[Godslilrosebud]

Of Jokes, that is.

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This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2 July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.

3.-------

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice,
"Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's

on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted
area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets

from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna
look"
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!"

Regards,
Walmart

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CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Thirty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "The Lord Knows Why."

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: "How Much Can A Man Drink?" with hymns from a full choir.

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God is Good. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted

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Here are the top 10 examples of the most unusual excuses employees offered their managers for arriving late to work:

1. Someone was following me, and I drove all around town trying to lose them.
2. My dog dialed 911, and the police wanted to question me about what "really" happened.
3. My girlfriend got mad and destroyed all of my undergarments.
4. I woke up and thought I was temporarily deaf.
5. I just wasn't "feelin' it" this morning.
6. I was up all night arguing with God.
7. A raccoon stole my work shoe off my porch.
8. I super-glued my eye thinking it was contact solution.
9. I was putting lotion on my face when my finger went up my nose causing a nose bleed.
10. A prostitute climbed into my car at a stop light, and I was afraid my wife would see her and think I was messing around... so I got out of the car.

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Several years ago when I was a reporter for a suburban newspaper, I happened upon a construction site with a sign that ominously warned: "DANGER. RADIOACTIVE MATERIALS."

My pulse quickened by the prospect of a hard-hitting expose, I made a quick call to my editor. Then I returned to the scene to investigate. The construction supervisor looked unhappy to see me. "I'll tell you the truth," he said, "but I'm going to ask you not to publish what I say."

Just like the movies, I thought.

But then he continued, "There's nothing radioactive on this site. That sign has been the only way to keep our lumber from being stolen."

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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

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Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8, the egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada . Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He al so explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

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During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.

The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.

The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

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I would post it as an image, but the thing won't cooperate.

http://jimnjenn.com/picture/

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Louisiana Purchase

As most of you receiving this know, New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family,
making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client that I thought was absolutely priceless!!

You gotta love this lawyer....... it's too good not to share!

Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.


After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"


The loan was approved.

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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? =O)

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why they gave me a user name and password to this site in the first place?

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December 18, 1992

Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought he could catch the culprits in the act.

The burglars came back and were captured on tape, which Schmidt turned over to the sheriff.

Among the items the burglars took from Schmidt's house was a box containing eight marijuana plants.

Schmidt was charged with misdemeanor drug possession.

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"First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be." -- Jacques Futrelle, "The Problem of Cell 13"

Most mathematicians are familiar with -- or have at least seen references in the literature to -- the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall deal exclusively with the latter here.

Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope results.

Recent findings indicate that the Pythagorean Brotherhood discovered a proof that 2 + 2 = 5, but the proof never got written up. Contrary to what one might expect, the proof's nonappearance was not caused by a cover-up such as the Pythagoreans attempted with the irrationality of the square root of two. Rather, they simply could not pay for the necessary scribe service. They had lost their grant money due to the protests of an oxen-rights activist who objected to the Brotherhood's method of celebrating the discovery of theorems. Thus it was that only the equation 2 + 2 = 4 was used in Euclid's "Elements," and nothing more was heard of 2 + 2 = 5 for several centuries.

Around A.D. 1200 Leonardo of Pisa (Fibonacci) discovered that a few weeks after putting 2 male rabbits plus 2 female rabbits in the same cage, he ended up with considerably more than 4 rabbits. Fearing that too strong a challenge to the value 4 given in Euclid would meet with opposition, Leonardo conservatively stated, "2 + 2 is more like 5 than 4." Even this cautious rendition of his data was roundly condemned and earned Leonardo the nickname "Blockhead." By the way, his practice of underestimating the number of rabbits persisted; his celebrated model of rabbit populations had each birth consisting of only two babies, a gross underestimate if ever there was one.

Some 400 years later, the thread was picked up once more, this time by the French mathematicians. Descartes announced, "I think 2 + 2 = 5; therefore it does." However, others objected that his argument was somewhat less than totally rigorous. Apparently, Fermat had a more rigorous proof which was to appear as part of a book, but it and other material were cut by the editor so that the book could be printed with wider margins.

Between the fact that no definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5 was available and the excitement of the development of calculus, by 1700 mathematicians had again lost interest in the equation. In fact, the only known 18th-century reference to 2 + 2 = 5 is due to the philosopher Bishop Berkeley who, upon discovering it in an old manuscript, wryly commented, "Well, now I know where all the departed quantities went to -- the right-hand side of this equation." That witticism so impressed California intellectuals that they named a university town after him.

But in the early to middle 1800's, 2 + 2 began to take on great significance. Riemann developed an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 5, paralleling the Euclidean 2 + 2 = 4 arithmetic. Moreover, during this period Gauss produced an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 3. Naturally, there ensued decades of great confusion as to the actual value of 2 + 2. Because of changing opinions on this topic, Kempe's proof in 1880 of the 4-color theorem was deemed 11 years later to yield, instead, the 5-color theorem. Dedekind entered the debate with an article entitled "Was ist und was soll 2 + 2?"

Frege thought he had settled the question while preparing a condensed version of his "Begriffsschrift." This condensation, entitled "Die Kleine Begriffsschrift (The Short Schrift)," contained what he considered to be a definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5. But then Frege received a letter from Bertrand Russell, reminding him that in "Grundbeefen der Mathematik" Frege had proved that 2 + 2 = 4. This contradiction so discouraged Frege that he abandoned mathematics altogether and went into university administration.

Faced with this profound and bewildering foundational question of the value of 2 + 2, mathematicians followed the reasonable course of action: they just ignored the whole thing. And so everyone reverted to 2 + 2 = 4 with nothing being done with its rival equation during the 20th century. There had been rumors that Bourbaki was planning to devote a volume to 2 + 2 = 5 (the first forty pages taken up by the symbolic expression for the number five), but those rumor remained unconfirmed. Recently, though, there have been reported computer-assisted proofs that 2 + 2 = 5, typically involving computers belonging to utility companies. Perhaps the 21st century will see yet another revival of this historic equation.

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10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5 -

9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!

7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!

6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!

4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)

3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

And the number one biblical saying of mothers is:

1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that wood, if your father asked ya to

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How many churchgoers does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide.

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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

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Three men, Pierre, Franco, and Jim were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

They asked the Pierre what he wanted.

"Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Next it was Franco's turn.

"Give me a big plate of pasta," said Franco.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Now it was Jim's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said Jim.

"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!"

"So, I'll wait..."

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The Difference Between A Republican And A Democrat

Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.

NOW do you understand the difference?

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Moe and Joe

Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let ! me know if there's baseball up there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, " Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's ! me, Joe ," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

---

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

---

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

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My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit in the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat on the back pew. The sermon was about the Ten Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon, and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Preacher, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"

My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

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The Society for the Prevention of Annoying Mail (S.P.A.M. for short) recently issued official guidelines to reduce the amount of unsolicited e-mails that people receive each day: 1.) don't own a computer, and 2.) if you must own a computer, don't EVER turn it on.

The society claims that if we follow these two important steps, we can reduce our volume of unwanted e-mails by upwards of 50 percent. Personally I doubt it.

The people who send me an avalanche of e-mails each day promising that they can provide cheap drugs, cheap women, can't-miss investments, replica watches, and products that will miraculously improve my hair, teeth, spleen, and other strategic body parts will not stop bothering me simply because I unplug my computer and throw it off a cliff.

No, if I did that, these persistent folks surely would drive to my house and slip notes under my front door with eye-catching words such as "V!agra," "Cialis," and, "Add 4 inches to your spleenis." (E-mail spammers misspell certain words on purpose to avoid software filtering programs. I wish I had thought of that in my 5th grade English class. "But Mrs. McGillicuddy, I spelled those words wrong on purpose because I plan to go into online marketing when I grow up -- as soon as Al Gore invents the Internet 10 years from now.")

Stop the insanity

Sometimes I receive computer chain letters with a heartrending tale of a little girl dying, or the urgent news that Madeline Murray O'Hair is working hard to outlaw all religious broadcasting (which is a pretty impressive feat on her part since she's been dead for many years). These chain letters always include the desperate plea to forward the message to everyone in my e-mail address book.

By the way, an excellent Web site that debunks these hokey chain letters can be found at Hoaxbusters.ciac.org. I am desperately pleading with you to forward this Web site address to everyone in your e-mail address book! A little girl may die if you don't! The other day I received an interesting chain letter. It contained a cute religious message, which is fine by me because I do a fair amount of religious writing myself. If you'd like to read some, visit my Web site at Boomertrek.com. And please, forward my Web site address to everyone in your e-mail address book! A middle-age man's free-lance career may die if you don't!

Anyway, at the end of the cute religious message, in big letters it said, "Show Jesus how much you love Him by forwarding this to everyone in your address book! Please don't turn your back on Our Lord!" Hmm … does that mean if I do what I usually do with chain letter e-mails -- click "delete" after scanning the first sentence -- then I am actually turning my back on Our Lord? I wasn't sure, so I said a quick prayer: "What should I do, Lord?" \Then Jesus' words from Matthew's gospel popped into my head: "You will find rest for your souls, for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light -- and my burden does not include a bunch of dopey e-mail chain letters."

(OK, possibly that last part is not verbatim from Matthew's gospel.)

So I clicked "delete" with a clean conscience. But the next day I received a bunch of unsolicited e-mails, each with the same subject line: "Why did you turn your back on Me?" Uh oh. Could it be? However, the e-mails turned out to be more offers for drugs that will work wonders on various strategic body parts. Hey, I believe in miracles, but some things are just impossible!

---

The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat
and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold
drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig.
- Texas Bix Bender, Don’t Throw in the Trowel

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.

My wife’s a water sign. I’m an earth sign. Together we make mud. - Rodney Dangerfield

I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.- George Bush, U.S. President, 1990

Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?
So they won’t stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows. - Doug Larson

I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me.
Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.
- Jerry Seinfeld

What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots? String beans.

What did the carrot say to the wheat? Lettuce rest, I’m feeling beet. - Shel Silverstein

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

---

The pastor of a church had a situation with a stray kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove just far enough so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store & met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was not fond of cats and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it. She told the pastor, "I watched my little girl go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the clear blue sky with its paws outstretched, and landed right in front of my daughter."

Never underestimate the Power of GOD and His unique sense of humor. Laughter is medicine to the soul. Prov. 17:22

---

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer approaches the driver’s window and says to the driver,

“Sir, I clocked you at 75 miles per hour, Sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer I had my cruise control set on 60 mph, the speed limit. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”
Without looking up from her knitting, the wife says, “Now, don’t be silly, Dear, you know that our car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer begins writing out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did and you had a chance to slow down a little.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detection unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Cool it, Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer peers into the car, frowns, and says, “And I notice that you are not wearing your seat belt, Sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”:

The wife says, “Now, Dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

As the police officer begins writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife, infuriated, and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP?!”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

The wife smiles sweetly and replies, “No, Sir, only when he’s been drinking.”

[DaGeek]

I got a little over halfway through before asking myself, "Why the heck am I not doing something productive?"

I got some laughs out of it, though, so good job! The last one was the best .

[JayCarrFan]

I'm fairly convinced that post needs some moderation, but I have absolutely no idea what all to do with it.

[Godslilrosebud]

Originally Posted by DaGeek

I got a little over halfway through before asking myself, "Why the heck am I not doing something productive?"

I got some laughs out of it, though, so good job! The last one was the best .

Glad you liked it!

Originally Posted by JayCarrfan

I'm fairly convinced that post needs some moderation, but I have absolutely no idea what all to do with it.

Why would it need moderation?

[Nate]

Originally Posted by Godslilrosebud

Why would it need moderation?

For one, because there are quite a number of inappropriate or off-color things in it.

[Godslilrosebud]

I'm sorry if I didn't see anything blatantly inappropriate. As for "off-colour", I'm not sure what you're referring to. Is there something WRONG with redneck jokes? Or Catholic jokes? Or political jokes? Any more than with blond/blonde jokes?

[Nate]

Originally Posted by Godslilrosebud

I'm sorry if I didn't see anything blatantly inappropriate. As for "off-colour", I'm not sure what you're referring to. Is there something WRONG with redneck jokes? Or Catholic jokes? Or political jokes? Any more than with blond/blonde jokes?

#3 in the Wal-Mart joke, maybe #1 and #12 depending on the mood of the mod.

The Goofy and Pluto joke, unless I'm just completely missing some other meaning.

The "Islamicist" "joke" is just in very very very very very very very poor taste.

[DaGeek]

Originally Posted by Nate

#3 in the Wal-Mart joke, maybe #1 and #12 depending on the mood of the mod.

The Goofy and Pluto joke, unless I'm just completely missing some other meaning.

The "Islamicist" "joke" is just in very very very very very very very poor taste.

Er, how, praytell, is the Goofy and Pluto joke off-color? Seriously, I think you're looking at it too hard... Unless I'm missing something really big...

[Nate]

Originally Posted by DaGeek

Er, how, praytell, is the Goofy and Pluto joke off-color?

Because it's not a joke at all unless the intended meaning of a particular phrase is off-color.

[JayCarrFan]

Please, don't ever do that again. Break it into separate threads, put them in pre-existing threads, but never put a block of text that large in a post. It is way too much trouble to go through and edit. And I dislike jokes about Jews and Muslims.

[DaGeek]

Originally Posted by Nate

Because it's not a joke at all unless the intended meaning of a particular phrase is off-color.

It's a lame question... That's all it is. It's just not funny. *Shrug*

I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong. But it doesn't really matter.

[tlj009]

No, it is not a joke at all. It is in fact one of the "QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME" as is implied by that title. If you think they are suppose to be jokes then you will have to explain how "Can you cry under water?" is a joke.