[Nate]

Originally Posted by stradigirlnhs

"Close your eyes and imagine holding a newborn for the first time. Her eyes are shining, looking up at you with innocent adoration, her tiny fingers curled around yours, squeezing ever so gently. Then imagine an aborted fetus, weeks away from having been born. His head is bloody, crushed underneath the doctor’s forceps, his frail body scattered across a metal pan, looking ever so pitiful."
Is this better?

It has a lot going for it, but it still reads rather clumsily.

1) The his/her contrast intensifies the contrast between the newborn and the aborted fetus. Good.

2) The repetition of "ever so" reminds the reader of a connection between the fetus and a newborn. Good.

3) The step-by-step guidance through the scene that you want the reader to imagine is effective. Good.

What's not so good?

1) Your contrasts are getting a bit lost in so many words. You have the "shining eyes" contrasted with the "bloody head" and the "tiny fingers" contrasted with the "frail body," but we lose that with all the descriptions and interruptions in between (commas, in particular, are often to written speech what a quick side-note is to spoken word... they distract from the purpose at hand, and just make the reader / listener get lost... stay on track by not using them as often, even if that means leaving out some phrases).

2) Your attempts to connect the fetus and the newborn (and, thus, to make your reader view the fetus as "almost" a newborn, if it were just given a few more seconds to live) are likewise lost in an overabundance of adjectives and participles. We get lost in your step-by-step storytelling and begin to lose track of what it is you're trying to show us in the story. We're not paying attention to concepts, because you've hidden them behind so many words and awkward phrases that wwe have to stop and think about.

You have a natural gift for rhetorical and persuasive techniques, but those techniques are getting clouded in your writing by poor word choice (too many awkward phrases) and poor word order (too much awkward syntax). Don't try so hard to be eloquent, and you'll probably find that you end up sounding more eloquent than ever.

[stradigirlnhs]

Attached is the completed (maybe) rough draft of my essay, if anyone is interested in reading through it.
Well, it's attached if there's not anyone interested as well...

[stradigirlnhs]

*note* I have changed the last sentence in the 3rd paragraph to:
"The fact that the fetus has not completely left the birth canal should not mean that it is okay to exterminate that life when it hasn’t had a chance to fully begin."

[all4christ1104]

perusing the rough draft....

*don't make fun of my spelling, I spell fonetically...*

[stradigirlnhs]

oh yeah, any feedback is welcome!

[all4christ1104]

I think that it is very strong. You make your point, but you don't force people to go to your side. It has a strong persuasion in it. The syllogism in there is very good.

[stradigirlnhs]

Was that second sentence a positive thing?

You don't have any negative remarks about it?

[all4christ1104]

It was great

[stradigirlnhs]

Thanks for all the feedback, especially Nate. The person editing mine in class couldn't find anything wrong with it...
^___^