I have a crush on a girl...again.

bobthecockroach · 02-05-2008, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarshock

i hate to tell you but thats not enough... when i said ask her what she likes and dislikes i ment that you should know the little things about her. you should know things like what her favorite color is, what her favorite and least favorite food is, when her birthday is. it will be better in the long run if you know the little things about her and have a good stable friendship before you try to date her.

Oddly enough, I think you're missing the very point you're trying to make. You're saying that, yeah, it's not so important that you know all the specifics or her musical tastes and what sports she enjoys... it's more important that you know all the specifics of her favorite colors and foods. You're still just making a list of specifics that one should figure out before dating someone, as if compatibility was based on one's answers to one of those dumb email surveys. You're not questioning the method of basing a relationship on an email survey kind of knowledge, you're just debating what questions should be on the survey.

Yet, oddly enough, the very point you seem to be making, and the point I want to make, is that a relationship isn't supposed to be based on email survey knowledge at all. Deciding whether to pursue a relationship with someone isn't about finding out the answers to a bunch of silly questions like, "Do you have faith in Jesus? Do you prefer blue or green? What foods do you like? What movies do you like?" (Note: I don't think religion is unimportant. In fact, quite the contrary. I included "Do you have faith in Jesus?" in that list, because what you need to know about someone's religion is how it is played out in their life. What they profess in response to questions is not the point.) On the other hand, deciding whether to pursue a relationship with someone is based on knowing THEM, not just their answers to some rather unimportant questions. You need to know how she lives, how she responds to things, what she dedicates herself to, how she practices her faith, what she values, how she interacts with others. NONE of these things can be learned through a question-and-answer session.

Now, make a note of this. I am not downplaying the significance of discussing favorite colors and music and movies and sports. These are the sort of things that get a friendship going: common interests. And certainly, without any common interests a relationship is pretty pointless. So, it's great that you've discussed these things with her and found common ground. It gives you something to grow on to start building a friendship that will hopefully soon become a relationship. Nevertheless, the real important stuff is stuff you will only gain by being her friend and interacting with her on a regular basis.

If you want to know if you should pursue this, you need to find ways to hang out with her. It would also really help to interact with her and her friends/family and for her to interact with you and your friends/family. Then you'll have a really knowledge of who she is, not just a familiarity with her tastes and interests.

Now please understand, I'm not saying you need to be friends for 4 years and then have a 2 year courtship. In fact, I think a few weeks, or at most a few months, of real, face-to-face, regular interaction with her will give you the picture of her you need. As it stands now though, I would work on using the common ground you've found to build a friendship. Talk about things that matter to you. Talk about religion. I don't mean by that to give her a quiz of important questions about her religion. Talk about God. Talk about living the Christian life. Talk about making a Christian family. Talk about living as a member of your denomination. I think if you do these things, you will quickly get a much better feel for whether you should a pursue a relationship with her. On top of that, you'll also be in a much better position to start one. Starting a relationship with someone you've only met once is a bit premature, I'd say, no matter how many facts you know about them.

JerRocks2day · 02-05-2008, 10:51 AM

I'll take your advice and I'll try getting to know her better. I'll try to find out what else we have in common. Besides, I haven't seen her for like, two months. That should be more of a reason to try to be friends first.

sugarshock · 02-05-2008, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobthecockroach

Oddly enough, I think you're missing the very point you're trying to make. You're saying that, yeah, it's not so important that you know all the specifics or her musical tastes and what sports she enjoys... it's more important that you know all the specifics of her favorite colors and foods. You're still just making a list of specifics that one should figure out before dating someone, as if compatibility was based on one's answers to one of those dumb email surveys. You're not questioning the method of basing a relationship on an email survey kind of knowledge, you're just debating what questions should be on the survey.

i think you misunderstood me. i wasnt saying that he should make a list of things to find out. i was just giving examples of things that friends know about each other, things that they find out about each other over time. making a list and firing off questions is slightly creepy...

JerRocks2day · 02-05-2008, 11:19 AM

Quote:

If you want to know if you should pursue this, you need to find ways to hang out with her. It would also really help to interact with her and her friends/family and for her to interact with you and your friends/family. Then you'll have a really knowledge of who she is, not just a familiarity with her tastes and interests.

I do know some of her friends. I've known them before I met Alana.

Ax · 02-05-2008, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JerRocks2day

I do know some of her friends. I've known them before I met Alana.

Again.. Here -----> . <---- is the point and way off by itself.......... ......

over to the right --> ------>.<----- is where you managed to land

It's cgr for the visual learner ^.^

bobthecockroach · 02-05-2008, 11:47 AM

I think that's a bit unfair, Ax. It's also a bit rude and unhelpful. Please, this is not a forum for making jokes, being sarcastic, or talking bad about people. It's a forum for giving advice and offering support and discussing issues of dating and relationship. Please stick to that purpose.

Really, Jer (I forgot your name... or never knew it... what is it?), I think you are getting it, and I think you're going to handle this well. I think some of us are just concerned because from some of your posts, it does sound like you are taking a "checklist" approach to getting to know. But I think you have gotten some good advice here, and I think if you read it well and hear what we're trying to say, you'll do fine. As you said, without having seen her in 2 months, you really need to establish the friendship first anyway. Just give it a bit of time before deciding on the relationship. In a month or two, if you've managed to establish regular contact and build a friendship, I think you'll be in a position to decide on a relationship.

sugarshock · 02-05-2008, 12:00 PM

he's right AX. be nice to the kid. having some common firends is a good place to start.

SecretAgentRat · 02-05-2008, 01:32 PM

Jeremy--
Hey!
I think you've gotten some stellar advice here, but would like to input my own two cents.

Don't over think this. To have a friend (even a girlfriend) there need not be perfect compatibility of interests. It's great that you have things in common, but don't get hung up on those things. Remember that you can have good friends in people who don't have the same exact interests as you.
One of my best and dearest male friends and I have almost no common ground other than going to the same church and having a similar sense of humor. We're not really into the same music or movies. We don't really enjoy many of the same hobbies. However, he is one of my closest friends and I love him for the individual that he is. Sure we both liked Batman Begins and both suck equally at pool--but those aren't the things that make him my friend. Take the time to get to know her for who she is without worrying about "we."
It's good to have things in common but remember that relationships are not like a recipe and that they will all be different. Just be her friend and don't stress out about what things you share. You'll find those things if you relax into the relationship and just enjoy it.

I hope that is helpful! So far I think you're doing an excellent job trying to figure this all out--it can be really confusing. Don't be afraid to ask if you have more questions--there is no such thing as a stupid question, even if people make you feel like there is; they all had to learn this stuff once in their life and this just happens to be the way that you're learning it. Good for you!

segoviamuse · 02-11-2008, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JerRocks2day

The point that I'm trying to tell you is that she's catholic. I've been asking a load of people for advice and I don't know what to do. I really need help.

The question is does she have a relationship with God. I was brought up catholic and when i turned 16 i was allowed to finally attend another denomination. I found that the catholic church didnt help my relationship with God, it more made me rebel.
I think you can make this work. But give it more time. Make sure to keep communicating with her. It will come up soon enough that you like her. You've got a lot of time ahead of you yet. And if you still like her in time to come, by then you'll be allowed to date her.

McKena · 02-24-2008, 02:14 PM

If you have common friends then maybe you can have a group hang out and get to know her that way. Exchange numbers and tell her you two should hang some more (if things go well). Once you start getting closer, invite her over for dinner or something while your family is there so your family can get to know her. Then they will see what a nice girl she is and maybe give you more freedoms to hang out with her.

**Rainer.** · 02-25-2008, 07:07 PM

Though, the honest truth is that sometimes just being a "nice girl" isn't going to cut it with parents. It's really a matter of how committed you are willing to be and what you are willing to sacrifice.

However, I think in this particular situation, it is a time away from that point.