Do engaged people ever get doubts?

glamaricious · 11-19-2007, 11:24 AM

So I was wondering... you're engaged to someone you love and everyone expects it to be wonderful 24/7... you know you love your fiance(e) but dont always necessarily feel in love with them... you have doubts sometimes.... is this normal? or a big problemo?

**Skeeter** · 11-19-2007, 11:43 AM

Doubts are certainly not uncommon during the engagement, especially as the big day approaches and the stress level increases. Life isn't perfect and love certainly isn't perfect, at least this side of heaven. My suggestion would be to be honest about both your love and your doubts. This can be a growing experience.

In addition, feelings are vastly overrated. It's wonderful when you do have overwhelming feelings of love and passion towards your future spouse, but it's not going to happen all the time. What is far more important is your commitment towards each other.

**Epaphras** · 11-20-2007, 07:37 AM

I'll re-iterate what Skeeter said: feelings are vastly overrated.

Most of the time, any doubt I'm experiencing (in connection with the wedding or in general), just getting it out there - journaling, a friend's counsel, etc. - really evaporates the fears.

My theory is that since our enemy seeks to steal, kill, and destroy, he'll do anything to prevent this holy union. Including putting false doubt into our minds that, if left festering, can cause real problems.

Be honest and open with yourself and a trusted friend about doubts and I think you'll find they'll evaporate.

Now, there's a difference between these "doubt-arrows" and real "red flags". I think in the process of getting honest with yourself and a friend, you'll be able to discern if what you are experiencing is really genuine or just an attack.

Nate · 11-20-2007, 07:53 AM

Feelings are not overrated. God made you an emotional being for a reason.

Steve353 · 11-20-2007, 10:03 AM

True Nate, but you can't let feelings be the sole basis for making decisions, especially important ones. I quite often 'feel' like doing bad things. I don't do them because the more rationale side of my brain recognizes they are wrong and will only give me short term happiness with long term suffering. Having said that, in answer to the question.

Doubts are a normal part of any relationship. No marriage is perfectly happy all of the time. If you think you should be head over heels 'in love' 100% of the time then you have fairly unrealistic expectations of what a happy, healthy relationship should consist of. I will also re-iterate that a loving relationship is much more dependant on commitment to one another than good times feelings.

If you rely on feelings alone then the first bump in the road you come along will have you going your seperate ways. If you commit yourselves to each other and truly submit to each other as husband and wife, with Jesus Christ at the center of your marriage, then you will have the ability to ride the waves of this life's storms. I wish you well.

**Skeeter** · 11-20-2007, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate

Feelings are not overrated. God made you an emotional being for a reason.

Feelings are important, of course. I thoroughly agree that emotions are a core part of our being and are very important. They're also overrated.

Nate · 11-20-2007, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve353

If you rely on feelings alone then the first bump in the road you come along will have you going your seperate ways. If you commit yourselves to each other and truly submit to each other as husband and wife, with Jesus Christ at the center of your marriage, then you will have the ability to ride the waves of this life's storms. I wish you well.

But if you can't stand each other, it won't make the damnedest bit of difference how committed you are.

God help me if I ever stop being "in love" with my wife.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 11-20-2007, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate

But if you can't stand each other, it won't make the damnedest bit of difference how committed you are.

God help me if I ever stop being "in love" with my wife.

I actually agree with this strongly. If you are not "in love" with your wife I think it is a symptom of a dangerous, dangerous marital problem.

Will you have doubts while engaged? Most people do a little, but if its a huge, constant issue, I think it is a sign that something in the relationship is in serious trouble. I would suspect that that would indicate a problem which is critical to address before marriage, and if its a nagging question, it might well indicate a problem you do not want to look at accurately.

There are times when commitment is far more key than being in love in the worst of times, but at the same time, that commitment should be generating a feeling of love.

I'd say that there have been 2 nights since my wedding where my wife and I were not" in love" and those were brutal, brutal fights that took both of us a lot to actually deal with. Thats out of getting close to a thousand now. Even so, I can say with absolute certainty that even so I loved my wife during the fight and tried to show love. just not the sort of "in love" feeling.

Nomes · 11-20-2007, 09:46 PM

Feelings are good. Feeling in love is great too. But to be "in-love" with your spouce doesn't necessarily mean there are always little birdies flying about and singing to you, and everything is in slow motion and pretty and cruisy. It doesn't work that way. Just as an example, even when my husband and I fight, in the back of my mind I'm thinking "you're being such a jerk right now and I don't really want to talk to you, but I love you and can't wait 'til this is over and we're back to normal" I wouldnt say that I'm not "in-love" with him during a fight, but it isn't always pretty either.

I agree with what others have said - you need to find a way to decern what is nerves or if there is a real problem.

During my engagement to my now husband I had moments doubt because I found myself comparing our relationship to movies and to what people would say. But I would talk to my fiance and to my mum and sorted through each thing as it came up. I don't know what you're struggling with, but it's so easy to think that your plans with your future spouse will slot nicely into expectations, whether yours or someone elses. It's a bit of a shock when you realise that's not how it works. But all this can be worked through.