[LefseRae]

I decided to put my writings in a thread. I know, I'm such a copycat. I don't know if any of these can be used in Only Play the Notes that Matter, but I'll see.

Winter
What is Winter?
A cool breeze
blowing in my face?
A date on the calendar?

What is Winter?
Snow softly drifting down
covering the ground
with a blanket
of glistening white?
Glittering icicles
hanging from
a willow branch?
The pungent
smell of wood smoke?

What is Winter?
A time for
school,
sledding, and
throwing snowballs.
The gentle tingling of a snowflake on my nose.
The cold trickle
of melting show
splashing on the ground.

Beautiful, glorious,
wonderful
Winter.

Mountain Rain
Rain falling as hail
Thunder crashing in the sky
Storm in the Blue Ridge

Contrast
rose

delicate, feminine

blooming, smiling, blushing

petal,     scent,     leaf,     needle

glowering, towering, bristling

prickly, masculine

pine

Summer Lovers
Sitting in the old swing,
Looking out across the pond,
Holding hands and talking.
Sipping frosty lemonade,
Dreaming of the future.

The emerald tones of leaves,
The vibrant hues of flowers,
The clear blue of sky
All seem brighter than before
Now that you are by my side.

And as we sit here in the swing
You look deep into my eyes.
You promised to love me until I die.
You love me more than anything.

As we sit in the ancient swing
The emerald glow of Summer's sun
Filtering through the leaves
Plays dancing shadows across your face.

The scent of honeysuckle tickles my nose
And dusk slowly falls.

Purple
Purple is cool. It is sometimes warm.
Purple is reading a story that makes you cry happy tears.
Purple is a princess. It is royalty.
Purple is a cozy, calm feeling.
It is the sunset above the lake.
It is the violet peeping out from under the leaves.
Purple is the amethyst flashing on her ring.
Purple is soothing, smoothing.
It is the colour 9. Can't you smell it?
It is the bottom band of a rainbow.
It is the heroine's eyes sparkling in the sun, glowing in the moon.
It is the special dress for your first date.
Purple is love.

[Ordinary Sarah]

These are great. My favorite is Summer Loves.

The emerald tones of leaves,
The vibrant hues of flowers,
The clear blue of sky
All seem brighter than before
Now that you are by my side.

I think this is, easily, the best stanza of the piece. The colors are visualized in the first three lines, and then you say they're brighter than before. Wow! Nice play on the senses.


However, you might want to change the "emerald" part that you used later on to talk about the sunset. Since you used "emerald" in this stanza, it seemed redundant later on, as did "sitting in the ancient swing", which was also used twice. For "emerald", I think it does wonders in this stanza, though it was interesting to think of a sunset being "emerald" colored. Either way, I'd pick one part to keep it in.


Overall, I like these because they're simple, almost juvenile, and yet sweet and touching, just on the edge of being profound. Good job. I think they'll be great in your project.

[LefseRae]

Originally Posted by SarahTheGuitarist

I think this is, easily, the best stanza of the piece. The colors are visualized in the first three lines, and then you say they're brighter than before. Wow! Nice play on the senses.

*wiggles* That's my favorites part too!

However, you might want to change the "emerald" part that you used later on to talk about the sunset. Since you used "emerald" in this stanza, it seemed redundant later on, as did "sitting in the ancient swing", which was also used twice. For "emerald", I think it does wonders in this stanza, though it was interesting to think of a sunset being "emerald" colored. Either way, I'd pick one part to keep it in.

Gotcha. Both points I had worried about. You simply confirmed my intuition!

Overall, I like these because they're simple, almost juvenile, and yet sweet and touching, just on the edge of being profound. Good job. I think they'll be great in your project.

Thanks! Although, I really don't think they fit. Especially since I'm s'posed to write NEW poems for this. Oh well. 'Nother collection, 'nother time.

I revised Summer Lovers a couple different ways. Here are the various drafts its been through since beginning. Personally, I like the 4th draft best. The 3rd stanza just seems very weak to me, more telling than showing, even in the revised version in Draft 5. Does it seem that way to anyone else?

1st Draft: Sitting in the old swing, Looking out across the pond, Holding hands and talking. Sipping frosty lemonade, Dreaming of the future. The emerald colours of the leaves, The vibrant hues of flowers, The clear blue of the sky All seem brighter than before Now that you are by my side. And as we sit here in the swing You look deep into my eyes. You promised to love me until I die. You love me more than anything. As we sit in the old swing The emerald glow of Summer's sun Filtering through the leaves Plays dancing shadows across your face. The scent of honeysuckle tickles my nose And dusk slowly falls.	2nd Draft: Sitting in the old swing, Looking out across the pond, Holding hands and talking. Sipping frosty lemonade, Dreaming of the future. The emerald tones of leaves, The vibrant hues of flowers, The clear blue of sky All seem brighter than before Now that you are by my side. And as we sit here in the swing You look deep into my eyes. You promised to love me until I die. You love me more than anything. As we sit in the ancient swing The emerald glow of Summer's sun Filtering through the leaves Plays dancing shadows across your face. The scent of honeysuckle tickles my nose And dusk slowly falls.
3rd Draft: Sitting in the old swing, Looking out across the pond, Holding hands and talking. Sipping frosty lemonade, Dreaming of the future. The emerald tones of leaves, The vibrant hues of flowers, The clear blue of sky All seem brighter than before Now that you are by my side. And as we sit here in the swing You look deep into my eyes. You promised to love me until I die. You love me more than anything. As we sit in the battered swing The chartreuse glow of Summer's sun Filtering through the leaves Plays dancing shadows across your face. The scent of honeysuckle tickles my nose And dusk slowly falls.	4th Draft: Sitting in the old swing, Looking out across the pond, Holding hands and talking. Sipping frosty lemonade, Dreaming of the future. The emerald tones of leaves, The vibrant hues of flowers, The clear blue of sky All seem brighter than before Now that you are by my side. As we sit in the battered swing The chartreuse glow of Summer's sun Filtering through the leaves Plays dancing shadows across your face. The scent of honeysuckle tickles my nose And dusk slowly falls.
5th Draft: Sitting in the old swing, Looking out across the pond, Holding hands and talking. Sipping frosty lemonade, Dreaming of the future. The emerald tones of leaves, The vibrant hues of flowers, The clear blue of sky All seem brighter than before Now that you are by my side. And as we sit here in the swing We talk of nothing, anything. And you look deep into my eyes. I love you more than life. As we sit in the battered swing The chartreuse glow of Summer's sun Filtering through the leaves Plays dancing shadows across your face. The scent of honeysuckle tickles my nose And dusk slowly falls.

I really don't like that 3rd Stanza!

[guitarczar]

Originally Posted by Godslilrosebud

Contrast
rose

delicate, feminine

blooming, smiling, blushing

petal,     scent,     leaf,     needle

glowering, towering, bristling

prickly, masculine

pine

Ooh...I really like this one. I don't if I'm a sucker for visual poetry (and I know some denounce it as a gimmick), but it really suits your poem. I love how you transition from the rose to the pine cone and assign sexes. In fact, the shape itself is somewhat ambiguous...you could see either rose/pine cone in it...and depending on what part of the poem you're reading, you'll see that certain shape! It's genius! My only nitpicking is that I think you should change "prickly" to "prickling". It fits with the parallel structure of the preceeding adjectives and I think it sounds better. Also, leave a space between the title "contrast" and the poem. A minor complaint, I know, but when your poem is playing up the visual aspect so much, it's important to take that into account. I think an extra space would give the eye space to breathe before the reader jumped into the poem. Anyway, good job! I love nature poems.

[LefseRae]

Originally Posted by guitarczar

Ooh...I really like this one. I don't if I'm a sucker for visual poetry (and I know some denounce it as a gimmick), but it really suits your poem. I love how you transition from the rose to the pine cone and assign sexes. In fact, the shape itself is somewhat ambiguous...you could see either rose/pine cone in it...and depending on what part of the poem you're reading, you'll see that certain shape! It's genius! My only nitpicking is that I think you should change "prickly" to "prickling". It fits with the parallel structure of the preceeding adjectives and I think it sounds better. Also, leave a space between the title "contrast" and the poem. A minor complaint, I know, but when your poem is playing up the visual aspect so much, it's important to take that into account. I think an extra space would give the eye space to breathe before the reader jumped into the poem. Anyway, good job! I love nature poems.

Oh my goodness, thanks! And I completely agree with the prickling and space. As for the shape, that was an accident, and I didn't see that until you pointed it out! I wrote it as a diamante for my poetry project, and I do think I'll include it. I need to find a suitable illustration.

Contrast

rose

delicate, feminine

blooming, smiling, blushing

petal,     scent,     leaf,     needle

glowering, towering, bristling

prickling, masculine

pine

[LefseRae]

I've been reading through the Freestyle thread, and I have some inspiration whirling in my head. I'll post that later.

I'd really appreciate any nominations for poetry of the month.

[Job 19:25-27]

I LOVE your contrast poem! That is SOOOOOOOOOO cool!
~Bear

[LefseRae]

Thanks!

[Job 19:25-27]

You're welcome!