[adamkaboom]

Okem Dokie...to do or not to do...

I always feel kinda sheepish asking for advice on here... [/farm animal], but I haven't had a chance to talk to my bud about this yet. So, here I am.

Okay, so this last weekend I went on a college visit and all of that jazz. Whilst we were still in the car, my dad started searchin' through some radio stations. He stopped on one and I heard a song (kinda profound I know) and it was a song that a friend of mine really likes...that started the thoughts. Pretty much everything I saw after that reminded me of her. I saw the type of car that she drives...past her fave restaurant...a car dealership that was "Wallace Motors"...her last name is Wallace... all of this stuff (there were more than this btw). I know that more than likely this was just coincidence, and it wasn't a message from God or something like that. But it really got me to thinking about her. We've been good friends for a while, and I have always had a HUGE crush on her.

There's the little bit of background for ya....

My heart screams "Tell her how you feel!!!" and my mind says "Hey Heart...SHUT UP!" ya know? lol Sometimes I wish that the two weren't connected. I know that the only way to find out it something would work is to ask...but then the whole, "what would happen to the friendship blah ba-blah ba-blah..." thought comes into mind. I was once told...:

"Pray to God and ask for his guidance...and never be afraid to take a risk and trust God to pick you up when you fall."

...I was also told...:

"Sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most...even if it is our dream"

I'm like hmm...these kinda hit both ends of the spectrum ya know? I hate saying it this way...but I can't think of any other way..... she exceeds my "standards" (i hate saying that) I have set in my mind. What's a guy supposed to do? Hang out with her more and try to slip in some hints... come right out and say it... forget about it? I'm at a loss...

[Nate]

IIRC, you're plenty old enough to move ahead on serious relationships... so go for it. You'll never know how she feels if you don't ask, and you'll never know if there could have been something there.

[OctaviusIII]

Tough call, and the two pieces of advice don't have to be on opposite ends of the spectrum. I read the second bit as, "If you know God wants to do X, but your dream is Y, do X - stay steady in the Lord." But anyway, let's look at your options:

a) talk to her about it
b) leave it be

Now, A can go three ways:

a1) She says "I feel the same way about you!", you end up dating, and everything's great
a2) She says, "I'm flattered, but I just like you as a friend," you stay friends, and everything's ok
a3) She says, "Oh... well, uh, I don't really know how to react," she distances herself to avoid the awkwardness, and things fall apart.

How likely are these three scenarios? Well, the first is probably somewhat unlikely, just thinking about numbers and raw odds. However, you'll never know unless you ask (and besides, it's good for the soul to actually step out on a limb and take a chance than to simply shy from the possibility of a2 or a3).

The second scenario is probably the most likely if she falls in the normal range of people. I asked a friend out 3 (yes, 3) times, and we're still good friends now, five years later. Things survived and weren't awkward at all.

The third scenario is likely if she has a tendency to shy away from awkwardness, or if you talk to her about things in an absolutist way ("I love you, I always will love you, and if you don't date me I'll be crushed!"). However, if she's on the border between someone to shrink from it and someone who wouldn't, you can take the initiative after a cooling off period to get things back on track to normal.

Now, what about option B? I'd say don't do it, because you'll have a "What If" hanging over your head for a while and, as I said earlier, it's better to take risks than to be afraid of risks.

So, basically, my vote is to tell her. If you do, be gentle about it, give her wiggle room if she needs it, and make it a conversation about how you feel, how she feels, and where things should proceed from there.

[/essay]

[Guitaress]

Originally Posted by adamkaboom

My heart screams "Tell her how you feel!!!" and my mind says "Hey Heart...SHUT UP!" ya know? lol Sometimes I wish that the two weren't connected. I know that the only way to find out it something would work is to ask...but then the whole, "what would happen to the friendship blah ba-blah ba-blah..." thought comes into mind. I was once told...:

I have had to same exact problem which wondering if I should do somethin er not(See I don't know anymore), that my heart kept sayin do it, but my head kept saying "Don't do it".

Well, I was told to listen to your heart, and that's what I did

It took a lot of encouragement, but I listened to my heart and did it.

I have yet to know the outcome of what I did, but it's like, since I dont, I've felt so much better and it's like "Once he reads it, everything'll be fine"

So just keep praying about it, and trust your heart, and hopefully things'll look up.

[adamkaboom]

Originally Posted by Nate

IIRC, you're plenty old enough to move ahead on serious relationships... so go for it. You'll never know how she feels if you don't ask, and you'll never know if there could have been something there.

i wish i knew what "IIRC" meant... hm..good point

Originally Posted by OctaviusIII

Tough call, and the two pieces of advice don't have to be on opposite ends of the spectrum. I read the second bit as, "If you know God wants to do X, but your dream is Y, do X - stay steady in the Lord." But anyway, let's look at your options:

a) talk to her about it
b) leave it be...

You really look at these things and break them down...which is great, and I appreciate your thorough-ness in your reply. I'm going to really think about this and make sure that I approach that way. I'm not generally "aggressive", I'm calm and speak with confidence...generally...lol

The third scenario is likely if she has a tendency to shy away from awkwardness, or if you talk to her about things in an absolutist way ("I love you, I always will love you, and if you don't date me I'll be crushed!"). However, if she's on the border between someone to shrink from it and someone who wouldn't, you can take the initiative after a cooling off period to get things back on track to normal.

lol...she's definatlely not a shy person... and conflict/awkward-ness doesn't bother her

Originally Posted by Guitaress

I have yet to know the outcome of what I did, but it's like, since I dont, I've felt so much better and it's like "Once he reads it, everything'll be fine"

I don't think I personally could take the writing approach....it's just not in my personality... I would be the exact opposite.... *in a worried, fast voice* "Has she read it yet...what did i say? I don't rememeber...AHHH why did I do that ...." that would be me. I'll have to take this face to face... what's a little rejection


Thank you all for your input. If anyone else has other opinions please share!!!

[Rainer.]

I'd just make sure you don't go about things in waves of blind emotion, don't essentially "lose your head" when it comes to her. A relationship is really a practical thing, and you head is a bit better at thinking than your heart. Rationally consider whether or not it's beneficial, give it some prayer (important!), and if it is, then go for it. And be confident.

[OctaviusIII]

"IIRC" means If I Remember Correctly.

Also, thoroughness is how I do. Oh, the decision trees!

[burningtr33]

ooh man i have some stories to share if ur willing to PM me.

[wjarmusch]

Originally Posted by Rainer.

I'd just make sure you don't go about things in waves of blind emotion, don't essentially "lose your head" when it comes to her. A relationship is really a practical thing, and you head is a bit better at thinking than your heart. Rationally consider whether or not it's beneficial, give it some prayer (important!), and if it is, then go for it. And be confident.

You definitely want to keep the above in mind. Good advice Rainer.

Other than that, if you've been thinking & praying about it for a while and still feel the same way I'd say go for it. You'll never know what she thinks unless you talk to her about it.

"Sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most...even if it is our dream"

I was also told "What good are dreams if we don't follow them?"

It'll just drive you crazy if you never find out. Maybe you've seen the email forward (true story) that's gone around. I don't remember all the details but here's the jist of it:
There's a guy who likes a girl in middle school. He doesn't say anything and wonders if she likes him back...
They go into High School as friends and he still likes them, still doesn't say anything while he wonders if she likes him back.
It comes to Senior prom and he is in love with her. He doesn't say anything to her and she goes to prom with someone else, all the while he's wondering if she loves him back. The years go by and she gets married to some other guy. The guy in this story is still single... She then get's into a car accident. At her funeral they pull out her Journal. Many of the entries read:
"I wonder if he feels the same way?"

She liked him all along, but both were too afraid to do anything about it.

I don't know if that helps, but it sure made me think about how bad I'd feel if that happened to me. So in summary..."Go for it".

[JaytheK]

Originally Posted by wjarmusch

I don't know if that helps, but it sure made me think about how bad I'd feel if that happened to me. So in summary..."Go for it".

I definitely agree. I've said this before, but it bears repeating: God almost never speaks with an audible voice from heaven telling us what we should/shouldn't do with our lives. In my experience God speaks softly to us, and He lets us take steps of faith while we follow Him. As we take those steps, He'll either close or open the doors as we approach them. If we never take that step of faith into the unknown (and boy, do I know how scary that is), how can we know if it's God's Will or not?

[Katze]

As a girl myself, I would rather know if guy has a crush/loves me. Tell her as un-emotional as you can, but get straight to the truth. Girls are emotional, they just are. If you can say matter-of-factly that you love her, when she doesn't feel the same way for you, then it would be easier for her to turn you down.

[burningtr33]

I dare you to move, I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move, I dare you to move
like today never happened, today never happened before.

[adamkaboom]

this is something i posted a while back in D & R

Originally Posted by JaytheK

I definitely agree. I've said this before, but it bears repeating: God almost never speaks with an audible voice from heaven telling us what we should/shouldn't do with our lives. In my experience God speaks softly to us, and He lets us take steps of faith while we follow Him. As we take those steps, He'll either close or open the doors as we approach them. If we never take that step of faith into the unknown (and boy, do I know how scary that is), how can we know if it's God's Will or not?

yea yea! i totally understand what you're saying and am a true believer in it. I know that God will take a situation and place it before you and say..."Here you go." Inherently, there isn't a right or wrong answer...but it's your attitude in dealing with it... i just feel like i'm in a rock and a hard spot

Originally Posted by Katze

As a girl myself, I would rather know if guy has a crush/loves me. Tell her as un-emotional as you can, but get straight to the truth. Girls are emotional, they just are. If you can say matter-of-factly that you love her, when she doesn't feel the same way for you, then it would be easier for her to turn you down.

...i'm not sure i completely follow what you're saying, but i'm sorta smellin' what you stepped in I know that i'm not in head over heels love for this girl...not at this stage in the game. I really(emphasize REALLY) like and care about her, and if she wants to would like to start a relationship with her. If not, yea I would be easy for her turn down....but taking a quote from myself...

Originally Posted by Me

Dating is a lot like a bird. Let it go and if it leaves it was never yours to have. If it comes back after letting it go, then its yours for good. Loose hands means don't choke the bird. It means that if in three months they say, "I don't think this is going to work", you have enough faith in God to let them go and not make them feel guilty about the situation. It means you trust God enough to see each dating relationship as an opportunity to grow closer to the Lord and as a gift that at any time may be taken away. If it is taken away you trust God to grant you the ultimate desires of your heart when he sees that you are ready for it. Keep praying and God will make things clear for you.

w00t... for someone who hasn't dated...that some goot stuf ya? lol I'm still really thinking about this... i just have this other experience hanging over my head... i could go into detail but it's pointless she is out of the picture... i'm not afraid of much... but I FEAR REJECTION. i've been burnt so many times, not necessarily by girls but by "friends" and man...this is just really really tough for me.

[Amazing Grace]

Ok, this kind of contradicts what everybody else was saying, but I say, do not tell her.
I am a girl who has been confessed to by a friend who liked her, and also knew when guy friends liked her and did not say anything. If you really like this girl, then trust me, she knows. Whatever story that was about the girl dieing and then reading her diary, cute little story, but I have to doubt if it's actually real or not. Not saying that confrontation never works out, but from my experience, it does not. I mean, people will tell you to go for it, but has anybody replied saying that the exact same thing happened to them and it worked out great? I hate sounding like a skeptic, but probably not.
I say, if you have to talk about it, then its not good, things should just develop naturally. I know that I would've pushed my current boyfriend away if he had tried to tell me his feelings too early on.
If something is meant to happen then it will happen all in good timing. She will act in a different manor around you if she returns the feelings. I mean, I would definitely encourage trying to spend more time with her. If she is into hanging out more, than you'll start to see that she likes you too, or maybe she will begin to like you. Otherwise, you'll be able to tell that she likes you more as just a friend.
I have a guy friend who always comes to me for advice on girls and always wants to tell this or that girl how he feels and I tell him not to do it, but he does anyways, and yeah, he is still single. Girls don't wanna be confronted, its not even romantic, they have no idea what to do.
But on the plus side, the friendship usually still survives if you do tell her how you feel. it may be awkward for a while, but you will move on and things will probably remain pretty good between the two of you. But I just don't see any benefit from telling her.
-one girls opinion

[Guitaress]

Originally Posted by adamkaboom

but I FEAR REJECTION.

This is EXACTLY why I couldn't say face to face to the guy that I like him, and that's why It took a LOT of courage to write him that, and that's why I still haven't talked to him/asked him about it.