[Small]

This one is fairly autobiographical, and actually, I wrote the successive verses at successive points of a homeward journey, a fact reflected in the verses. The style is a bit of a departure for me, as well, so I'm interested to hear your opinions.

Heart and Hearth

And in the car, nudging shoulders for moral support,
We tried not to let our faces contort,
Into masks of how we felt,

And on Wednesday in San Francisco,
I quietly questioned what constitutes home,
Where heart and hearth are one,

And in the long line at the security gate,
A desperate hug that couldn’t wait,
Tore at my heart by surprise,

And in the air when at last my eyes were dry,
A ballpoint letter ending in quoted lines,
Caught my breath again,

And in the ugly terminal in Kansas City,
The weary voice of the quietly gritty,
Made me proud and want to swear,

And in the airport, with a bag on my shoulder,
Happy to be home, but just seven days older,
Than when my feet first left the earth,

And in the living room praying they sleep well,
At home like me, or dirty and tired in a free hotel,
I wander upstairs to bed.

[Ax]

Too much use of the word 'and'

[rock_show_host]

I actually disagree; I kind of like the repetition of "and." I think it's interesting that you begin the poem with that word, it's a neat "in media res" feel to start it off. You imply that more happened before the poem started but not strongly enough to feel like something was omitted.

I'll try a detailed RC.

"And in the car, nudging shoulders for moral support,
We tried not to let our faces contort,
Into masks of how we felt,"

I really love this stanza -- nudging shoulders for moral support is a great image, and the idea of "masks of how we felt" is fantastic in that it flips the conventional idea of masks (covering up how one feels) upside-down. Very nice beginning.

"And on Wednesday in San Francisco,
I quietly questioned what constitutes home,
Where heart and hearth are one,"

Also very good. The heart and hearth comparison is nice.

Just a note: the pattern of having commas at the end of every line doesn't seem to really make sense. I'm all for grammatical exceptions in poetry, but the problem is that on a couple stanzas (this one and the last one) the commas make sense, whereas on all the others they're incorrectly placed. I don't feel like it's really necessary for the poem to end every stanza with a comma, especially if the usage is inconsistent. Just a thought.

"And in the long line at the security gate,
A desperate hug that couldn’t wait,
Tore at my heart by surprise,"

The phrase "tore at my heart" is kinda cliche, but I like the "by surprise" you tacked on. It makes the tired phrase sound a bit fresher.

"And in the air when at last my eyes were dry,
A ballpoint letter ending in quoted lines,
Caught my breath again,"

I love the second line here, especially the fact that you used "ballpoint letter" instead of "ballpoint pen letter." Very nice.

"And in the ugly terminal in Kansas City,
The weary voice of the quietly gritty,
Made me proud and want to swear,

I'm not sure I understand the last line, but I really like the contrast between "made me proud" and "want to swear." And "quietly gritty" is a great image.

"And in the airport, with a bag on my shoulder,
Happy to be home, but just seven days older,
Than when my feet first left the earth,"

This one doesn't stand out as much to me, but it's still good. I like the emphasis on being seven days older.

"And in the living room praying they sleep well,
At home like me, or dirty and tired in a free hotel,
I wander upstairs to bed."

I like the first two lines, but the last line seems weak/anticlimactic. Maybe it's just cause the previous stanzas all had more interesting and complicated ending lines, but this one seems a little dull. Maybe you wanted to end it on a simpler note, but it seems like it needs something punchier, or at least more original right at the end.

Overall, I like it a lot (as I'm sure you can tell). A nice look at different aspects of a single theme/idea. Well done

[Mara]

I'm just going to grin at this one.

*grin*

[SupaNova]

I'll hopefully get to a full RC in a day or so, but on the first read through I like it. You're right in that it's a departure from your usual style, but not a very extreme one.

[Job 19:25-27]

I like it

[Nate]

It has a bit of a Sufjan Stevens vibe.

What the hell is a "quietly gritty"?

[Small]

Originally Posted by AXguitar

Too much use of the word 'and'

You'll notice that the word "and" appears only two times in this song when not at the beginning of a stanza, and that they're placed at the beginning of a stanza to achieve a particular effect, and tie the song together, since it has no chorus or bridge.

Normally, I'm a huge stickler for not starting lines with "And".

Originally Posted by rock_show_host

I actually disagree; I kind of like the repetition of "and." I think it's interesting that you begin the poem with that word, it's a neat "in media res" feel to start it off. You imply that more happened before the poem started but not strongly enough to feel like something was omitted.

That was essentially the intended effect, along with what I described above, and the fact that it gives the song a feeling of movement.

I'll try a detailed RC.

I'm glad you did, although, just by the way, it would be easier on you, and us, if instead of wrapping our text in quotes, you just highlighted the text of the stanza you're on, and hit the "Quote Tags" button on the top of the reply screen.

I really love this stanza -- nudging shoulders for moral support is a great image, and the idea of "masks of how we felt" is fantastic in that it flips the conventional idea of masks (covering up how one feels) upside-down. Very nice beginning.

Thank you!

Also very good. The heart and hearth comparison is nice.

Thanks! I think this is the first stanza I wrote.

Just a note: the pattern of having commas at the end of every line doesn't seem to really make sense. I'm all for grammatical exceptions in poetry, but the problem is that on a couple stanzas (this one and the last one) the commas make sense, whereas on all the others they're incorrectly placed. I don't feel like it's really necessary for the poem to end every stanza with a comma, especially if the usage is inconsistent. Just a thought.

Right. That was simply mis-typing on my part. I normally correctly punctuate my songs, but in this case, the original file was deleted, and I re-typed from memory, hence the punctuation problems, and a few lines that reverted to their older, unedited selves, one of which you pointed out.

Lovely thought, though, and I appreciate you mentioning it to me.

The phrase "tore at my heart" is kinda cliche, but I like the "by surprise" you tacked on. It makes the tired phrase sound a bit fresher.

What's frustrating is that I replaced it with something else, and then lost it, but thank you. I'll keep looking for that lost line.

I love the second line here, especially the fact that you used "ballpoint letter" instead of "ballpoint pen letter." Very nice.

Thank you!

I'm not sure I understand the last line, but I really like the contrast between "made me proud" and "want to swear." And "quietly gritty" is a great image.

The last line is a bit awkward, grammatically. Basically, you could say it as "It made me proud, and it made me want to swear." but I just use a single "made me".

This one doesn't stand out as much to me, but it's still good. I like the emphasis on being seven days older.

This one, I wrote after I got home, so it didn't have the real-time feel that the rest of the stanzas had.

I like the first two lines, but the last line seems weak/anticlimactic. Maybe it's just cause the previous stanzas all had more interesting and complicated ending lines, but this one seems a little dull. Maybe you wanted to end it on a simpler note, but it seems like it needs something punchier, or at least more original right at the end.

I thought the ending that would be most evocative of my feelings while I wrote the song, or express most ably what I was trying to, would be something of an anticlimax.

Overall, I like it a lot (as I'm sure you can tell). A nice look at different aspects of a single theme/idea. Well done

Thank you for the RC! They can be few and far between.

Originally Posted by Mara

I'm just going to grin at this one.

*grin*

*nudges shoulder*

Originally Posted by SupaNova

I'll hopefully get to a full RC in a day or so, but on the first read through I like it. You're right in that it's a departure from your usual style, but not a very extreme one.

*pumps fist *

I'm glad you like it.

Originally Posted by Job 19:25-27

I like it

And I'm glad to hear it!

[Small]

Originally Posted by Nate

It has a bit of a Sufjan Stevens vibe.

Casimir Pulaski Day was running through my head on at least a few of the stanzas.

What the hell is a "quietly gritty"?

I'm not even sure what the technical description (other than "incorrect usage") would be for what I'm doing, but I'm using "the" as the object which "gritty" is describing. A similar use would be the Marines' "The Few, The Proud..." etc.

[rock_show_host]

Originally Posted by Small

I'm glad you did, although, just by the way, it would be easier on you, and us, if instead of wrapping our text in quotes, you just highlighted the text of the stanza you're on, and hit the "Quote Tags" button on the top of the reply screen.

Ah, good call. I'm new to the wonderful wide world of RCing. Thanks for the tip

[Mara]

Small, I still have the one you emailed me, if that's the one you lost. I can send it to you, if you'd like.