[snizzle]

I didn't want to come here and preach but this thought just hit me. Why are you telling us this? Even if you convince us that your wife is everything that you say she is, what does that gain? We're a couple of people out in cyberspace. She is your wife. Talk to her. Reason it out with her. If it doesn't work..talk to her some more. Telling other people about your problems will never fix them.
-shane

[danalyn]

I like Snizzle's word there "talk".
This is somewhat chasing a rabbit trail and correct me if I'm wrong here but I'm not sure how much can/would be solved by carrying on a discussion when either of you is yelling or crying. If you need to take a break and come back later, do that.

[meatfinger]

Originally Posted by snizzle

I didn't want to come here and preach but this thought just hit me. Why are you telling us this? Even if you convince us that your wife is everything that you say she is, what does that gain? We're a couple of people out in cyberspace. She is your wife. Talk to her. Reason it out with her. If it doesn't work..talk to her some more. Telling other people about your problems will never fix them.
-shane

x2. Coming one here complaining is doing nothing but making you seem like a jerk (not saying that you ARE a jerk, just that you're coming off as one). It's not solving your problems. Communication (and hopefully financial counseling) are what's going to solve your problem.

[Symbiotic]

well, i'm not here to complain about my problems....i'm here for advice....now, if i write things while i'm still upset, it will reflect that, but i'm here for advice.....not to be told who is to blame....in fact, let me be honest....it upsets me that nearly everyone here is saying that i am a bad person and it's all my fault....that's not what i came here for....am i perfect??...hell no....but to say that i am at fault nearly in entirety....

Originally Posted by Andrew

I am going to be perfectly honest here, and I am sorry if I come across too bluntly.

This comment perfectly summarizes your attitude of your wife: a self-centered, incapable, product of her surroundings. You have consistently stated that your wife is a whiny, irrational, irresponsible, self-centered, incapable little spoiled brat who brings nothing useful or capable to the world.

you grossly misinterpreted what i said

[passinthru]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

we both have full, and unlimited access to the bank account...we both know what we both make, and what bills need to be paid

That wasn't what I was asking.

Originally Posted by me

have the two of you sat down and seriously discussed your current financial situation and budget?

You made a comment earlier about you think it's time to start saving money and not living paycheck to paycheck - have you two discussed this at all - or are you making a unilateral decision and just telling Nadine this is how it's going to be?

we can't get to work in the same vehicle without one of us being late

Sorry, I don't buy it. Maybe because I was raised in a one vehicle family for alot of years - try a family of 5 children, 2 parents, 1 sometimes working vehicle. One of you then arrives at work early because the other one drops him or her off early so that he or she can arrive on time for work. It's not rocket science. I do not understand the logic that says that a couple needs to have two vehicles. If you're in the city, you could also take public transit. yes it takes more time, but you get used to doing your homework on the bus.

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

well, i'm not here to complain about my problems....i'm here for advice....now, if i write things while i'm still upset, it will reflect that, but i'm here for advice.....not to be told who is to blame....in fact, let me be honest....it upsets me that nearly everyone here is saying that i am a bad person and it's all my fault....that's not what i came here for....am i perfect??...hell no....but to say that i am at fault nearly in entirety....

You have gotten advice - over and over again I see the same answer from people - go together and get counseling, get mentoring from an older, wiser couple, get financial counseling....and the other main piece of advice given over and over again is to sit down and really talk with your wife. You're getting the same advice from people of both genders, married and single. Might be worth taking us up on it.

This isn't about blame or fault - it's about responsibility and attitude. Biblical model for marriage is for you to love Nadine as Christ loved the church and give up your life for her. It's about mutual respect and submission. It's about preferring one another - about preferring her.

[KFBobInsanesMom]

It seems that noone is recognizing that there really are some people in the world who do not/cannot grasp the idea of budgeting money. If she lived her whole life in a family who spends beyond their means and she never was part of figuring out how to keep the creditors at bay, she may simply have no concept at all of the results of this type of spending. I had a neighbor like this. No matter how much calm, reasonable talking her husband did, it never sunk in. They got in some very serious debt to the point of almost losing their house.

I also can see the possibility that she is reacting in a way that I do sometimes. There have been times when the financial situation here has been so gloomy and we have been living without doing anything except staying at home, that I have just said the heck with it and done something like take the guys out to eat, or buy something for one of them they want but I honestly can't afford, etc. Sometimes its just too overwhelming to face the financial problems and you want to be like a "normal" person and have something. So I can sympathesize with her in a fashion.

While I agree that you have been talking about your wife in a less than loving manner, I do think I can understand your frustration.

One thing I noticed in your list of expenses were 2 speeding tickets. Ummmmm, slow down and obey the law might be a good idea. If the problem with using only one car is work schedules (next to impossible to use one car if one works 8-5 and the other 3-11), can one of you either change shifts or perhaps even change jobs? You may have to make sacrifices here to work it out that you only need one vehicle. Its hard, but it can be done. I have to wake one of the boys at 6:30 in the morning when they could sleep until 8 because I have to get to work and they have to have the car. It's not fun, but you do what you have to do. Sometimes I have to find a ride home from work because they aren't home to pick me up. Rather frustrating at my age to have to do this, but its just the way it is.

I would guess that this problem started on a small scale, wasn't dealt with, and has now escalated to a point where its impossible to have a discussion about it without it turning into a fight. You need to find an unbiased third party to sit down with the two of you and keep a rein on the discussion. Perhaps each having a set allowance of "free" money each month would help. Once it's gone, then that party is done spending money on anything other than budgeted expenses for the month. This way there would be some money that the other didn't need to agree how it was spent and it would take a lot of pressure off the situation. If she wanted to spend "her" money on a game, thats her choice and it won't cause an argument.

[KFBobInsanesMom]

Originally Posted by passinthru

You have gotten advice - over and over again I see the same answer from people - go together and get counseling, get mentoring from an older, wiser couple, get financial counseling....and the other main piece of advice given over and over again is to sit down and really talk with your wife. You're getting the same advice from people of both genders, married and single. Might be worth taking us up on it.

This isn't about blame or fault - it's about responsibility and attitude. Biblical model for marriage is for you to love Nadine as Christ loved the church and give up your life for her. It's about mutual respect and submission. It's about preferring one another - about preferring her.

While I agree that he is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, I haven't seen anyone saying that she likewise needs to love and respect her husband. Things like this are rarely one sided and since we are only seeing one side it's hard to say whether symbiotic is right or not about his wife's problem with spending money. There is definitely a lack of communication going on, but it just might be possible that she is as he has described and its more than just needing to talk with her.

[KFBobInsanesMom]

Originally Posted by snizzle

I didn't want to come here and preach but this thought just hit me. Why are you telling us this? Even if you convince us that your wife is everything that you say she is, what does that gain? We're a couple of people out in cyberspace. She is your wife. Talk to her. Reason it out with her. If it doesn't work..talk to her some more. Telling other people about your problems will never fix them.
-shane

I actually think its good that he brought his frustrations out here instead of at home. Sometimes you just need to vent. I do think that telling other people your problems can help because sometimes until you read/hear what you are saying, you don't even recognize your own fault in a situation. Maybe if he gets past the point of blowing up he can have a reasonable discussion with his wife about this without losing it.

[Nate]

Geez. I feel sorry for now for being a part of that mess.

[snizzle]

Originally Posted by Nate

Geez. I feel sorry for now for being a part of that mess.

Yea..

The bottom line is you came for advice and got it. Talk to your wife, and perhaps even a counselor. You can't expect more from us than what we've given. We know very little of your situation and are offering advice based on that. However, your wife knows the full situation.

I never leave a problem with my fiance' unresolved...ever. There have been many times where we have gotten in some pretty bad fights, almost to the point of wondering whether the whole relationship was worth it. But we never leave each other's presence until the conflict is resolved. (And I don't mean a saracastic 'Fine! Ok, you win..' resolved..i mean truly resolved) This has been hard but I truly believe that it has made our relationship stronger and will make our marraige stronger.

The more you talk to other people and not her, the harder this will get. Everyone's advice here is to talk to her. Chances are she probably does have a problem. But we can't solve that. The only one that can solve that is you and her.
-shane

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

you grossly misinterpreted what i said

Quite honestly, he didn't.

Sometimes you may have to take one car and leave early and hae somebody dropped off an hour early. Does it suck? yeah, but its a solution. It is a solution my wife and I have had to use.

[Symbiotic]

ok, i just can't word what i am trying to say well then....i've never been good with words

KFBobInsanesMom: thank you for being neutral and avoiding taking either my side of my wife's....that's what i like....see, you acknowledge that it may not be all me, while saying that there is no way i am blameless either....

ok....i'm not trying to make my wife look like the bad girl....i love her and i do want her to be happy...i hate it when she's unhappy.....it hurts to see it....but i've got another example i need to share to perhaps get my point across....we went grocery shopping tonight....while we were there, Nadine saw some teeth-whitening strips....i said i didn't want to buy them(they are $40 min.)....she got upset becuase, "[I] never let [her] have anything [she] needs"...do you see what i'm trying to say?....she can't distinguish needs from wants....and don't get on my case about being controlling....i very calmly said, "You know we don't have the money"......so, the question is: what is a good way to try to explain that what she wants is different from what we need....again, i stress the we bit...i'm not looking out for me....i want to make sure we can still eat and stuff....any suggestions on how to approach this?

[Andrew]

Stop assuming you know exactly what your wife's wants and needs are, to the point that her ideal doesn't matter. Once again, I am NOT suggesting she is blameless here. But, as I said before, YOU are the one responsible for HER, not the other way around. It is on your shoulders to fix this.

My suggestion on how to approach this is to let go of your pride and understand that Nadine's preferences and opinions are JUST as important as yours. Nadine isn't innocent here, but neither are you, and it is your responsibility as a MAN to make this right.

[leiarose]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

...thank you for being neutral and avoiding taking either my side of my wife's....that's what i like....see, you acknowledge that it may not be all me, while saying that there is no way i am blameless either....

Absolutely. Because neutrality is exactly what you need when seeking advice. A plethora of people being straight forward that everyone or no one is at fault.

i said i didn't want to buy them(they are $40 min.)

(emphasis obviously mine) It's a marriage and as difficult, inconvenient and painful as it might be it's between two people. Not just one.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

ok, i just can't word what i am trying to say well then....i've never been good with words

KFBobInsanesMom: thank you for being neutral and avoiding taking either my side of my wife's....that's what i like....see, you acknowledge that it may not be all me, while saying that there is no way i am blameless either....

ok....i'm not trying to make my wife look like the bad girl....i love her and i do want her to be happy...i hate it when she's unhappy.....it hurts to see it....but i've got another example i need to share to perhaps get my point across....we went grocery shopping tonight....while we were there, Nadine saw some teeth-whitening strips....i said i didn't want to buy them(they are $40 min.)....she got upset becuase, "[I] never let [her] have anything [she] needs"...do you see what i'm trying to say?....she can't distinguish needs from wants....and don't get on my case about being controlling....i very calmly said, "You know we don't have the money"......so, the question is: what is a good way to try to explain that what she wants is different from what we need....again, i stress the we bit...i'm not looking out for me....i want to make sure we can still eat and stuff....any suggestions on how to approach this?

You need to very frankly actually talk to her about your finances, and judging by your track record here talking to us... You might want to have some counseling on this first in person from a older married couple. Have you bought anything she might consider as necessary as the teeth whitening?

I would get a distinct budget of how much free spending money you have... Both of you. Speeding tickets and such need to come out of this as well.