[leenieweenie]

Alrighty, this is something I started working on. This is a very rough copy mind you, not anywhere near finished.


Verse 1:
I lie awake and wonder
Is it ever going to end?
The sickness and dying
The hurting and the crying
Who will go reach them?

Verse 2:
And then I realize
How much good I do
Getting up everyday
Sitting on my couch
Reaching for the newspaper

Chorus:
I need to fight
I need to reach out
I need to open up my eyes
Open up my heart and mind

Verse 3:
I stand here and wonder
How much good you'll do
Going to work everyday
Seeing him around
And just passing by

Chorus:
We need to fight
We need to reach out
We need to open up our eyes
Open up our hearts and minds

Verse 4:
We can't just sit here
And expect others to go
When there's so much we can do
People we can touch
Right here at home

Chorus:
We need to fight
We need to reach out
We need to open up our eyes
Open up our hearts and minds

Edit: If you could help me think of a title that would be great too!

[glorify_theLord]

Originally Posted by leenieweenie

Alrighty, this is something I started working on. This is a very rough copy mind you, not anywhere near finished.


Verse 1:
I lie awake and wonder
Is it ever going to end?
The sickness and dying
The hurting and the crying
Who will go reach them?

Verse 2:
And then I realize
How much good I do
Getting up everyday
Sitting on my couch
Reaching for the newspaper

Chorus:
I need to fight
I need to reach out
I need to open up my eyes
Open up my heart and mind

Verse 3:
I stand here and wonder
How much good you'll do
Going to work everyday
Seeing him around
And just passing by

Chorus:
We need to fight
We need to reach out
We need to open up our eyes
Open up our hearts and minds

Verse 4:
We can't just sit here
And expect others to go
When there's so much we can do
People we can touch
Right here at home

Chorus:
We need to fight
We need to reach out
We need to open up our eyes
Open up our hearts and minds

Edit: If you could help me think of a title that would be great too!

I love it. I applaud your work. God bless You! You've once again reminded us, worthless people, of our mission.

[leenieweenie]

Thank you very much! I really appreciate that.

Anyone else? (not trying to be pushy.)

[leenieweenie]

Well, I guess not. I would really appreciate some criticism though.

[rock_show_host]

I really like the message, but the lyrics themselves are very straightforward and generic sounding. Phrases like "I lie awake and wonder" and "open up my heart and mind" have been used a thousand times and just aren't as interesting or powerful. For the chorus especially, I feel the language and images need to be stronger. The first two lines (I need to fight / I need to reach out) are simple but work well as a punchy introduction to it, but the lines about opening eyes/heart/mind just sound weaker and cliched. A stronger, more original image would complete the chorus much better.

I know it's what everyone says around here, but showing is better than telling. Part of the reason the language sounds generic right now is that the song is just making general statements which in themselves are neither original nor creative. Especially in lines like "seeing him around/and just passing by" the line seems out of place because we don't know who a specific "him" is in the context of all the general statements. The one line that stood out to me was the one about reaching for the newspaper, because it's an instance where you opt for a specific image/example rather than a general pronouncement. Try to go for more of these examples; when the images are more specific, it's easier to avoid cliche and ambiguity.