[RubberChipmunk]

This is my first attempt in poetry in a LONG time, and a few people already said it was really good, so I suppose I'll get some more feedback here.

We each have our ups and downs
Our smiles, laughs, tears and frowns
When we need some cheering up
We call each other and act like clowns
I love the silly songs we sing
To make each other laugh again
Whenever my phone starts to sound
I hope its you that made it ring
Our lives are tough like stormy weather
But we're always there for each other
I wonder... would me plus you make things better?
Can't our lives just suck... together?

[Ordinary Sarah]

It's sweet. And you have good rhythm. However...

I wonder... would me plus you make things better?
Can't our lives just suck... together?

I nearly loathe this part. "Me plus you" is so awkward sounding. I really stumbled over myself when I got to that part, trying to read it. Also, the dot-dot-dot's are a bit much, especially because you didn't use them earlier, and also because they aren't really adding to the emotion or anything. Imo.

The last line is probably the worst. The rest of the poem was so sweet, so sentimental - reminded me of times I've had with good friends. And then the end was like..... ugh. Can our lives just suck together? Gosh. It just sounds too cynical and harsh for the rest of the piece.



But like I said, the rest is really very good.

[lilmissiongirl]

i agree 100% with SarahTheGuitarist i couldn't have said it better

[RubberChipmunk]

Well, I'd change it, but that's actually my favorite line of the poem. The rest was filler that I came up with because a two line poem was a bit lacking. And that's exactly how I felt at the time when I wrote it.