[stradigirlnhs]

I have to write a persuasive essay about a controversial topic for my English class, and I chose partial-birth abortion. Here's what I have so far.
If anyone would like to critique it or anything, it would be greatly appreciated.

"The topic of partial-birth abortion is one of the most controversial in America. Many people have only a vague idea of what partial-birth abortion really is. So what is it? Partial-birth abortion, also known as dilation and extraction, is defined as “an abortion in the second or third trimester of pregnancy in which the death of the fetus is induced after it has passed partway through the birth canal”. Basically, the fetus is born partway but is not given the chance to be fully born. Partial-birth abortion is the one of the most abominable procedures available to women today."

[Insane Drummer]

A few stylistic notes.

"The topic of partial-birth abortion is rapidly becoming one of the most controversial topics in America."

"The topic... is becoming on one the most controversial topics..." is a little redundant. Are you not also writing this because you think it is currently a controversial topic? Why "is becoming?" You seem to suggest that it is controversial, not that it is becoming controversial.

"However, many people who argue either for or against partial-birth abortion have only a vague idea of what it really is."

Beginging a sentence with "however" is rarely a good idea. I would either cut out that word or make this part of hte previous sentence. The first sentence doesn't really say much. Also, "people who argue either for or against partial-birth abortion" is a mouthful and really not very useful. Can't you assume that someone is either going to argue for or against something? Couldn't you just say "many people" and leave it at that?

"So what is partial-birth abortion?"

Personally, I am against the use of rhetorical questions in academic writing.

"Partial-birth abortion, also known as dilation and extraction, is defined as “an abortion in the second or third trimester of pregnancy in which the death of the fetus is induced after it has passed partway through the birth canal”."

Cite your source.

[stradigirlnhs]

I made some changes.
-Our teacher encourages us to use rhetorical strategies, and a rhetorical question is one of them.

-How would I cite my source?

[Insane Drummer]

"Our teacher encourages us to use rhetorical strategies, and a rhetorical question is one of them."

Alright, always go by what the teacher says.

"-How would I cite my source?"

Well, I would actually ask the teacher on that one, they might have a specific citation method they prefer. Or you could also use a simple in text citation (what I would do in an essay of this type). I would do something like this.


"is defined in title of your ciation as "

Put the title in italics or underline it. Your teacher might want you to use some sort of works cited page in you use citations.

[stradigirlnhs]

thanks, I'll ask my teacher tomorrow.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by stradigirlnhs

I made some changes.
-Our teacher encourages us to use rhetorical strategies, and a rhetorical question is one of them.

Except that's not really a rhetorical question, per se.

A rhetorical question generally has a purpose to it (a "strategic" purpose, as you alluded to, and as your teacher encourages).

A rhetorical question would be something like "What kind of a world would we be living in if we killed all the people that we found socially inconvenient?"

"So, what is it?" is just filler. It has no purpose. It doesn't cause anyone to think or bely any persuasive strategy. It just wastes space until you get to the definition.

[stradigirlnhs]

Oh. In that case I may just take it out.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by stradigirlnhs

Oh. In that case I may just take it out.

If you were going to be delivering this essay as a speech, it would be very appropriate, because people need filler when listening to someone speak so that they can digest what the person's already said. It also helps to have auditory prompts (such as "What is it?") to let the listener know what you're going to talk about. When they're reading it, however, they neither need the filler (because they can just stop reading if they need to do some mental digestion) or the prompt (because they can see what's coming, so they don't need to be told). The entire purpose of language is to guide someone to an understanding of whatever it is that you're trying to communicate. In speech, your little "rhetorical" question actually IS, in fact, rhetorical; in writing, however, it serves almost no purpose and doesn't help to clarify your communication.

[stradigirlnhs]

"little bundles of joy that are waiting to be discovered and loved."
Would this work as a metaphor for a fetus? I always get confused when trying to write metaphors...

[stradigirlnhs]

"Close your eyes and imagine holding a newborn for the first time. Her eyes are shining, looking up at you, her mother, with innocent adoration, her tiny fingers curled around yours, squeezing ever so gently. Then there is an aborted fetus, weeks away from having been born. His head is slick, crushed between the doctor’s forceps, his weapon, with shiny blood, his frail body scattered across a metal pan, looking ever so pitiful."


The most gruesome, vivid, touching part of my essay so far.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by stradigirlnhs

"little bundles of joy that are waiting to be discovered and loved."
Would this work as a metaphor for a fetus? I always get confused when trying to write metaphors...

It's more of a rhetorical technique (appeal to emotion, et al) than it is a metaphor, but it is effective, if not a tad overdone.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by stradigirlnhs

"Close your eyes and imagine holding a newborn for the first time. Her eyes are shining, looking up at you, her mother, with innocent adoration, her tiny fingers curled around yours, squeezing ever so gently. Then there is an aborted fetus, weeks away from having been born. His head is slick, crushed between the doctor’s forceps, his weapon, with shiny blood, his frail body scattered across a metal pan, looking ever so pitiful."


The most gruesome, vivid, touching part of my essay so far.

Gruesome, yes. There are just too many commas, and too many dangling participles as a result.

Did you ever learn sentence diagramming?

Just TRY to diagram "Her eyes are shining, looking up at you, her mother, with innocent adoration, her tiny fingers curled around yours, squeezing ever so gently." or "His head is slick, crushed between the doctor’s forceps, his weapon, with shiny blood, his frail body scattered across a metal pan, looking ever so pitiful."

Gruesome. Very gruesome.

[Nate]

This page may be of some assistance to you. It's written to be funny, but it's actually a very very good treatise on what not to do when trying to be persuasive. Definitely worth a read. I'd also suggest trudging around through www.figarospeech.com, but I can't give you a specific place to look because the site just has so much good stuff on it.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by Nate

I'd also suggest trudging around through www.figarospeech.com, but I can't give you a specific place to look because the site just has so much good stuff on it.

Here are some:

http://www.figarospeech.com/10-ways-to-use-figures/

http://www.figarospeech.com/terms/ (DENSE, but way useful)

http://www.figarospeech.com/pythonisms/ (if you're a Python fan)

[stradigirlnhs]

"Close your eyes and imagine holding a newborn for the first time. Her eyes are shining, looking up at you with innocent adoration, her tiny fingers curled around yours, squeezing ever so gently. Then imagine an aborted fetus, weeks away from having been born. His head is bloody, crushed underneath the doctor’s forceps, his frail body scattered across a metal pan, looking ever so pitiful."
Is this better?
(thanks for the links!)