[Jay Tea]

Musically I'm thinking of this as kind of a fun, bouncy pop song.

You sauntered in the door
As if you had an invitation
You gave a little wink
I gave you my salutations
You handed me a drink
We struck up a conversation
You handed me your card
And said your name was, "Sweet Temptation"

You
Hit me like a radio single
You
Hit me like a giant's uppercut
You
Hit me like a fish on a line
I'm like a fish on the line
I'm like a fish on the line

You sauntered out the door
That was always my suspicion
You left me feeling blind
Like I ain't got no intuition
A wave of my desire
Washed away a benediction
A wave of my regret
Washes in with your fruition

You're a shiny Christmas toy
If I could be a good boy
Maybe I'll get what I want
Because I love/hate you

[+SEAL+]

This one's screaming hellogoodbye to me. As an indie-pop song, not bad. The rhymes are what make it, I think.

[rock_show_host]

Originally Posted by Jay Tea

You sauntered in the door
As if you had an invitation
You gave a little wink
I gave you my salutations
You handed me a drink
We struck up a conversation
You handed me your card
And said your name was, "Sweet Temptation"

This is excellent; I agree with +SEAL+, the rhymes work really well here.

You
Hit me like a radio single
You
Hit me like a giant's uppercut
You
Hit me like a fish on a line
I'm like a fish on the line
I'm like a fish on the line

I like this too, it's fun in a quirky way. I'd be interested to hear it set to music.

You sauntered out the door
That was always my suspicion
You left me feeling blind
Like I ain't got no intuition
A wave of my desire
Washed away a benediction
A wave of my regret
Washes in with your fruition

I don't like this as much as the first verse; all the repeated "ition" words seem a bit awkward and forced just for the rhyme scheme. Also, the overall feel of the verse doesn't fit the rest of the song at all. The first verse and chorus are both lighthearted and playful with quirky images like "a giant's uppercut," and then you have a verse with generic melancholy phrases like "wave of my desire," "wave of my regret," and "you left me feeling blind." I dunno, it just threw off the feel of the song for me.

You're a shiny Christmas toy
If I could be a good boy
Maybe I'll get what I want
Because I love/hate you

This sounds a bit awkward, but it's back to the fun, light feel of the beginning of the song. I can see it sounding great sung/in a musical context.

[TravisR]

I agree with the hellogoodbye comment. I love the title. It sounds so original.

[Small]

Originally Posted by Jay Tea

Musically I'm thinking of this as kind of a fun, bouncy pop song.

You sauntered in the door
As if you had an invitation
You gave a little wink
I gave you my salutations
You handed me a drink
We struck up a conversation
You handed me your card
And said your name was, "Sweet Temptation"

I like it a lot. It's got excellent rhythm and rhyme. That said, 'gave a little wink" feels wrong, in an inarticulate way.

You
Hit me like a radio single
You
Hit me like a giant's uppercut
You
Hit me like a fish on a line
I'm like a fish on the line
I'm like a fish on the line

Nice, nice, nice.

You sauntered out the door
That was always my suspicion
You left me feeling blind
Like I ain't got no intuition
A wave of my desire
Washed away a benediction
A wave of my regret
Washes in with your fruition

"Washes in with your fruition" seems just a touch...too obtuse, perhaps? More obtuse than you're being with this song, at least.

You're a shiny Christmas toy
If I could be a good boy
Maybe I'll get what I want
Because I love/hate you

I frankly don't get, or especially care for this part. It's got potential, but right now, it doesn't make an awful lot of sense, and it doesn't measure up to the rest of the song, either.

Overall, you've got the makings of an awesome song here. I'm very impressed.

[Jay Tea]

Thanks for the comments, all. I don't know anything about hellogoodbye, but indie-pop is probably a better word for what I was thinking. I've got a bit of a recording thrown together, and I really like the bass line, but I'm going to try to get some drums in there before I post it.

Originally Posted by rock_show_host

I don't like this as much as the first verse; all the repeated "ition" words seem a bit awkward and forced just for the rhyme scheme. Also, the overall feel of the verse doesn't fit the rest of the song at all. The first verse and chorus are both lighthearted and playful with quirky images like "a giant's uppercut," and then you have a verse with generic melancholy phrases like "wave of my desire," "wave of my regret," and "you left me feeling blind." I dunno, it just threw off the feel of the song for me.

I was concerned about this in particular for the "wave of my regret" line, but I hoped the rest of the verse would even it out a little. Guess not. All of the rhymes feel forced to me, because they are -- that was really kinda fun to do. I'm still trying to fit "tessellation" in somewhere. Anyway, I did a couple more second verses...alternate endings, if you will. Good practice if nothing else, but I think they do a better job of keeping a lighter feel. At some level, though, I am changing focus a little bit in the second verse, so I'm not sure I can keep it at quite the same level.

I sent you out the door
But you're still closer than the kitchen
E-ven-tu-al-ly I
Am sure I'll have to wash your dishes
But I'll see you again
It might be true to say, "tradition"
'Cause everytime we meet
I seem to make the same decision

You clung to me all night
Now I can hear you in the kitchen
A pile of dirty pans
Is what you'll leave--that's my suspicion
You're cooking up a feast
On platters of my indecision
And when I've had my fill
I'll be feeling indigestion

I like it a lot. It's got excellent rhythm and rhyme. That said, 'gave a little wink" feels wrong, in an inarticulate way.

That's kind of a bummer. "Wink" is a fun word to sing there. Maybe I can give a better verb or adjective. "Sultry wink"? Doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well...

"Washes in with your fruition" seems just a touch...too obtuse, perhaps? More obtuse than you're being with this song, at least.

I can see that. It's not really the way you'd normally use "fruition", I think.

I frankly don't get, or especially care for this part. It's got potential, but right now, it doesn't make an awful lot of sense, and it doesn't measure up to the rest of the song, either.

I can see that too. There's a certain amount of paradox/nonsense in there, but there's also a certain amount of nonsense in the way I interact with my sinful nature. Do you think that this being the only part of the song that objectifies temptation, rather than personifying it is a problem? My original plan for the second verse was to bridge that a little better, but so far, it hasn't turned out that way.

[+SEAL+]

http://www.purevolume.com/hellogoodbye

Check out "Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn", and I think you'll know what I meant when I compared this song to them. IMO, this song fits indie-pop perfectly.