[SccHarpGirl]

I am not married, but I have seen so many married couples in my life struggle with this. I don't know either you nor your wife, though from this thread I do see fault on both sides.

Please for the sake of your marriage attend some kind of Christian marriage counseling, or at least sit down and talk out your problems with an older married couple who has been where you are now and knows how to advise you.

I know money is very tight for you guys, but I do think that the best idea is some sort of "free money" spending money--for each of you. Then you can spend this how you so desire and when it's gone, it's gone. If Nadine chooses to spend it on WoW or whitening strips, etc, then that's her business.

Compromise is golden, too...take the whitening strips example--instead of saying a blanket no, maybe you could have proposed some alternatives...whitening toothpaste, etc? I think this is where conseling can help.

I will pray for both of you.

[Symbiotic]

well, i'm back...

you know, we were doing really well for a while there...in order to solve this whole spending issues, we agreed on a spending limit each month...on the first day of each month we each get $100 cash to last us until the next 1st...so far, this has been working out fine....we're saving money and (i hoped) learning how to spend responsibly...it's been made clear that this $100 is for anything "random"....fast food/meals out, music, games, etc...no other money would be spent on these things....necessities are, of course, not in this list...

my wife recently got a approval for her first credit card...the first bill came, and we paid it and i filed it away(but not before noticing a charge that should have been paid for with her cash $$...i didn't think much of it, "maybe it's just a one time thing to balance out my CGR paid membership"(which i was given permission to use paypal for) and let the thought go)...however, the second bill that came, my wife paid it, and promptly filled it herself without discussing it with me....out of want of knowledge of where our money is going, i asked what was on it...she replied with Contacts(ok), groceries(ok), and a couple of other small things...so, naturally i ask what sort of small things....

her:"nothing, just a couple of small things" me:"what kind of things"(i simply wanted to know) her(very agitated):"Nothing! Never Mind"

here's the thing, i'm not stupid....i can tell when someone's hiding something by their reaction(this, plus that unconsulted charge on the first bill)....so when my wife left the appt, i went and took a look at the bill(maybe this was wrong of me to sneak around, but i didn't want to cause conflict by forcing her to show me)...on the bill i found an identical charge as the first bill(for an online video game) which leads me to believe this is going to be a recurring charge, as well as two times out for lunch or breakfast or something in which the charge is too large for just her...which means we are footing the bill for others as well

what is bothering me is that she is now sneaking charges onto this bill that she should be paying out of her allowance money, and then deliberately avoiding my questions....why does she feel she is entitled to spend more money than we have agreed on?...i guess this explains her having money left this month(which is not normal, especially having spent $60 on the first day)...i thought she was learning to control spending(as we both were)

my problem is whether is should confront her with this now, or wait(i was thinking of waiting until the next bill)....but now i just feel like i can't trust her with this thing having developed....

i'm shocked, hurt, and furious all at the same time over all of this....

help?

[Nate]

I think perhaps you're overreacting.

The online gaming she obviously can't spend cash on. If it qualifies as the "random" stuff, she should probably just take only $80 out in cash each month if she decides she wants to continue to pay for that. Y'all need to discuss that.

The two breakfasts don't seem to be that big of a deal either. Generosity is not a bad thing. Don't be mad that you're "footing the bill for others." Your wife probably enjoys getting together with her friends over breakfast or lunch.

Perhaps your wife finds cash inconvenient. Perhaps she views treating her friends from time to time as a "necessity" rather than a "random" thing (related: is her eating out a necessity of her job? have you budgeted enough for this?).

If she had money left over at the end of the month, then that just means that she used the card when she should have used cash and didn't over-spend as much as it seems (since whatever cash she had should have been used).

Don't get mad about the wrong things. Sit down and talk with your wife. None of us here are going to be able to solve your problems. It doesn't sound like your wife is being as ridiculously irresponsible as you seem to think. Take it easy.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

well, i'm back...

you know, we were doing really well for a while there...in order to solve this whole spending issues, we agreed on a spending limit each month...on the first day of each month we each get $100 cash to last us until the next 1st...so far, this has been working out fine....we're saving money and (i hoped) learning how to spend responsibly...it's been made clear that this $100 is for anything "random"....fast food/meals out, music, games, etc...no other money would be spent on these things....necessities are, of course, not in this list...

my wife recently got a approval for her first credit card...the first bill came, and we paid it and i filed it away(but not before noticing a charge that should have been paid for with her cash $$...i didn't think much of it, "maybe it's just a one time thing to balance out my CGR paid membership"(which i was given permission to use paypal for) and let the thought go)...however, the second bill that came, my wife paid it, and promptly filled it herself without discussing it with me....out of want of knowledge of where our money is going, i asked what was on it...she replied with Contacts(ok), groceries(ok), and a couple of other small things...so, naturally i ask what sort of small things....

her:"nothing, just a couple of small things" me:"what kind of things"(i simply wanted to know) her(very agitated):"Nothing! Never Mind"

here's the thing, i'm not stupid....i can tell when someone's hiding something by their reaction(this, plus that unconsulted charge on the first bill)....so when my wife left the appt, i went and took a look at the bill(maybe this was wrong of me to sneak around, but i didn't want to cause conflict by forcing her to show me)...on the bill i found an identical charge as the first bill(for an online video game) which leads me to believe this is going to be a recurring charge, as well as two times out for lunch or breakfast or something in which the charge is too large for just her...which means we are footing the bill for others as well

what is bothering me is that she is now sneaking charges onto this bill that she should be paying out of her allowance money, and then deliberately avoiding my questions....why does she feel she is entitled to spend more money than we have agreed on?...i guess this explains her having money left this month(which is not normal, especially having spent $60 on the first day)...i thought she was learning to control spending(as we both were)

my problem is whether is should confront her with this now, or wait(i was thinking of waiting until the next bill)....but now i just feel like i can't trust her with this thing having developed....

i'm shocked, hurt, and furious all at the same time over all of this....

help?

I think you two need to learn to talk to each other about such things. I mean seriously, when you have to hide from your spouse what you are doing it opens doors that should not be opened. My parents ended up hating each other and 200k in debt over that. Quite frankly, it was a large reason why my childhood was short and brutal.

You guys need to probably get a joint card with joint access. Preferably online access. You probably need to go over the bills together, and whatever you do, don't over-react if its a little bit over her "allowance." Its just money. You can always make another buck. You can't always repair broken trust in a relationship.

It seriously sounds like there is a trust issue with you two in your marriage that NEEDS to get worked out. However, I want to focus on you, because you are here. Show her love, meekness and gentleness. Don't accuse. You do not want to validate any reasons for mistrust. But talk to her about it. Make sure she is more important to you than the money in your words and actions, because a good marriage is worth more than cash.

[Symbiotic]

i understand the marriage before money....just wanted a little bit of guidance...thanks guys...

btw, we do have a joint account with internet access....that is probably why these things were put on credit....

i understand hiding what you are doing is not good...we both have done it now(unfortunately because i got suspicious), for which i'm not all too proud of...

i don't think it's so much a trust thing as a "mine" thing....my wife can not comprehend the idea that everything we have is OURS....not mine or hers....she still thinks of everything as hers or mine...the cars is the biggest thing....i'm trying to help her understand that everything is an OURS or US now....

[thesteve]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

btw, we do have a joint account with internet access....that is probably why these things were put on credit....

I think he was saying that you guys need transparency on all facets of your finances, not just the bank account.

[bbrunskill]

My wife and I still (after nearly 3yrs) haven't gotten around to setting up proper banking arrangements. We still have our old bank accounts.

I work fulltime and pay the majority of the bills. I have our rent, power and charity giving setup on direct debit, so as soon as I get paid it goes out again.

My wife works part time and she buys the food & gas most of the time.
We also have phone and internet bills, but as they vary in cost we just pay them manually.

If we want to go out, or need some extra money to pay for something, we just talk about it and see who can afford it. We both can access each others online account, so there's no hiding spending.

I find this works well. We kind of take responibilty for different areas of finances, and only very rarely disagree about it.
When we know we have big bill coming up, we talk about it and both try to save as much as posible. Right now we are both saving for her new glasses. Last couple of months I saved all I could and booked us a weekend away for her 25th birthday.

I also have a 'safety net', a Visa card with a limit of only $500, for real emergencies.

[mulletman]

OLD THREADS ARE FUN.