[exo]

Originally Posted by Nate

Well, yes. I understand that. Really, I do. But some of the posts have sounded more like "Here's how I think we should handle our finances, and, therefore, that is how we will handle our finances." I'm not saying we're going to have a discussion about everything we spend money on or that we're going to alternate taking turns to the bank or even that we're going to sit down every month and talk about our bank accounts or anything like that, but it scares me to think that one or the other of us would ever get to the point where we are the only one determining our financial goals and our methods of getting there.

My feelings have something to do with... other things, too.

You may have gotten this impression from my post, but we definitely talk about our goals together. I'm just the one that implements them solely. So, when I say 'handle' I just mean the implementation part.

[TheProdigalModern]

When we lived in Pineville, I pretty much handled the money (all $7.50 of it). When we moved to Ruston, Susannah kind of picked it up by default, but we never really discussed who was doing what, and so the closest thing that we've had to a fight about money went like this:

(The scene opens at a breakfast table. Two people, a husband and wife, sit next to each other, chatting calmly over scrambled eggs and bagels.)

Vershal: So, did you pay the gas bill?
Susannah: Me? I thought that you were going to do that online.
Vershal: (Pause) I did that last month, but I thought that you were going to do it through the mail this time.
Susannah: Oh, ok. I'll take care of that today.
Vershal: (smiling, sipping coffee) Yeah, good idea. I think it was due last week.

[nate95366]

I'm not saying we're going to have a discussion about everything we spend money on or that we're going to alternate taking turns to the bank or even that we're going to sit down every month and talk about our bank accounts or anything like that, but it scares me to think that one or the other of us would ever get to the point where we are the only one determining our financial goals and our methods of getting there.

There's an entry for the long-sentence contest

Financial goals should most definitely be discussed by both partners, I think. I think what we've been talking about mostly in this thread, though, is the daily "grunt" work of actually paying bills, keeping the accounts in balance, and the like.

Nate

[Symbiotic]

why is my wife mad at me?

she wants to buy a two months "game-card" for World of Warcraft.....i told her i didn't want her to...the reasons being numerous(i put these so you can see that they are not resons like, "I need to go to the movies next week"):

-we need new summer tires for her car(her winters are studded so we can't -leave them on any longer)
-we have insurance payments to make on the cars
-we have rent to pay(and it went up $200 because the lease is over)
-we need to do brakes on both cars
-we just got two expensive speeding tickets(ya...two...within 20 min of each other)
-we need groceries
-we need to buy gas(at $1.00/litre...or $4.35/USgal)
-we still owe her brother money we borrowed to fix my truck(tranny rebuild)
-plus more expenses of this nature

while this game card is only $40, it is something i don't think we should be buying right now....i'm tired of going paycheck to paycheck...i think it's time to start saving money....yes, our large tax return is coming soon...but i don't know when....so we shouldn't spend like we have it, lest it comes later than expected.....i told her i have no problem with her getting this game thing when we've got money again....

just like last time(i have a post a while back in here), she isn't listening to what i'm saying(and last time we did cut it close on the paycheck)...i give her reasonable explanations, and all she can say is, "I want it"....i.m.h.o., she's being a spoiled brat....there are many things i want, but i haven't gotten them because i want to save money...heck, i broke a tool at work some time back, and still haven't replaced it.....

why???...what's going on????

[thesteve]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

why is my wife mad at me?

she wants to buy a two months "game-card" for World of Warcraft.....i told her i didn't want her to...the reasons being numerous(i put these so you can see that they are not resons like, "I need to go to the movies next week"):

why???...what's going on????

Why...because World of Warcraft is crack for nerds. You may or may not be surprised how many people ruin their lives because they're addicted to that game.

[Symbiotic]

i actually told her that she needs to take a step back and evaluate herself....when she starts getting upset(and crying even) over a game, it's time to stop taking it so seriously....hell, whenever things start to get me angry or upset like that, i just quit them....eg: back in elementary school, i quit Pokemon cards in a matter or minutes....no transition stage...i had some of my "best" cards stolen and decided that when it got to the point that people were stealing them, it was no longer worth it because it was a game being taken way to seriously

now she thinks i'm being too controlling.....she thinks i have no faith....and she thinks i think she's irresponsible(she's right about this one, unfortunately)

[passinthru]

Instead of putting all the blame on your wife, what part of this is your responsibility? have the two of you sat down and seriously discussed your current financial situation and budget? Is she even aware of where the paycheck goes, or do you just let her know how much she is 'allowed' to spend? (aka is there a basis for her seeing you as controlling)

I understand that you are venting some here, but the way that I read your posts about this, no wonder your wife is angry with you. If this kind of attitude is there - from where I'm reading you are treating her like a child.

it might be worthwhile to seriously discuss your spending habits and hers, not from a well you can't spend that money on that because of x, y, and z - but from a point of sharing this is where I come from and really listen to what she has to say about her own background and philosophy on money.

I"m not married - I am in a relationship in which spending habits and money are things we talk openly about. My spending habits are a little more lenient than his are on some things. We were raised very differently when it comes to finances but we both are learning all about the stress of paying bills on a limited income - and we discuss it and know where each other is at financially. He doesn't treat me like a child and he does pay some of my bills because I am unable to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that instead of blaming and blasting your wife, what can you do and what is your responsibility here?

[leiarose]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

i actually told her that she needs to take a step back and evaluate herself....when she starts getting upset(and crying even) over a game, it's time to stop taking it so seriously....hell, whenever things start to get me angry or upset like that, i just quit them....

Oh my goodness, Symbiotic. She's a girl. I'm not going to be stereotypical but it's totally normal for her to cry and be the woman in your relationship. Haha, the girl inside me is just "hold me, make it okay!". She obviously doesn't have the same type of commitment to WoW that you had to Pokemon and you don't see it the same. That's not a bad thing, it just takes some adjusting and understanding from both of you. Go ahead and be the first to make a gracious move as you're seeking advice/counsel on how to proceed.

I think I would cry and be naturally distressed if my lover told me to "take a step back and evaluate myself" in the middle of this argument.

Originally Posted by Katie

I guess what I'm trying to say is that instead of blaming and blasting your wife, what can you do and what is your responsibility here?

Absolutely. It's obvious you needed to vent - that's a stressful situation. God has appointed you with the amazing power/responsibility of the husband/man in this relationship.

IMHO, hold her tight and tell her you love her. Be gentle and just love her without judgment. I'm not promising...but I can't imagine this getting worse if she's absolutely convinced you adore her and are willing to work it out with patience.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

why is my wife mad at me?

. . .

why???...what's going on????

You don't want or need my totally honest opinion.

Both of you need some serious work on your communication skills (both of you, but especially you for thinking of / calling your wife a "spoiled brat" and treating her like an irresponsible child) and on your relationship in general.

You have way way bigger problems than finances.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

looking at the problem, I would say from my guess its a lack of truly sacrificial love.

Okay... here is the thing, when you treat someone like that. You are showing them a complete lack of respect as a human being and an adult. Maybe they are being childish, but from your previous posts it looks like you both have growing up to do with money.

However, what is money worth? Is it worth your marriage? Is $40 worth what you are putting the marriage through? In all seriousness, it sounds like you two probably need to go to some godly professional counseling.

I would say from your description that both of you are acting like spoiled brats. The way you describe yourself and your actions is rather schoolyard bullyish. She is your wife, but not your property or beneath you.

My wife when we first got married spent money we didn't have and I ended up eating Ramen over it... (and nothing in some cases) You know what? gently discussing it and asking her to say, wait two weeks till the next paycheck works so much better than telling her she can't buy something. Its her money too, but honesty about the situation goes a lot further than tyranny.

[Praisey]

to add something... most women would never be agreeable to being preached down on... what you said to her hurt her deep within... she's not going to be agreeable to that even if you explain to her the logic of not spending that $40.

money is the number one cause for divorce... you guys should really go into counselling over this... handling the finances in marriage should've been discussed way before you got married, but since you are now (married) make everything possible to work it out.

[danalyn]

I want to mention too (from your earlier post, mentions here, and lurking in your blog) I've wondered about the vehicles. How many of the things you're doing are 100% necessary? We only have one vehicle and generally do what we need to do to keep it on the road--such as taping together the rear taillight instead of forking over however much it would've run us to replace it on a vehicle that's no longer being made and having a friend's dad bang out the dent in the door instead of taking it to a body shop.

[Symbiotic]

Originally Posted by passinthru

Instead of putting all the blame on your wife, what part of this is your responsibility? have the two of you sat down and seriously discussed your current financial situation and budget? Is she even aware of where the paycheck goes, or do you just let her know how much she is 'allowed' to spend? (aka is there a basis for her seeing you as controlling)

we both have full, and unlimited access to the bank account...we both know what we both make, and what bills need to be paid

Originally Posted by danalyn

I want to mention too (from your earlier post, mentions here, and lurking in your blog) I've wondered about the vehicles. How many of the things you're doing are 100% necessary? We only have one vehicle and generally do what we need to do to keep it on the road--such as taping together the rear taillight instead of forking over however much it would've run us to replace it on a vehicle that's no longer being made and having a friend's dad bang out the dent in the door instead of taking it to a body shop.

only gas and insurance....the Saturn needs new brake rotors....no if, ands, or buts, about it....it has needed them since we got it....but that's really it....my truck had to be fixed...we can't get to work in the same vehicle without one of us being late


the big thing is that i'm sick of being the one who tries to reason, and be calm....she tends to give reasons that are more "her" centered...now, realize that we worked things out....so i'm saying this with a cool head...i try to look out for "us"....is some of this my fault....ya....it wouldn't happen if it was all her....

Originally Posted by Praisey

money is the number one cause for divorce... you guys should really go into counselling over this... handling the finances in marriage should've been discussed way before you got married, but since you are now (married) make everything possible to work it out.

what was discussed before we got married was that i would be the one who took the responsibility of doing the actual paying of bills.....she would always have access to the money and the ability to pay bills if ever needed....the decision for me to pay them was so as to avoid confusion like, "did you pay that bill??"



i think where part of the problem comes from is her family...they are all spenders

[LefseRae]

Symbiotic, I'm not married, but I do have parents. And one thing that does NOT help is placing all the blame on the other person. Try to figure out what YOU could be doing wrong, and admitting to it, rather than passing the buck. Don't be Adam.

[Andrew]

I am going to be perfectly honest here, and I am sorry if I come across too bluntly.

i think where part of the problem comes from is her family...they are all spenders

This comment perfectly summarizes your attitude of your wife: a self-centered, incapable, product of her surroundings. You have consistently stated that your wife is a whiny, irrational, irresponsible, self-centered, incapable little spoiled brat who brings nothing useful or capable to the world.

Think about what you think of her. Instead of thinking about how you can explain to her rational mind why your concert/truck repair/everything else you have mentioned is more important (which it isn't, IMO) than her desires, you repeatedly try and force her to agree with you. You have no intention of listening to her desires, or input, and you have every intention of asserting your desires over hers.

Now, this is not to say that she is completely in the clear, either. But I truly believe that YOU are the one responsible for making this right. You are treating your wife very poorly, and there is NO excuse for that, no matter WHAT she is doing. And it IS that damn simple. You are responsible for her before God, and when you blame her for being irresponsible, you might as well be blaming yourself.

I second that you both seriously need counseling from a wise a experienced mentor, who can tell you more clearly what the real issues you are battling with are. But please, for the sake of your own marriage and happiness, get some help.