[The wirerat]

No Empathy
I stifle my words
And say nothing
To those in mourning
Even though
I could empathize
With them
I stifle my sayings
and my tears
Hide every drop of emotion
Hold the pain
And forget about
The empathy
Needed by those
In pain
My heart is cold
And I am a shell of myself
No longer living inside
But on the outside only
As I cover my mouth
I hide my eyes
The hate burns for those
Who mourn
I cannot quench this fire
At those who are so easily hurt

[Ordinary Sarah]

Nice. Not bad at all. I like the ideas you're getting across a lot.

[The wirerat]

Please RC this

Your last words
Before you walked out the door
Hit me with their
Savage meaning
Its not fair
That you're
The one who's leaving
And I can't lash out
Like I've always wanted to
It doesn't make sense
That you are the one
Who's not happy
Guess I'll go shoot myself
In the mouth
To clean out the empty anger

[Ordinary Sarah]

It doesn't make sense
That you are the one
Who's not happy

I was thinking you could maybe change the line up above this that says,

"It's not fair
That you're
The one who's leaving" to:

"It doesn't make sense
That you're the one
Who's leaving."


I think it would give a lot more emphasis if it paralleled that second stanza.

[The wirerat]

Like this?
Your last words
Before you walked out the door
Hit me with their
Savage meaning
It doesn't make sense
That you're
The one
Who's leaving
And I can't lash out
Like I've always wanted to
It doesn't make sense
That you are the one
Who's not happy
Guess I'll go shoot myself
In the mouth
To clean out the empty anger

[Ordinary Sarah]

Yep, sounds good to me.

[The wirerat]

The vultures circle
They hungrily await
My demise
But I'm not dead yet
I'm not gone
I've been beaten without pity
Stabbed with no remorse
People revile me
And my hate grows
The rage boils inside of me
Giving me just enough
To live on.
As I rise to my feet
They scream
An apparition
Bent only on revenge
Roars and falls again
I hear the shouts of laughter
But before I rise
I hear the shouts die down
I feel a hand on my shoulder
Someone helps me up
And runs water on my face
And helps me see again
I feel the rage disappear
And love replace it
As I look into the eyes of
My Master

[Guitaress]

I like the ending

But definatly not the most encourageous poem

[Cruelty*free]

OMGosh this poem is Soooo awsome!!!! I love it!!!! You don't know how much I love this poem.

[The wirerat]

Originally Posted by Cruelty*free

OMGosh this poem is Soooo awsome!!!! I love it!!!! You don't know how much I love this poem.

Um, wow. I didn't know you could be so forceful. *falls over backwards*

So, what did you like about it so much? Do tell.

[Cruelty*free]

I see you've changed it
The first one I liked better, it just hit me. Like I kind of can relate since our/my life is so far from perfect and it reminds me of the goodness of God.When I'm down I have something good to look forward to. It reminds me of days.....

[The wirerat]

A Title Would Be Nice Too
You opened up you heart today
And I wasn't ready
You pushed the wrong buttons
And I opened up
To you, I need to remain closed
I can't open up
It hurts too much
But you opened the floodgate
You did, and not I
Will you suffer the consequences
As I withdraw
To lick my wounds
I'm all twisted inside
Trying to find the leak in my armor
That you found and used
Please stop don't look at me
I can't take it anymore
please please just leave

I'm sorry, I don't even know where this should end. Help?

[Jeffrey]

Originally Posted by The wirerat

A Title Would Be Nice Too

We'll get to that.

You opened up you heart today
And I wasn't ready
You pushed the wrong buttons
And I opened up

For one, I'd format this differently. This poem needs stanza breaks, because it gets a bit wearisome without them.

I'd format it like this:

You opened up you heart today
And I wasn't ready

You pushed the wrong buttons
And I opened up

But beyond that, you need a different verb phrase than "opened up" in this second stanza, because you used it in the opening. Or, you need to draw more attention to the repetition so it seems purposeful. "You pushed the wrong buttons/And then I opened up as well" or "And then I, too, opened up."

Then, I'd continue that image, just a bit further, adding a line to the second stanza that says something like "Together, we unfolded," or "Together, we left ourselves exposed."

To you, I need to remain closed
I can't open up
It hurts too much

Your first four lines were simple, but too much simplicity (especially resting on cliches) is tiresome, and reflects poorly on the poet. I would switch to a specific image: a song that needs to be left unsung, a door that needs to be left shut, etc.

Or, you could take this line and build a series of lines around it:

But you opened the floodgate

You did, and not I
Will you suffer the consequences
As I withdraw
To lick my wounds
I'm all twisted inside
Trying to find the leak in my armor
That you found and used
Please stop don't look at me
I can't take it anymore
please please just leave

The thoughts here are just too scattered. Pick one of these images and work with it. Once you have that key image, you'll be able to work out a title.

Also, I don't think you meant "leak," I think you meant "chink."

So, work out some extended images, break this into stanzas, and cut out the cliches.

[The wirerat]

Act
When I see the world
I cower in a corner
Like a child
I show my fear
Distrust runs rampant
And the shade hides my face
No one knows me
And those who suspect
Only guess never find
The one they knew
Who was me
But I am no longer
My face has changed
The winds of time
Have beaten the covering
Mercilessly away
To reveal
The stone image
I’ve become
I no longer think
But act
It’s a complicated play
I’ve written
Is the final act about to close?
Or is there more to see
No eye contact now
Or I will break
And the play will be gone,
The curtains gone
And they will see
It’s not a play,
But reality
And the figure
On the stage
Is really me.

[Cruelty*free]

Really Good. You have a talent.