Money in marriage

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 03-09-2007, 03:39 AM

Okay, this isn't really an advice thread of any kind, but kind of stems from a conversation my wife and I had today.

a few months ago, before my wife started working, money was tight. My wife is the sort of person who panics when money gets scarce, and I handle the money. I am good at financial matters and working things out and budgeting...

Well it was real short, but we had just barely enough. I didn't tell my wife how dire the situation was. (I was actually at the point of eating Ramen and occasionally skipping meals to cut costs) however, I knew we had just enough to make it, sometimes cutting balances to within $10 of the red.

Now the question I make is, would you really want to know? My wife told me she didn't, but today was rather appalled when she asked about it in retrospect. She said she felt bad that I took the brunt all alone. I don't really mind that, but what are your thoughts. my wife HATES dealing with money, investments, figures, etc. whereas I do not mind.

How do you as a couple handle it? I am pretty sure my early dealings were not that great, but we managed, without putting undue stress on her right at the time of her finals. We also talk a bit more about it.

But I want to hear how you do it.

FYI, my wife has all the info to access our financial accounts, she just will not unless it is absolutely necessary.

cytorath · 03-09-2007, 04:42 AM

I was in the same situation for about two years. I had gotten a job working the state and it was only part time. The hours were such that it was near impossible to work another job, but the pay was good enought that we were able to just scrape by for a while. My wife stayed at home with our toddle (at the time) and was pregnant with our second.

when we got married she gave me all her money and told me she didn't want anything to do with it. (much stress on my shoulders)

Sometimes we only had ten cents in our checking account. Literally. Although she wouldn't handle any of it, I was able to talk to her about it and get input from her, but in the end it was always up to me how to handle the finances.

After nearly four years of marriage now, I have finally talked her in to at least learning our financing software and my process of bill payments. Though she still wants nothing to do with it, I have helped her learn how to keep track of her money a little better.

nate95366 · 03-09-2007, 12:10 PM

My wife handles the finances in our household, and I have all the necessary information to go in and do it if necessary. When we decided who was going to do the financial things, it was a matter of my standards being unacceptable to her - that is, when I balance a checkbook, I don't feel that it is necessary to be exactly balanced, especially if it means searching the books for hours to come up with 3 bucks. I think the errors will wash out as "noise" in the long run. Anyway, she didn't really like my methodology - her standard is higher, so she keeps the books.

As far as do we both know what kind of condition we're in? She tells me when I ask, and I ask every now and again (especially when we're thinking of major purchases).

Nate

ibanez_dude · 03-09-2007, 12:57 PM

My parents are both involved in keeping an eye on money and balancing the checkbook.

***Art*** · 03-09-2007, 01:48 PM

At this point, I am handling the finances alone, by default. Since I am the sole-earner and the sole-spender, it is just how it works out. We have taken our sweet time in getting our marriage certificate, and we are waiting until we have Rachel's official name change before we start a joint account and before she gets added to my existing accounts. So right now, we have separate accounts.

I am not sure how things will change in the future. I always want to know where we stand, and I will always have my hand in the finances. I am fairly sure that when we are more settled into a joint account, etc, we will work together on the finances.

Elizabeth · 03-09-2007, 05:25 PM

I don't like handling money at all, and I sincerely hope my husband is willing to handle the finances. That said, if we're going through a rough time, I'd like to know so that I don't feel like he's shouldering the stress of it alone, and so I could try to cut costs as well.

exo · 03-09-2007, 05:31 PM

I'm not sure exactly what you are asking for here, Bill. Are you asking for what types of things do you keep from your spouse to not stress them out (and is that OK, etc.)? Or is it just how are the finances handled in general?

**MtlMom** · 03-09-2007, 05:49 PM

I earn the money, he manages it. I have access to all the information and I know how to manage finances - but I don't want to. There were times when I was in college when we were both working and things were pretty tight and he didn't tell me just how close we were cutting it. I wish that he would have at least said "Things are tight this month". These are burdens that people need to share.

Mara's Mom · 03-09-2007, 07:32 PM

I understand your line of thinking while she was studying/taking finals. And I think that can be a doable momentary solution.

I would suggest that she now be involved at least enough that she has opportunity to get over the 'stress' of finances. These are things that every person needs to learn and what better time than when you aren't in a tough financial spot.

You also don't want to remove the opportunity for her to support you in those times that you may have to shoulder the burden. It really is a yucky feeling to realize the severity of a situation after the fact. And as much as you want to love and serve your wife, you are only human. Better to avoid any potential frustration of feeling like you're handling it alone. After all, two are better than one... *smile*

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 03-09-2007, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by exo

I'm not sure exactly what you are asking for here, Bill. Are you asking for what types of things do you keep from your spouse to not stress them out (and is that OK, etc.)? Or is it just how are the finances handled in general?

Both really. Trying to feel out what other couples think about such things.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 03-09-2007, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MtlMom

I earn the money, he manages it. I have access to all the information and I know how to manage finances - but I don't want to. There were times when I was in college when we were both working and things were pretty tight and he didn't tell me just how close we were cutting it. I wish that he would have at least said "Things are tight this month". These are burdens that people need to share.

I let her know that much. I just was cutting things too close at that point in time. I didn't tell her, "we have exactly $6.03 in the checking account right now and I will need to work an hr of overtime to make rent." But, more of a "things are really tight this month honey".

And I am trying to give her updates a couple of times a week now to acclimate her to it. I know with her preferences it just gets taken care of and we discuss major purchases. (That is how her parents do) However, I would like her to be able to take the reigns if anything should happen. However, this feels weird to me.

**MtlMom** · 03-09-2007, 09:02 PM

Let me tell you about my friend Carrie. She is an RN, and a very smart person. She was married to Dr. B for 25 years, and he took excellent care of her. He was a wonderful husband who did everything for his wife because he loved her so much. She didn't want to know anything about the finances, and he chose not to burden her with that kind of thing. When he died unexpectedly, she didn't even know how to put gas in her car. She didn't know where their insurance papers were, whether they owned their cars, etc, etc. The last five years have been very painful for her. Not only did she lose her beloved, she also had to learn to be an independent adult. Fortunately she has a lot of friends and family who were willing to help her learn these things. I know what advice she would give you: don't love your wife so much that you paralyze her.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 03-09-2007, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MtlMom

Let me tell you about my friend Carrie. She is an RN, and a very smart person. She was married to Dr. B for 25 years, and he took excellent care of her. He was a wonderful husband who did everything for his wife because he loved her so much. She didn't want to know anything about the finances, and he chose not to burden her with that kind of thing. When he died unexpectedly, she didn't even know how to put gas in her car. She didn't know where their insurance papers were, whether they owned their cars, etc, etc. The last five years have been very painful for her. Not only did she lose her beloved, she also had to learn to be an independent adult. Fortunately she has a lot of friends and family who were willing to help her learn these things. I know what advice she would give you: don't love your wife so much that you paralyze her.

I know, I have contingencies and a file on her with protocol for paying all bills, etc, and I have gone over the filing systems and such with her and I am trying to keep her up to speed on what is going on. She just naturally panics at a finite ammount of money. She also is not great at setting budgets.

So, if I have it set up where the insurance stuff and all financial records are labled, all account infos and bills have a protocol sheet for in case of emergency... Is there anything else really?

Symbiotic · 03-09-2007, 09:21 PM

so, i'll add my own story....

About a month ago my truck broke down...i needed a transmission rebuild....i tried to remove the tranny myself to save money, but ended giving up due to bolts being on too tight for be to do with the tools i have available.....i did however get enough done that i was not charged for removal, only installation and rebuilt.....total damage to the banks account $1860....we had to borrow $1000 from nadine's brother....this is where it gets "fun".....we need to pay her brother back(we told him 2 months), i have a large-ish Visa bill to pay, we have a high insurance bill this month, i will need to have my summer tires put back on soon, my truck needs a new windshield, i need to change the oil in the car(i do it myself, but i use full synthetic), i have a concert to go to next week(that'll cost me some more money)...don't forget rent(and that's high in this city)....last weekend we went out with some of nadine's co-workers and spent $100.....yesterday nadine went to the mall and spent another $100...now she wants to go out again with her coworkers tomorrow....here's the kicker....i was going out for wings and beer with old classmates from college nearly every week for quite some time....in the last 4.5 months, i may have gone 4 times....i have stopped going to save money need elsewhere....we need to start looking for a new apartment, so we are going to need money for a damage deposit.....all these things that are needs and she wants to go out with some friends....i have even been called by friends to go out, and said no because we need to save money...i sacrifice, and she thinks she can spend more???....

i went out for a long drive to cool off after she said some things this evening.....when i came back, she had written up a "budget"....hahahahaha...that's what i think....according to it, in the next month we only need $140 for gas for.....my truck alone is about $60/week....the car is probably $30/week....and she thinks we can manage with only $300 for groceries....fine, if all we eat is Mr. Noodles....i know this is only over what is probably about another $100, but right now is possibly the worst time to spend it unnecessarily....

i'm sorry if this is more of a rant than a story, but i saw the thread and new God put it here right now for me....this is...i dunno.....

**MtlMom** · 03-09-2007, 10:17 PM

It actually runs much deeper than just protecting her in case you aren't around. Carrie has said that she now feels that she cheated herself out of living a fully adult life for many years because she was so dependent. She accepts complete responsibility for this, and says that she took what she thought was the easy road - but she now feels that she didn't really grow up until her husband died. Marriage is a partnership. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you managing the finances, but I would really encourage you and her to have both very involved in the decision making regarding investments, etc. If not, she may very well feel that she has cheated herself somewhere down the line.

Here's the part of Proverbs 31 that people often forget about:

16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

That Proverbs 31 woman is a savvy business woman. I like her. *wink*