but both parties can be doing the right thing here. Waiting a year or two could well be unbiblical. What would Jesus do? Jesus never married.

And why should parents have the right to say no for an adult. Biblically thats an indefensible position.

[Iceman-bass14]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

your last statement is crazy. What does scripture say? That if a man burns with desire they should get married. This guy may be in that position, and it can be tragic, but both parties can be doing the right thing here. Waiting a year or two could well be unbiblical. What would Jesus do? Jesus never married.

And why should parents have the right to say no for an adult. Biblically thats an indefensible position.

I agree.I dont even like the whole 'WWJD' thing that much.(And yes it is applicable in some cases)But the wwjd comment isnt even applicable in this case.

[JerryLove]

The answers seem to exposuse a double-standard. If he loves you he will forstall his need to be married, but you won't give up your need to not be married for the same reason.

Of course, the reverse is no more valid: that you should marry when you ar enot ready for him, but he should not wait when he is ready for you.

Honestly, it sounds like the two of you are just in different places. If you want to resolve this to keep a relationship, you need to sit down with him and deal with *why* he feels the need to get married by summer. Maybe there is another, mutually acceptable manner in which that need can be satiatied.

Otherwise, it's simply an incompatability. It's sad, and painful, but none-the-less true; and giving up on something you've already decided you cannot give up on is unlikely to prevent the break-up, only forstall it. Then you will be going through this as a divorce, after months or years of unhapiness, and with children possibly involved.

Why does it hurt? Because you want to be with him and because he's a part of your life right now. But wanting isn't enough. We want things we can't have or loose all the time. It sucks. We suffer, and seek solstace in our family, our friends, our religion, and our knowledge that things will get better.

So my advice? Try to find the underlying reason and see if an accord can be reached. If not, eat some cookie-dough ice-cream with your best friend a couple of nights while complaining what a jerk he is.