i am ok...i am ok. (RC)

Opie · 07-24-2007, 02:28 PM

Truth.

I want you to know.
My thoughts are scattered. They were once so indiginous to my brain waves. I seem to have been picking up on something seemingly all together different than what I normally think and see and feel.

I want to charm you.
I want to open up worlds of incredible new perspectives by simply flicking my tongue. But I can't. I am a product of a formula. If a perfect painting is filled with millions of single brushstrokes then I am just a single perfect brushstroke of something greater.

I am in repair.
I am awakening to new pictures of a shattered life held together by two gentle hands. A glass encased portrait blazing and becoming sand, then softly sifting through the fingertips of magnificent hands that seem to be able to hold deserts.

I want you to notice that I am not ok.
But it's good. I want to be not ok and be ok with it. It's sublime, it's delightful and it's me. It's all I want to be.

I am afraid.
I am raw. I am real. I am the King and if you don't believe me, I'll tell you so. I am free. I am undiginified(but don't tell anyone else). I am in the wrong. I am upstaging you. I am the cool breeze on a hot day. I am the whisper of your name down your spine. I am thoughtful. I am perplexing. I am truth.

So great firestarter, light my way.

Opie · 07-28-2007, 12:22 AM

oh...RC or something

Ordinary Sarah · 07-28-2007, 06:10 PM

Fixed.

I don't have much to say except that I really like it. Good job.

**Skeeter** · 07-30-2007, 09:31 PM

I love it until the final stanza. I was enraptured, caught up in every word of this piece and the final stanza took me right out of it. In my opinion, this would be an excellent poem if it just ended with "So great firestarter, light my way." That's a perfect closer to this poem. The final stanza absolutely ruins it for me.

Ordinary Sarah · 07-30-2007, 09:54 PM

Didn't you have that last part in italics before? If you didn't... that might be a good way to fix that problem.

**Skeeter** · 07-30-2007, 10:02 PM

Doesn't make a difference. It's trite and adds nothing to the poem.

leenieweenie · 07-30-2007, 11:17 PM

I agree with Skeeter, I loved it until the last stanza. I just seemed out of place to me.

Ordinary Sarah · 07-30-2007, 11:50 PM

I guess I just like that part because I had been trying to think of a way to incorporate that into a poem myself. *shrug*

Opie · 07-31-2007, 11:07 AM

it was a holder almost...I wanted to write something with that in it...and I ended up writing a song that it fit very well in just 2 days ago...so I had actually planned on removing it. Thanks for the input! anyone else?

guitarczar · 08-02-2007, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opie

I am in repair.
I am awakening to new pictures of a shattered life held together by two gentle hands. A glass encased portrait blazing and becoming sand, then softly sifting through the fingertips of magnificent hands that seem to be able to hold deserts.

I like this stanza the most, especially the imagery, and especially the last line. May I ask, what are you trying to do with this writing? Do you want it to be more personal? Descriptive? Symbolic? That would help in my critique.

Opie · 08-02-2007, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitarczar

I like this stanza the most, especially the imagery, and especially the last line. May I ask, what are you trying to do with this writing? Do you want it to be more personal? Descriptive? Symbolic? That would help in my critique.

I just write and what comes out, comes out...It was just written to someone with no specific purpose...just to let them know something...then it became what it became...I don't want it to be anything more than what it is though...

Opie · 08-08-2007, 12:09 AM

bump

Jeffrey · 08-08-2007, 04:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opie

Truth.

For some reason, words like this by themselves bug me without some sort of visual differentiation to make it clear the poet isn't just relying on the connotations of the word and is aware of the risks but has intentional reasons for keeping the word by itself (unless this is the title, instead of the thread's title?). I would italicize and/or indent it, but that's just me.

Quote:

I want you to know.
My thoughts are scattered. They were once so indiginous to my brain waves. I seem to have been picking up on something seemingly all together different than what I normally think and see and feel.

"Indigenous" is the spelling. I don't know if that third sentence works with the second. Thoughts and brain waves are fairly close concepts in the average mind (ooh, a metatextual pun), and the sentence reads like a lengthy word chosen for its length not its meaning. Perhaps instead of "indigenous," you could use a word like "focused" or "harmonious" to describe their pre-scattered state artfully? The final sentence seems a bit flat - is there a more poetic way to render the words "seemingly all together different?" Perhaps something like "drawn from a different well" or "tuned to a different frequency?"

Quote:

I want to charm you.
I want to open up worlds of incredible new perspectives by simply flicking my tongue. But I can't. I am a product of a formula. If a perfect painting is filled with millions of single brushstrokes then I am just a single perfect brushstroke of something greater.

There's a dangerous sexiness to the first two lines that is lost fairly quickly. The idea of you being a product of a formula seems to be ignored by the next sentence, because there's little connection. Also, I for one don't consider a perfect painting one that requires millions of strokes. That's a logical leap your audience may never had made, so the image falls apart. However, the idea of comparing yourself to the contrast between a multi-toned canvas and a simple brushstroke is worth exploring.

Quote:

I am in repair.
I am awakening to new pictures of a shattered life held together by two gentle hands. A glass encased portrait blazing and becoming sand, then softly sifting through the fingertips of magnificent hands that seem to be able to hold deserts.

Nate can correct me, but I believe "glass-encased" is the correct form. Otherwise, this is a very solid stanza. Great imagery, glass being broken down into component parts by a guiding force (entropic means without a chaotic goal).

Quote:

I want you to notice that I am not ok.
But it's good. I want to be not ok and be ok with it. It's sublime, it's delightful and it's me. It's all I want to be.

This is an example of the scattered tone of this piece, which doesn't feel like it's trying to be scattered. The diction of stanzas jumps from varied to simplistic, and it feels awkward. Also, spelling it "okay" makes it seem a bit more...mature. I like the sentence "I want to be not [okay] and be [okay] with it," but I think it would have more impact if the sentences before it used a similar formal tone shared by previous stanzas. It allows the simple near-paradox to stand out as a moment of clarity, rather than part of a series of simplistic statements.

Quote:

I am afraid.
I am raw. I am real. I am the King and if you don't believe me, I'll tell you so. I am free. I am undiginified(but don't tell anyone else). I am in the wrong. I am upstaging you. I am the cool breeze on a hot day. I am the whisper of your name down your spine. I am thoughtful. I am perplexing. I am truth.

Who does this stanza refer to? God? Yourself? If the Lord, set it off in italics and/or indent it. Otherwise, it comes off as confusing. Or is it meant to be ironic? I must confess, I am very confused by this stanza.

Quote:

So great firestarter, light my way.

Without resolution to the first, I can't speak on this line.