[Tmurrin]

Hey i would really like some feedback im not very good but thats what the comments are for helping others so please haha

Verse 1
So i guess it all comes down to this
A goodbye a hug and your off
am i the only one nervous about summer
Please dont let us end up apart

Prechorus 1
Theres some ppl who say that theres no such thing as love
But you proved em wrong your all i could dream of
i cant get you out of my mind
I wish we were together all the time

Chorus
Heres to the time that we spent together
Heres to the girl ill remember forever
And heres to the day that ill see you again
I cant wait for summer to end

Verse 2
I dont believe distance could break us
No i dont believe that at all
Maybe i... was wrong
But i had to say how i felt all along

Prechorus 2
Theres some ppl who say that theres no such thing as love
but you proved em wrong your all i could dream of
you know ill be here for you whenever
You know that ill wait forever

Chorus
Heres to the time that we spent together
Heres to the girl ill remember forever
And heres to the day ill see you again
I cant wait for summer to end

Verse 3
theres nights i lay in bed thinkin of you
then i look at the stars hopin your looking to
I jsut wish that somehow
i could be there with you

Chorus
Heres to the time that we spent together
Heres to the girl ill remember forever
And heres to the day ill see you again
I cant wait for summer to end

outro
Theres some ppl who say that theres no such thing as love
but you proved em wrong your all i could dream of
you know ill be here for you whenever
You know that ill wait forever

[Tmurrin]

hey i would really like some input please

[+SEAL+]

Originally Posted by Tmurrin

Hey i would really like some feedback im not very good but thats what the comments are for helping others so please haha

Verse 1
So i guess it all comes down to this
A goodbye a hug and your off
am i the only one nervous about summer
Please dont let us end up apart

I'm imagining this as a pop-punk song (a la Hawk Nelson and Co.), so you really should rhyme lines. And really...it's a somewhat standard boy-girl song so far. Not too bad.

Prechorus 1
Theres some ppl who say that theres no such thing as love
But you proved em wrong your all i could dream of
i cant get you out of my mind
I wish we were together all the time

Please, please, please don't use "ppl" in lyrics. There's no real reason to abbreviate like that, and it just makes it look sloppy. Again, not bad, but it's still standard. Especially the last two lines. I did like the rhyming here, though.

Chorus
Heres to the time that we spent together
Heres to the girl ill remember forever
And heres to the day that ill see you again
I cant wait for summer to end

Hey, you know, I actually like this chorus. It is a bit refreshing and new, especially the last line.

Verse 2
I dont believe distance could break us
No i dont believe that at all
Maybe i... was wrong
But i had to say how i felt all along

Not bad, again, I'd like some rhyming here too. Maybe.

Prechorus 2
Theres some ppl who say that theres no such thing as love
but you proved em wrong your all i could dream of
you know ill be here for you whenever
You know that ill wait forever

Better than the first prechorus, I think.

Verse 3
theres nights i lay in bed thinkin of you
then i look at the stars hopin your looking to
I jsut wish that somehow
i could be there with you

Nice. I like this verse.

outro
Theres some ppl who say that theres no such thing as love
but you proved em wrong your all i could dream of
you know ill be here for you whenever
You know that ill wait forever

Not too bad.

Overall, it could use a lot of revitalizing in terms of new ideas. Metaphors really help a song. Carry through that metaphor of summer a little fewer. Try to draw parallels or something.

[Tmurrin]

okay thanks

[Dr. Knownothing]

Good start! Overall, it seems you took it in the right direction but the prechorus (first) and some of the verses could use some work. I would try to be more specific in certain areas of the verses, and don't be afraid to use "artsy" lyrics, be colorful, paint a picture.

IMO, the third verse is definitely the best. It really (as stated previously) painted a picture for me. The first verse almost does that, but not quite.

And, try to rhyme a little bit more. Rhymes aren't everything, I know that. But, in some areas it seems like you tried to, and then you didn't in others.

Overall, good song!

-dr

[Tmurrin]

anyone else i really could use help

[Gods*Armygirl]

Well I love it, lol. Try figuring out a way to rhyme the first verse.
Good job.