[Mattlock]

[untitled]

I set my watch to an atomic clock
So I'd be fashionably late
As I enter I spill my drink
And become everything you hate

My love, it's the same old me
Whatever's wrong I just don't see

The night is young, but cannot go on
The party just started and I'm headed home
You can drink yourself to sleep, you'll forget it tomorrow
Can you compensate for my time you borrowed?

I take all side-streets home
Since it's the longest route
I danced in circles just for you
Thought you'd never figure out

That love, it's the same old me
I just don't get whatever you see

The night is young, but cannot go on
The party just started, and I'm headed home
Lose yourself in liquor, you'll feel it tomorrow
Can you compensate for my time you borrowed?

So tonight when the wind blows your name
I thought of you, head down in shame
I'll ask you when you're off this high
Whose God is on your side?

---

Just wrote this last night. I need a different word for party... I think it sounds too cliche

Poetry and Prose (Fragments)

The poet stumbles towards the microphone
To recite uneasy verse to an eager crowd
He's been plotting out the death of politics

And they sing;
"Go ahead now, make my day
Terrify me with the words you say
Watered-down politics win party favors

The politic graces the microphone
To recite his pompous prose the crowd
He's been plotting out the death of art

---

I don't know if I'll keep this one or not. It's not too original.

Tip-Toe Time

Tip-Toe Time, half past nine
Don't go home right now, I'll keep you safe right now
The city's asleep, under lock and key
Don't go home right now, stay with me right now

Half asleep in a crowded room
How'd I fall into this dream?
I don't know how I'll forget this
But I know I won't forget you

Tip-toe time, under city lights
Don't go home right now, don't forget me now
The cemetary's closed, above the spirits float
Don't be frightened now, I'll hold you close right now

---

I have music for it, so the awkward syllables do work. There's not much I'm thinking of changing, I like it the way it is, but I'd still like feedback.

[Small]

Originally Posted by Mattlock

[untitled]

I set my watch to an atomic clock
So I'd be fashionably late
As I enter I spill my drink
And become everything you hate

Excellent. I love this first bit.

My love, it's the same old me
Whatever's wrong I just don't see

This is awkwardly phrased and could use some editing and refining.

The night is young, but cannot go on
The party just started and I'm headed home
You can drink yourself to sleep, you'll forget it tomorrow
Can you compensate for my time you borrowed?

The final two lines take away from the momentum of the first two. The fourth one especially feels gangly and awkward.

I take all side-streets home
Since it's the longest route
I danced in circles just for you
Thought you'd never figure out

Another excellent verse. It's nicely original.

That love, it's the same old me
I just don't get whatever you see

This is cliche and fairly weak. I don't know how you can get around it, really, but this part is being a weak link in the song, in my mind.

So tonight when the wind blows your name
I thought of you, head down in shame
I'll ask you when you're off this high
Whose God is on your side?

The last couple of lines seem to take the meaning of the song off in a different direction than it had been heading, which isn't necessarily bad, but it is kind of incongruent and startling.

Overall it's a great song that abides very well by the lyrical principles you mentioned in your blog for the new band.

Just wrote this last night. I need a different word for party... I think it sounds too cliche

That isn't actually the part of the chorus I have a problem with.

The poet stumbles towards the microphone
To recite uneasy verse to an eager crowd
He's been plotting out the death of politics

It's a good start, at the very least. Poetic (ironically) and to the point.

And they sing;
"Go ahead now, make my day
Terrify me with the words you say
Watered-down politics win party favors

I'm not feeling any good rhythm here, and "terrify me with the words you say" seems stilted and cliche.

The politic graces the microphone
To recite his pompous prose the crowd
He's been plotting out the death of art

A nice contrast with a few artful adjectives. Nicely done.

Tip-Toe Time, half past nine
Don't go home right now, I'll keep you safe right now
The city's asleep, under lock and key
Don't go home right now, stay with me right now

I don't mean to be nitpicky, but in what city in the world does half-past nine qualify as the time when the city is asleep?

There's also a lot of repetitious language.

Half asleep in a crowded room
How'd I fall into this dream?
I don't know how I'll forget this
But I know I won't forget you

It's not bad. It's not spiffing either. It's mundane.

Tip-toe time, under city lights
Don't go home right now, don't forget me now
The cemetary's closed, above the spirits float
Don't be frightened now, I'll hold you close right now

"Above the spirits float" makes me squirm because I really hate that phrasing style.

I have music for it, so the awkward syllables do work. There's not much I'm thinking of changing, I like it the way it is, but I'd still like feedback.

Eh. I might change a bit around to make it still fit with the music. None of it's bad, but I wouldn't call it your very best, either. The untitled song was impressive, and Poets and Politics wasn't far off. Tip-Toe Time is fun, but weak around the edges.

[Mattlock]

That isn't actually the part of the chorus I have a problem with.

Well I changed the part I didn't like. But I think I'm gonna keep the last two lines.

None of it's bad, but I wouldn't call it your very best, either.

I think you've said that about everything I've written. What do you consider my best? Personally, I think Tip-Toe Time is my best, because it works great with the melody, and it gives a good sense of imagery. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with Poetry and Prose, but I really like the idea, so I'll hopefully do something with it.

And I'm glad you liked the Untitled. I'm getting rid of the transfer between the verse and chorus, it fits better with the music I have.

Thanks for the feedback.

[sabertooth181]

I like the untitled. I am not a fan of the phrase "my love" though. It just creeps me out for some reason. I think of Hannibal looking across at Clarise in The Silence of the Lambs.

But, I doubt anyone else gets that picture so it isn't much of a problem.

[Mattlock]

Originally Posted by sabertooth181

I like the untitled. I am not a fan of the phrase "my love" though. It just creeps me out for some reason. I think of Hannibal looking across at Clarise in The Silence of the Lambs.

But, I doubt anyone else gets that picture so it isn't much of a problem.

Yeah, I've decided to take the axe to that part. I found a way around it.