[xxSparkOfLifexx]

I need help (obviously). Here's the story (sorry that it's long, but please bear with me).

Our church is an international church and I've been joining this homegroup since september last year. Since all of their activities are done in a language other than english, I can't help but to stick with this one guy who translates everything for me. I see this guy 3 times a week (purely due to the fixed activities from this homegroup, nothing else).

One day he called me to help him with college work. I'm 2 years older than him, so I consider that as helping a junior. We went to my university because there are more resources there than where he studies at. We had agreed to have dinner together just in case it'd take longer than we expected. But the fact is... I finished helping him a lot faster before dinner time, so I told him that I wanted to go home and watched some movies. I also told him that he could stay in the computer lab if he wanted to (he still looked busy with the computer when I was ready to leave).

Later on in the evening, he called me and asked me what it was all about, leaving him alone there and not having dinner with him in trade for movies and I was like.. huh?! He knows how to go home by himself, he cooks better than I do, so what's with all the fuss? why make it such a big deal? Then he said that I should've known that he liked me and by leaving him alone there to go watch some movies kinda hurt him. How could he assume that I liked him in "that" way? I never said it. He said I must have known (or sensed it) because before he called me that day, he already asked two of the activists in the group about this and those two people told him that I knew that he liked me in "that" way. I didn't know though! but anyway I told him that I didn't have any special feeling towards him yet. I used the word "yet" because he's the first unmarried christian guy who pursues me, so I want to give him a chance. He said he'd wait though.

Since then he called me everyday and kept asking me when I could go out with him. It's not particularly fun being alone with him because he's so quiet and I always have to be the one who initiates the conversation. If I don't start talking, then there'll be no conversation at all. I'm not a natural conversation starter, fyi. Thinking about things to talk about tires me. When I'm tired, I just let the silence takes control, but then he'll ask me why I'm so quiet -_-". So I told him that I didn't want to go out with him neither see him outside those 3 days I've committed my time to. When he asked why, I told him that I didn't want to give him hope. He said he'd wait, but I advised him not to because I couldn't guarantee that I'd feel something about him in the future.

The next time we met, he's like a completely different person. He seriously avoided me. I know that he's basically a quiet person, but he still knows how to laugh.. even after the computer lab incident, we still laughed and talked like usual. Well, he did not after that last call! He didn't even say "hi" back when I said "hi" to him. It's very awkward, he makes me uneasy. Then I start to feel that it's my fault that I told him not to wait, which actually not my right to decide. My roommate told me something about hurting a guy's pride. Guys have pride, there's a limit to rejection and in this case I've rejected him twice.

What is this guys' pride she's talking about? Is it because at first I said the "yet" word and then I said "don't wait"? It hurts their pride. I really feel so bad about it now.

What should I do to get back to the normal sphere? Or is it impossible to get back to normal?

I don't like him "that" way, but I would like us to still be friends. I'm tired of losing friends because of this. In the other cases, I told them straight away not to wait and I lost them.

Guys... what do you prefer to hear? a straight "no" or "maybe there's a chance" (eventhough later it stays as a no) ?

[H.M. Murdock]

An absolute no. And please remember (and operate on the fact) that guys are like girls. We don't operate in a completely different way- it varies from person to person. Now, without further pomp:
1) It was pretty cruel to say "yet." So give him a straight no. If he pressures you, then tell him to back off, because (let's face it), you don't have feelings for him.
2) Tell him you just want to be friends.
3) There is no such thing as "this guy's pride." I think he had some expectations of you that were pretty unrealistic because of his feelings- which cloud your judgment like you wouldn't believe- and that can lead to undue (and imagined) offenses, such as "being ditched." Pride has very little to do with this. All people are prideful, so it's silly to say that you've hurt his pride due to some complex that guys "just seem to have."

Don't feel bad. Apologize for saying "yet," or giving him any way to grasp onto something that doesn't exist, and make it clear that you just want to be friends. From there, it's his choice. He isn't "in the wrong," so don't feel the need to vindicate yourself or let anyone else do that for you. It's just how people get sometimes.

[Vespertine]

To me this sounds absolutly ridiculous.

Personally I think that of course its better for a girl to tell a guy how she is feeling. Its much better to say "no", when at that moment you have no feelings for them but maybe a decent amount of time later there is a chance, then to say that there might be a chance where there really isnt. I think guys should just learn to take rejection and stop hurting the girls that say no to them just because they cant deal with it.

To look at the whole thing logically, for a relationship to work both the guy AND the girl have to be attracted to each other. If its just a one way thing and the other person only strains to make an effort out of pity or something then that person begins to try really hard to find parts about the other person that attract them, rather than just finding these aspects naturally.

I can totally understand you not wanting to keep loosing your guy friends when this happens but if the alternative is ending up in a relationship that you dont really want to be in then the answer is obvious. I think you have taken the whole thing sensibly and I encourage you to keep doing so and keep knowing how to say "no" to a guy who you dont want to go out with.

This is just my opinion, its probably a bit biased so just wait until you hear some more feedback but, I think the best advice you can be given is just to keep saying no.

[bowstaff981]

Yeah always just tell him "no" instead of "maybe" or "yet". Guys aren't any more complicated than girls are though, there's no "guy pride" complex, he was just put off because he felt teased is all.

[crazychu]

to be honest, guys are more likely to be a hopeless romnantic than girls. even though we love to have hope, an honest NO is the best long-term answer. Guys also tend to have hidden expectations for girls even though the girl may be completely oblivious to everything. kinda like how i was when i was started liking my girlfriend.

his attitude on how he reacted reminds me on how i was a couple years back too with my gf. communication is everything. make it clear to him, because sometimes to guys, if you dont say NO, they might see it as a yes, or maybe yes, you know what i mean?

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

I understand... so a straight "no" is better even though there's a chance that I might like him later. I was biased (he's the first unmarried christian guy who pursues me), so I'll apologize to him properly.

[bobthecockroach]

Originally Posted by xxSparkOfLifexx

Our church is an international church and I've been joining this homegroup since september last year. Since all of their activities are done in a language other than english, I can't help but to stick with this one guy who translates everything for me. I see this guy 3 times a week (purely due to the fixed activities from this homegroup, nothing else).

Alright, first of all, all the anti-dating people have a reason for saying to avoid this kind of pairing off: it tends to lead to this sort of situation.

One day he called me to help him with college work. I'm 2 years older than him, so I consider that as helping a junior. We went to my university because there are more resources there than where he studies at. We had agreed to have dinner together just in case it'd take longer than we expected. But the fact is... I finished helping him a lot faster before dinner time, so I told him that I wanted to go home and watched some movies. I also told him that he could stay in the computer lab if he wanted to (he still looked busy with the computer when I was ready to leave).

It's important here exactly HOW you agreed to have dinner. If you agreed to have dinner if it happened to go really late, then you're ok. If you agreed to have dinner because you thought it might go late, you probably should've stuck around.

Please try to see this from his point of view, and please try not to assume the worst. He likes you. He was going to get to spend time with you. Apparently from how the agreement was made, he had no reason to think you would not still come to dinner with him. Then, you tell him you're not going to have dinner with him. I would be disappointed too.

Later on in the evening, he called me and asked me what it was all about, leaving him alone there and not having dinner with him in trade for movies and I was like.. huh?! He knows how to go home by himself, he cooks better than I do, so what's with all the fuss? why make it such a big deal?

Honestly, it sounds like you're being purposefully naive here. Either that or you never did see it from his point of view and you need to do that now. Read what I said above.

Then he said that I should've known that he liked me and by leaving him alone there to go watch some movies kinda hurt him. How could he assume that I liked him in "that" way? I never said it. He said I must have known (or sensed it) because before he called me that day, he already asked two of the activists in the group about this and those two people told him that I knew that he liked me in "that" way. I didn't know though! but anyway I told him that I didn't have any special feeling towards him yet. I used the word "yet" because he's the first unmarried christian guy who pursues me, so I want to give him a chance. He said he'd wait though.

Alright, here's where you're right. There was no reason for him to assume you knew. You are also right in telling him that you don't return his feelings (but like others said, you probably should have stuck with a totally straight answer). However, again, consider his point of view. He's just finding out that a girl he likes doesn't like him back. That hurts.

Since then he called me everyday and kept asking me when I could go out with him. It's not particularly fun being alone with him because he's so quiet and I always have to be the one who initiates the conversation. If I don't start talking, then there'll be no conversation at all. I'm not a natural conversation starter, fyi. Thinking about things to talk about tires me. When I'm tired, I just let the silence takes control, but then he'll ask me why I'm so quiet -_-". So I told him that I didn't want to go out with him neither see him outside those 3 days I've committed my time to. When he asked why, I told him that I didn't want to give him hope. He said he'd wait, but I advised him not to because I couldn't guarantee that I'd feel something about him in the future.

Here's where I can see how he might have gotten upset. There's a difference between telling someone you just want to be friends and telling them you don't want to see them except for when you have to. The best response to the first time he asked you out would've been something like, "I don't want that kind of relationship. I just want to be friends."

He shouldn't have told you he'd wait. In a way, that seems sort of manipulative, so you were right in telling him not to. Alternatively, you could've not said anything at all.

The next time we met, he's like a completely different person. He seriously avoided me. I know that he's basically a quiet person, but he still knows how to laugh.. even after the computer lab incident, we still laughed and talked like usual. Well, he did not after that last call! He didn't even say "hi" back when I said "hi" to him. It's very awkward, he makes me uneasy. Then I start to feel that it's my fault that I told him not to wait, which actually not my right to decide.

I would venture to guess that the reason he's not talking to you is that he thinks you're uninterested in him even as a friend. After being told that someone didn't want to see me except when they had to, I would feel the same way. I can't guarantee this is the reason, but you should try to think about what effect your words might have had on him.

My roommate told me something about hurting a guy's pride. Guys have pride, there's a limit to rejection and in this case I've rejected him twice.

What is this guys' pride she's talking about? Is it because at first I said the "yet" word and then I said "don't wait"? It hurts their pride. I really feel so bad about it now.

Sounds like psychobabble. Just try to empathize (that is, be aware of what he is feeling).

What should I do to get back to the normal sphere? Or is it impossible to get back to normal?

It may or may not be possible. You need to go back and tell him that you're sorry for giving him a false impression (of going to dinner with him, that he should wait) and that you've always only wanted to be friends. Tell him you still want to be friends but not if you're going to be pressured to be more.

Guys... what do you prefer to hear? a straight "no" or "maybe there's a chance" (eventhough later it stays as a no) ?

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be honest regardless who you are talking to.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

I see a few flaws in your thinking here.

1) In most cultures, 2 years is seen as a negligible age difference. Especially since you are in college. I am married to a woman 2 years my Junior.
2) You lied to him by promising dinner and then ditching him. Having had that happen to me, its cruel to do.
3) Using yet is leading him on. Basically, you just told him that in the future you would be romantically attracted by your usage of the word yet. Also exceptionally cruel as it was dishonest.


Would you rather someone tell you the truth, or be left hanging? Really, its just that simple.

[mulletman]

I agree with the others in saying a straight no is a better answer. If you leave any room for hope, he will invariably do a great mental impersonation of Jim Carrey's "So you're telling me that there's a chance...." routine. It seems that perhaps you two were not on the same page as to the reason behind agreeing to go to dinner.

[headbanger13]

Complete honesty. Please. Saying you might want to have a relationship in the future and then turning around and telling him no, really hurts. It's happened to me, and it really sucks.