How do I....

Gwenny · 03-30-2007, 09:34 AM

How do I convince my parents/grandparents/people who are concerned that it is completely normal for me to not be dating/married at the apparently very old age of 25. I am perfectly comfortable being single at this point in my life, but somehow other people think that there is something very wrong with me for not even trying to find a boyfriend. It has even gotten to the point where I've been accused of being a lesbian, because most of the guys I meet are not the types of guys I want to date, and because I "show no interest" in them whatsoever.

However, there have been guys I would date/have wanted to date, but the timing wasn't right. I know this, and am fine with being single. And even if I never get married, I would probably be alright with that too.

I'm just sick of constantly having to explain myself to people....

Nate · 03-30-2007, 09:43 AM

Quote:

How do I convince my parents/grandparents/people...

I am reminded of a quote from Albert Einstein, which says "You never really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother." Perhaps it is the case that you do not really understand why it is completely normal for you not to be dating at 25, which is why you cannot explain it to your grandmother.

Gwenny · 03-30-2007, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate

I am reminded of a quote from Albert Einstein, which says "You never really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother." Perhaps it is the case that you do not really understand why it is completely normal for you not to be dating at 25, which is why you cannot explain it to your grandmother.

Thanks for the serious response.

Nate · 03-30-2007, 09:51 AM

Well... it was semi-serious.

I think it could, potentially (though maybe not in your case), be part of the problem of a person not being able to convince someone else that it's normal for them not to be dating that that person themselves is not able to convince themselves that it's normal for them not to be dating. Again, maybe not in your case, but it's certainly a plausible explanation (and I wanted to use your sig quote!).

Gwenny · 03-30-2007, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate

Well... it was semi-serious.

I think it could, potentially (though maybe not in your case), be part of the problem of a person not being able to convince someone else that it's normal for them not to be dating that that person themselves is not able to convince themselves that it's normal for them not to be dating. Again, maybe not in your case, but it's certainly a plausible explanation (and I wanted to use your sig quote!).

Well actually it's not me trying to convince anybody of anything. I found out that since I'm away at school, when people ask my parents about me, they always start the conversation with "Well she's STILL not dating". My sister Jen recorded this on her cell phone once and showed me. And my grandparents do it in front of my face when they introduce me to people they know. "Oh this is our 25 year old granddaughter Gwen. She's not dating". Even though I've told my parents and grandparents that I'm okay with that, and it's not really a conversation piece. Because honestly who cares if I'm dating or not?

Nate · 03-30-2007, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvinjesus

Because honestly who cares if I'm dating or not?

Obviously your parents and grandparents do.

I can see how it would be ridiculously aggravating, Gwen, but I'm sure they have pure motives (the same can probably not be said of the people who think you're gay). Just assure your parents and grandparents that you are happy, because that's probably all they really want for you. As for your friends, just make some stupid joke about them back (c'mon... YOU can do this): "Yeah... well at least I'm not dating Mr. I-pick-my-nose-and-eat-it."

SecretAgentRat · 03-30-2007, 10:38 AM

I can understand the frustration to a point. My grandparents have this dilusioned idea that I'm a hermit of some kind and never meet any young men. Then when they find out that I am grand friends with many guys they shake their head and sigh, as if I'm going to be in that "just friends" phase for the rest of my life. Theyr'e always telling my mom how concerned they are about my love life. Ha.

I'm not sure there's much that can be done in the way of grandparents, because they grew up with such a different mindset--that of marrying young. But as for your parents, have you sat down and had a really serious talk with them, laying out how you feel about this or does it usually come up in a more casual context?

Jenacen · 03-30-2007, 12:17 PM

Refer your grandmother to the words of Paul (if she's a Christian). Paul said that while it's good to be married, it's also good to be single. Read 1 Corinthians 7. Much of the Bible is spent glorifying marriage, yes, but some people are just good with being single, whether for a short time or for their entire lives, and that is just as equal a gifting as marriage in God's eyes. In short, you've got God backing you up.

Pre-Ex-Girlfriend · 03-30-2007, 01:19 PM

Have you told your parents and/or grandparents that you don't like them introducing you that way? They may feel some innate need to complete the task of raising you by marrying you off. Maybe you just need to tell them that whether you get married or not, you are going to be just fine. A sort of "cutting of the apron strings" if you will. Or maybe that's not the issue at all. Who knows.

leiarose · 03-30-2007, 05:04 PM

I honestly think Nate's first post could be very applicable.

Other than that...it's just a common thing for people to want single friends/family attached to someone. Even if they're dating a jerk it gives them something to talk about.

Andrew · 03-30-2007, 08:05 PM

Also, to add:

Talk to them about it. Just be really honest and say: "CUT IT OUT!!!'

Only in more words.

tropicana · 03-30-2007, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvinjesus

Well actually it's not me trying to convince anybody of anything. I found out that since I'm away at school, when people ask my parents about me, they always start the conversation with "Well she's STILL not dating". My sister Jen recorded this on her cell phone once and showed me. And my grandparents do it in front of my face when they introduce me to people they know. "Oh this is our 25 year old granddaughter Gwen. She's not dating". Even though I've told my parents and grandparents that I'm okay with that, and it's not really a conversation piece. Because honestly who cares if I'm dating or not?

They obviously want grandbabies and great-grandbabies.

There are probably reasons why you want to remain single at this point in your life. You may not feel ready to be in a serious relationship; or you haven't found anyone you want to be with; or you're busy concentrating on your studies, which you consider to be more important than dating around trying to find "Mr. Right"; the Pauline reasoning; or what have you. You obviously don't want it to be a big deal. If you get uncomfortable in confrontational situations, you can make up notecards with your reasoning. And then tell your relatives that
a) You don't think not dating is such a big deal, and that being single is perfectly acceptable to you at the moment.
b) You'd appreciate it if they didn't introduce you as "Gwen, the girl who's not dating anyone".
That should help.

gg7 · 03-30-2007, 09:37 PM

Hey Gwen. That stinks.
I can relate to some of that, unfortunately.

I agree with those saying that you should sit down and really have an honest, in depth talk with them. I'm not sure if you've done that or not. I get that you tell them that you're okay with being single. Do you also tell them how what they're saying and how they're acting makes you feel?? I know it frustrates you, and perhaps hurts a little too. They need to know that and maybe they'll be more sensitive about it, and finally get it in their heads that you are just fine now and will be in the future. They need to respect your choices.

**redbaron** · 04-02-2007, 01:13 AM

I know what you mean, although my parents don't give me too much of a hard time since I told them to cut it out. It's "weird" to be 24 and single these days. Especially since i'm attending a calvary chapel, and it seems like the normal age for marraiges there is <22

Gwenny · 04-04-2007, 11:34 PM

First off thanks for the reply's.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate

Obviously your parents and grandparents do.

I can see how it would be ridiculously aggravating, Gwen, but I'm sure they have pure motives (the same can probably not be said of the people who think you're gay). Just assure your parents and grandparents that you are happy, because that's probably all they really want for you. As for your friends, just make some stupid joke about them back (c'mon... YOU can do this): "Yeah... well at least I'm not dating Mr. I-pick-my-nose-and-eat-it."

Was that a dig at me Nate?

I know my grandparents repeatedly tell me that it so odd that I am not even "dating", or playing the field. They are not Christians and they don't understand the need to remain sexually pure until marriage. So they are on me about that as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SecretAgentRat

I can understand the frustration to a point. My grandparents have this dilusioned idea that I'm a hermit of some kind and never meet any young men. Then when they find out that I am grand friends with many guys they shake their head and sigh, as if I'm going to be in that "just friends" phase for the rest of my life. Theyr'e always telling my mom how concerned they are about my love life. Ha.

I'm not sure there's much that can be done in the way of grandparents, because they grew up with such a different mindset--that of marrying young. But as for your parents, have you sat down and had a really serious talk with them, laying out how you feel about this or does it usually come up in a more casual context?

My parents are so concerned because I have only made a few guy friends here at school, and two of the five are gay. So my parents are worried that their lifestyle will "rub off on me", because I'm opening my heart to that kind of lifestyle.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenacen

Refer your grandmother to the words of Paul (if she's a Christian). Paul said that while it's good to be married, it's also good to be single. Read 1 Corinthians 7. Much of the Bible is spent glorifying marriage, yes, but some people are just good with being single, whether for a short time or for their entire lives, and that is just as equal a gifting as marriage in God's eyes. In short, you've got God backing you up.

I could if they would actually read the bible rather than laughing at us for using a crutch to make it through life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emo_Rachael

Have you told your parents and/or grandparents that you don't like them introducing you that way? They may feel some innate need to complete the task of raising you by marrying you off. Maybe you just need to tell them that whether you get married or not, you are going to be just fine. A sort of "cutting of the apron strings" if you will. Or maybe that's not the issue at all. Who knows.

I talked to my parents this weekend, and they finally understood where I was coming from when I told them I did not appreciate them inserting, "Gwen the one who's not dating anyone" into the conversation. I asked them why they had to insert that into the mix, and they replied, "because you aren't dating anyone, it's the truth". Then I asked why they never introduced my other sistes who range in age from 18-27, and are all unmarried and single that way. They agreed to not introduce me that way any longer. I doubt I will get that lucky with the rest of my family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by leiarose

I honestly think Nate's first post could be very applicable.

Other than that...it's just a common thing for people to want single friends/family attached to someone. Even if they're dating a jerk it gives them something to talk about.

It's hard to explain to your grandmother why you want to remain single, and why you don't want to be out "sowing wild oats", especially when they believe any religion is a crutch for weak minded people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew

Also, to add:

Talk to them about it. Just be really honest and say: "CUT IT OUT!!!'

Only in more words.

Good advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tropicana

They obviously want grandbabies and great-grandbabies.

There are probably reasons why you want to remain single at this point in your life. You may not feel ready to be in a serious relationship; or you haven't found anyone you want to be with; or you're busy concentrating on your studies, which you consider to be more important than dating around trying to find "Mr. Right"; the Pauline reasoning; or what have you. You obviously don't want it to be a big deal. If you get uncomfortable in confrontational situations, you can make up notecards with your reasoning. And then tell your relatives that
a) You don't think not dating is such a big deal, and that being single is perfectly acceptable to you at the moment.
b) You'd appreciate it if they didn't introduce you as "Gwen, the girl who's not dating anyone".
That should help.

Thanks, I used your advice actually.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gg7

Hey Gwen. That stinks.
I can relate to some of that, unfortunately.

I agree with those saying that you should sit down and really have an honest, in depth talk with them. I'm not sure if you've done that or not. I get that you tell them that you're okay with being single. Do you also tell them how what they're saying and how they're acting makes you feel?? I know it frustrates you, and perhaps hurts a little too. They need to know that and maybe they'll be more sensitive about it, and finally get it in their heads that you are just fine now and will be in the future. They need to respect your choices.

They finally got it after I asked my mom if she liked if I introduced her as "My mom, the lady who just got fired." I told her it's true, so why I can't I insert that in there. And she understood the need for discretion sometimes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redbaron

I know what you mean, although my parents don't give me too much of a hard time since I told them to cut it out. It's "weird" to be 24 and single these days. Especially since i'm attending a calvary chapel, and it seems like the normal age for marraiges there is <22

It's getting harder because it seems like the average age to get married now is getting younger and younger, and being 25 I'm obscenely old and becoming an old maid, according to my grandparents and their elderly friends...