[+Donny]

The Devil's Brew

Coffee is a thin, frail hand
Holding you up in the morning
Tossing you around and pouring
Sleep out into a mug, where it can
Steep until evening.

Or maybe more like a coffee maker,
Which shakes me awake,
And sends me through tablespoons
Of ground up thoughts
and broken dreams,
Percolating as I slide down
And tumble through
the lid of another day,
Which really is like a coffee pot,
Since it holds me while
I grow tired and bitter,
And it throws me into a drain,
Pouring me through pipes
As I wander through a dream,
Until I stream out of the faucet again,
And the alarm rolls me over to another boil.

Line 2 of the second stanza used to be "and wakes me to a boil", but I deleted that because of the last line. I also tried "and wakes me with a simmer" because of the alliteration with that and the next line, but it felt too weak. Thoughts on that would be nice.

[Pre-Ex-Girlfriend]

"Wakes me with a splash" maybe?

I like that first stanza a lot.

[guitarczar]

Thoughts I have, because your poem jump-started them. Almost as if it was the caffeine, eh?

Originally Posted by +Donny

Coffee is a thin, frail hand
Holding you up in the morning
Tossing you around and pouring
Sleep out into a mug, where it can
Steep until evening.

For starters, I love the first stanza. Well executed, well-written. My only nitpick would be that coffee doesn't really "steep." That's more of a tea word. But excellent word choice nonetheless. And who am I to tell you it can't be used for coffee? Dante used it to describe a river of boiling blood to great effect. You could replace it with sleep. I know you already use it in the previous line, but there's something intriguing about sleep sleeping until it's ready to be awoken again, only to put your body into slumber.

I'm taking the next stanza in separate parts because there's a lot to comment on.

Originally Posted by +Donny

Or maybe more like a coffee maker,
Which shakes me awake,
And sends me through tablespoons
Of ground up thoughts
and broken dreams,

I like this, especially the idea. "And serves me through tablespoons" sounds better to me than "And sends." More coffee-lingo, anyway.

Originally Posted by +Donny

Percolating as I slide down
And tumble through
the lid of another day,
Which really is like a coffee pot,
Since it holds me while
I grow tired and bitter,
And it throws me into a drain,
Pouring me through pipes
As I wander through a dream,
Until I stream out of the faucet again,
And the alarm rolls me over to another boil.

I really like the ideas in this stanza, but the delivery isn't as smooth. I think you could tighten up the phrases and serve the content more esspresso style, if you take my meaning. That said, the bitter coffee analogy is a clever play on the effect of work or stress on a person's day, and I REALLY like the "Pouring me through the pipes" train of thought. Overall, very clever (which seems to be the exemplar for your poems), and with just a little tinkering, it could be great. Thanks for sharing.

[+Donny]

My only nitpick would be that coffee doesn't really "steep." That's more of a tea word. But excellent word choice nonetheless.

That was actually the sleep steeping, not the coffee.

Thanks for the comments, though; they were helpful.