[Small]

It's not polished, really, and it doesn't have my normal complex rhyme scheme, but here's something new for your teeth's enjoyment:
The moments of melodrama, by the way, are mostly satirical, and are meant to be taken as such.

Dust

verse 1:
Dust, and air that tosses it up, against the burning wall,
And the manic dance of the vivid flames all seem somehow dull,
What desperate agonies! What exquisite torture!
But you watch with watery eyes, never losing your composure,

Chorus:
Where and wherever, I find you,
I find I can’t figure you out,
Or whither and whether, you’re waiting,
With intentions of settling down

Verse 2:
This is a simple house and the palace in your fondest dream,
An imposter and a cloud-castle, the rock walls are made of steam,
Standing straight! Standing tall! Your back is weary,
Fondly held hopes burn, now dancing, now laughing, now disappearing,

Where and wherever, I find you,
I find I can’t figure you out,
Or whither and whether, you’re waiting,
With intentions of settling down

Bridge:
You came to the place where the bridge should’ve been,
Like most things, it was burned, and you were left learning to swim,
The sword twisting in your chest defeated your inkless pen,
Wordless sentiment scrawled on the heart you’d given to him,
Stab the burning pain into a map and follow its direction,
Out of the darkness of introversion and introspection,
Face the music, set your shoulders and draw yourself up,
Against the drum-roll pain,
Drain the last drops of a bitter cup.

Where and wherever, I find you,
I find I can’t figure you out,
Or whither and whether, you’re waiting,
With intentions of settling down

[Nate]

Originally Posted by Small

Dust, and air that tosses it up, against the burning wall,
And the manic dance of the vivid flames all seem somehow dull

That's brilliant. I love it.

The rest of it is alright.

[+SEAL+]

Originally Posted by Small

It's not polished, really, and it doesn't have my normal complex rhyme scheme, but here's something new for your teeth's enjoyment:
The moments of melodrama, by the way, are mostly satirical, and are meant to be taken as such.

Okey-dokey!

Dust

verse 1:
Dust, and air that tosses it up, against the burning wall,
And the manic dance of the vivid flames all seem somehow dull,
What desperate agonies! What exquisite torture!
But you watch with watery eyes, never losing your composure,

Nice imagery, cryptic enough to make me interested and keep listening. BTW, the second line, should either have "seems" or "dances".

Chorus:
Where and wherever, I find you,
I find I can’t figure you out,
Or whither and whether, you’re waiting,
With intentions of settling down

Good chorus, although "figure you out" has been used too many times for songs, IMO.

Verse 2:
This is a simple house and the palace in your fondest dream,
An imposter and a cloud-castle, the rock walls are made of steam,
Standing straight! Standing tall! Your back is weary,
Fondly held hopes burn, now dancing, now laughing, now disappearing,

Awesome, awesome. This pretty much brings it all together.

Bridge:
You came to the place where the bridge should’ve been,
Like most things, it was burned, and you were left learning to swim,
The sword twisting in your chest defeated your inkless pen,
Wordless sentiment scrawled on the heart you’d given to him,
Stab the burning pain into a map and follow its direction,
Out of the darkness of introversion and introspection,
Face the music, set your shoulders and draw yourself up,
Against the drum-roll pain,
Drain the last drops of a bitter cup.

Amazing stuff right here, Small. I love all the wordplay off of common phrases.

The closing of the song could use a bit of work, IMO, but then again...maybe that's just my personal style.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by +SEAL+

Okey-dokey!

Nice imagery, cryptic enough to make me interested and keep listening. BTW, the second line, should either have "seems" or "dances".

No, because the subject includes the "dust" and "air" from the previous line, in addition to the "manic dance of the vivid flames" from the second line. The "all" should have tipped you off to a compound subject.

[+SEAL+]

Ah, you're right. Good catch.

[monkeysmile]

I like it.

[Small]

Originally Posted by Nate

That's brilliant. I love it.

The rest of it is alright.

Hey, thanks!

That was, for the record, just the sort of kick-in-the-pants RC I need from time to time. I agree that those two lines are definitely the best in the song, as far as poetic sensibilities go, and am actually toying with revising the entire thing to more or less fit that standard.

Originally Posted by +SEAL+

Okey-dokey!

I knew I could count on you for an RC.

Nice imagery, cryptic enough to make me interested and keep listening. BTW, the second line, should either have "seems" or "dances".

Thank you! The BTW has been discussed.

Good chorus, although "figure you out" has been used too many times for songs, IMO.

Amen. I intend to change it, how does this sound:
Where and wherever I find you,
I find I can’t find you entirely out,
Or whither and whether you’re waiting,
With intentions of settling down

It's a bit of an archaic use of "find you out" and it's the third use of "find" but I think if I use it in a different sense each time, it works.

Your thoughts?

Awesome, awesome. This pretty much brings it all together.

Thanks!

Amazing stuff right here, Small. I love all the wordplay off of common phrases.

Thank you, again.

The closing of the song could use a bit of work, IMO, but then again...maybe that's just my personal style.

That part was one of the unrefined bits I mentioned at the start--I got impatient and kind of tacked it on.

Originally Posted by monkeysmile

I like it.

Thank you!

[+SEAL+]

Originally Posted by Small

Where and wherever I find you,
I find I can’t find you entirely you out,
Or whither and whether you’re waiting,
With intentions of settling down

I assume the second line should be "can't find you entirely out"...instead of having an extraneous "you". But it's much better now. Good job.

[Small]

Originally Posted by +SEAL+

I assume the second line should be "can't find you entirely out"...instead of having an extraneous "you". But it's much better now. Good job.

Yep--It was a typo.

Thanks! I may get around to editing the rest of this, but probably not until I get back from Virginia, at least.