[Lightknight]

Hmm, I'm not married but I think I know some things I would weigh in that situation (I've been thinking about this a lot actually, financial things that is). If my wife was the type who got stressed out when money was tight, I'd naturally want to protect her from it. Though if it is as close as yours was then I'd also have to prevent her from spending money that would drop us far below with her thinking it'd be ok.

I'd never lie to her, so if she asked I might avoid the question somewhat, but I'd have to spill the beans eventually.

Then again, the other point to weigh (for me, at least), is that I'd be keeping something from the one who is supposed to be my partner in life. I don't know how I'd think about such an action as that.

Tough question, Bill. Really tough.

[bobthecockroach]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

and she thinks we can manage with only $300 for groceries....fine, if all we eat is Mr. Noodles

$10/day for groceries is quite feasible for two people. Ask around in the Food forum if you want more ideas.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

so, i'll add my own story....

About a month ago my truck broke down...i needed a transmission rebuild....i tried to remove the tranny myself to save money, but ended giving up due to bolts being on too tight for be to do with the tools i have available.....i did however get enough done that i was not charged for removal, only installation and rebuilt.....total damage to the banks account $1860....we had to borrow $1000 from nadine's brother....this is where it gets "fun".....we need to pay her brother back(we told him 2 months), i have a large-ish Visa bill to pay, we have a high insurance bill this month, i will need to have my summer tires put back on soon, my truck needs a new windshield, i need to change the oil in the car(i do it myself, but i use full synthetic), i have a concert to go to next week(that'll cost me some more money)...don't forget rent(and that's high in this city)....last weekend we went out with some of nadine's co-workers and spent $100.....yesterday nadine went to the mall and spent another $100...now she wants to go out again with her coworkers tomorrow....here's the kicker....i was going out for wings and beer with old classmates from college nearly every week for quite some time....in the last 4.5 months, i may have gone 4 times....i have stopped going to save money need elsewhere....we need to start looking for a new apartment, so we are going to need money for a damage deposit.....all these things that are needs and she wants to go out with some friends....i have even been called by friends to go out, and said no because we need to save money...i sacrifice, and she thinks she can spend more???....

i went out for a long drive to cool off after she said some things this evening.....when i came back, she had written up a "budget"....hahahahaha...that's what i think....according to it, in the next month we only need $140 for gas for.....my truck alone is about $60/week....the car is probably $30/week....and she thinks we can manage with only $300 for groceries....fine, if all we eat is Mr. Noodles....i know this is only over what is probably about another $100, but right now is possibly the worst time to spend it unnecessarily....

i'm sorry if this is more of a rant than a story, but i saw the thread and new God put it here right now for me....this is...i dunno.....

Well, I did eat only Ramen noodles for about a month and a half, literally. I think you need to tighten the belt first as the guy. If it means using non-synthetic oil, and making sacrifices, those sacrifices need to be made.


FYI, I am in the US, and I am currently not skimping on groceries, I pretty much buy what I want. Our food budget is $160 a month currently, but I have whittled it down to $80 a month for the both of us when we were really tight. The concerts may have to go. I had to skip out on Extol over finances, and that wasn't easy.

Fundamentally it sounds like you need to have a talk and figure out how both of you can cut back and do it.

[Art]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

so, i'll add my own story....

About a month ago my truck broke down...i needed a transmission rebuild....i tried to remove the tranny myself to save money, but ended giving up due to bolts being on too tight for be to do with the tools i have available.....i did however get enough done that i was not charged for removal, only installation and rebuilt.....total damage to the banks account $1860....we had to borrow $1000 from nadine's brother....this is where it gets "fun".....we need to pay her brother back(we told him 2 months), i have a large-ish Visa bill to pay, we have a high insurance bill this month, i will need to have my summer tires put back on soon, my truck needs a new windshield, i need to change the oil in the car(i do it myself, but i use full synthetic), i have a concert to go to next week(that'll cost me some more money)...don't forget rent(and that's high in this city)....last weekend we went out with some of nadine's co-workers and spent $100.....yesterday nadine went to the mall and spent another $100...now she wants to go out again with her coworkers tomorrow....here's the kicker....i was going out for wings and beer with old classmates from college nearly every week for quite some time....in the last 4.5 months, i may have gone 4 times....i have stopped going to save money need elsewhere....we need to start looking for a new apartment, so we are going to need money for a damage deposit.....all these things that are needs and she wants to go out with some friends....i have even been called by friends to go out, and said no because we need to save money...i sacrifice, and she thinks she can spend more???....

i went out for a long drive to cool off after she said some things this evening.....when i came back, she had written up a "budget"....hahahahaha...that's what i think....according to it, in the next month we only need $140 for gas for.....my truck alone is about $60/week....the car is probably $30/week....and she thinks we can manage with only $300 for groceries....fine, if all we eat is Mr. Noodles....i know this is only over what is probably about another $100, but right now is possibly the worst time to spend it unnecessarily....

i'm sorry if this is more of a rant than a story, but i saw the thread and new God put it here right now for me....this is...i dunno.....

In my opinion, you need to have a good, calm talk with her, and soon. You both have to understand that fighting about it and getting upset at each other is not going to help the situation. You'll both have to make sacrifices, I'm sure. But you have to be open to suggestions. Make a budget together.

I agree with Bill that you need to make the cuts first, if for no other reason than as a sign of leadership, and as a sign of good faith.

[Art]

Just as kind of a side note (and I am really happy for this thread), I have not gotten into a ton of detail with Rachel about certain things. She knows where we generally stand (ie. "This is a tight month, I need to pick up extra shifts if they are offered" or "Yeah, we can afford to do something special this month.") She is probably going to be a lot more involved than she is now, like I said before.

[Rach]

Chris and I are both involved in the finances of our household. We both pay bills and monitor our spending and account. Since we have just bought a house, we have had to tighten our reigns and even more so budget. We both have had our own jobs and lived on our own, so we both know and understand how to live by a budget and live as adults, and i think that was the best experience for us. We very rarely argue about money and it is always due to a misunderstanding than anything else because we both know what it takes to run a household.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Rach

Chris and I are both involved in the finances of our household. We both pay bills and monitor our spending and account. Since we have just bought a house, we have had to tighten our reigns and even more so budget. We both have had our own jobs and lived on our own, so we both know and understand how to live by a budget and live as adults, and i think that was the best experience for us. We very rarely argue about money and it is always due to a misunderstanding than anything else because we both know what it takes to run a household.

My wife and I have fought about money 3 times. Once was when she wanted to buy something, (about $40) during the period when we had less than $10 in the account, and put it on the debit card.

She freaked out about moving costs once and we had an argument not too long ago because of a very basic misunderstanding. In that case it was her hospital's glitch and we had not been paid.

[Mara's Mom]

Developing healthy financial habits is one of the best things a couple can do for their marriage. It is fairly common for one person to be uncomfortable with money issues and it's easy in a marriage for the more naturally 'capable' person to take the lead, which is perfectly fine as long as the other person doesn't remain 'incapable'. I think it goes deeper than having the ability to pay bills and knowing the general status of accounts. People don't feel secure when they are uncomfortable with something. Especially something like finances.

Then there are those couples where both parties seem 'incapable'. *laugh* It's just something that will most likely require outside sources. Books, seminars, wise counsel, etc. There is no shame in that. Mr. D and I did not learn good habits in our youth. Where money is concerned, I tend to freak out and then bury my head in the sand and he tends to be so optimistic that he doesn't see a problem for what it is. Both tendencies are wrong. We have had to learn to compensate for them just as we would any personal weakness. What matters is not where you begin, but where you end.

Side note: I spend $100 per week on groceries for a family of six. This includes toiletries and cleaning supplies and we regularly fix extra meals for those who have just had a baby or are sick/post-surgery/generally overwhelmed with life.

[Symbiotic]

the concert is already paid for.....so, that not really an option...i wouldn't be able to sell tickets with this short notice....

and i do believe everyone here is American(or in the US).....food costs in Canada a considerably more....in fact...almost everything is....

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Symbiotic

the concert is already paid for.....so, that not really an option...i wouldn't be able to sell tickets with this short notice....

and i do believe everyone here is American(or in the US).....food costs in Canada a considerably more....in fact...almost everything is....

I can imagine... However, you may need to do a serious look at realistically what you can afford. If it means eating Mr. Noodles for breakfast... Thats what it means. It may cramp your fun for a while, but in the log run, sacrifice is at the heart of a good marriage.

[nate95366]

Good discussion going on here...

And for all you folks who hate Ramen noodles, there's always beans 'n rice (the kind of beans you have to soak for a day, and the kind of rice that doesn't come in a box).

My wife actually said to me just this morning, "You know, it's been a while since you've been able to buy anything guitar-related, and I've been thinking....." and then she basically offered me a budgeted amount to go shopping. I still asked (politely) to see where this money was coming from, though, before I take her up on the offer...

Nate

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Oh my, I still have 20 pounds of rice. It went on sale for $2 for 20 lbs my wife and I bought several bags. Not shabby for the deal, but it was sticky rice, real sticky. I think we will still be eating on that for a time to come, but for a while we were eating that pretty much constantly. (20 lbs of rice is an enormous amount, 40 is silly, and I can't remember if we got 60 or 80)

[KFBobInsanesMom]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

Oh my, I still have 20 pounds of rice. It went on sale for $2 for 20 lbs my wife and I bought several bags. Not shabby for the deal, but it was sticky rice, real sticky. I think we will still be eating on that for a time to come, but for a while we were eating that pretty much constantly. (20 lbs of rice is an enormous amount, 40 is silly, and I can't remember if we got 60 or 80)

You can cure the stickness problem by cooking the rice is as much water as you can (use a big dutch oven), add a couple tablespoons of vinegar to the water, and don't cover the pan while it cooks. Just let it cook at a slow boil for about 15 minutes. We have no problem going through 20lbs of rice in a month, sometimes even quicker.

[leiarose]

Andrew is much more financially savvy than myself so he makes the "big" decisions and influences any other ones that I have personally. We would probably be better off if I listened to him regarding every money question.[/honest] He is much more educated than myself and more practical. That said - his role will be the same when we get married. I will probably "pay bills" and plan grocery purchases and household things with both of us discussing the budget beforehand.

I don't think either of us would be comfortable keeping financial matters from the other if things are tight or different or better or whatnot. We have already assumed a great deal of our roles in a "marriage" while not being yet. We have had access to one another's accounts and spending so far. This week we're getting a joint account to make that more simple and unified.

[Symbiotic]

i tried so hard to be calm and collected....speaking softly and not raising my voice....yet all it ended in was her not listening to what i had to say