My Girlfriend's Addiction?

musicianist · 01-06-2007, 01:08 PM

........

bobthecockroach · 01-06-2007, 02:04 PM

So wait, you aren't doing anything physical but you're letting her do physical things to you?

musicianist · 01-06-2007, 02:28 PM

yes, i dont mind them, its just the holding hands and arm around each other stuff that her parents dont want. nothing serious.

Her mom wants us to have a brother-sister relationship. she wants it hands off. but my gf is allowed to rest her head on my shoulder and we can tickle each other! (a bit welf contradictory)

i respond to the physiscal contact, i just dont instigate it.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 01-06-2007, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by musicianist

yes, i dont mind them, its just the holding hands and arm around each other stuff that her parents dont want. nothing serious.

Her mom wants us to have a brother-sister relationship. she wants it hands off. but my gf is allowed to rest her head on my shoulder and we can tickle each other! (a bit welf contradictory)

i respond to the physiscal contact, i just dont instigate it.

that makes you just as much a party to it, so do not pawn it off on her.

ieatdirt · 01-06-2007, 02:34 PM

Well, it seenms that the issue is that it's against her parent's wishes. You should sit down and tell her that you don't think it's right to be going against her parents wishes... in the most tactful way that you can.

musicianist · 01-06-2007, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

that makes you just as much a party to it, so do not pawn it off on her.

You dont think i know that? i have prevented it for a long time. the only problem with that is when im around her, i cant relax if thats the way i handle things. and its hard to pull away without actually pulling yourself away emotionally. i turn angry and bitter very fast when these things happen. and i would leave her except that if she deos what shes doing to me, to some other guy, he will take it as her wanting more... do i need to go further?? its an obvious problem. why doesnt she just go find some other guy that wants this stuff? ive asked her that and she just says that she "loves" me to much. im trying not to lay into her about these things. even though sometimes i think thats what she needs.

and i have earned the integrity and trust of her parents to be able to make the decision i have made. and my decision has made her problem between her parents. because before i was in the middle of it, and thats not a good place to be. and when i made that decision i said that if it wasnt acceptable i wasnt going to continue the relationship.

Quote:

Well, it seenms that the issue is that it's against her parent's wishes. You should sit down and tell her that you don't think it's right to be going against her parents wishes... in the most tactful way that you can.

yes it is, and i have talked with her about these issues over 10 times, and she just isnt responding to it.

but now that i have made the decision her own effort has improved. when she makes contact she pulls away, she didnt do that before.

I guess what i am saying is that there is no problem with US, but i want to understand why it is such a big problem for her. aside from hormones. its not a problem for me to keep hands off. but for some reason it is hard for her.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 01-06-2007, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by musicianist

You dont think i know that? i have prevented it for a long time. the only problem with that is when im around her, i cant relax if thats the way i handle things. and its hard to pull away without actually pulling yourself away emotionally. i turn angry and bitter very fast when these things happen. and i would leave her except that if she deos what shes doing to me, to some other guy, he will take it as her wanting more... do i need to go further?? its an obvious problem. why doesnt she just go find some other guy that wants this stuff? ive asked her that and she just says that she "loves" me to much. im trying not to lay into her about these things. even though sometimes i think thats what she needs.

and i have earned the integrity and trust of her parents to be able to make the decision i have made. and my decision has made her problem between her parents. because before i was in the middle of it, and thats not a good place to be. and when i made that decision i said that if it wasnt acceptable i wasnt going to continue the relationship.

Your title and your original problem are simply finger pointing. If this issue is going to be dealt with, its going to be an issue that is resolved together by communication. Are you in the relationship because of her or because of what she does. Later in your post you make it sound like you are there to protect her from guys who would exploit her, not because you love her.

It gets hard for both parties to keep hands off in a relationship when you love each other, and the secret is, you just have to do it. There is nothing to blame it on, and no magic formula.

musicianist · 01-06-2007, 05:11 PM

Quote:

It gets hard for both parties to keep hands off in a relationship when you love each other, and the secret is, you just have to do it. There is nothing to blame it on, and no magic formula.

right, i guess the fact is that she cant, and i do love her, because if i didnt why would i waste my time protecting her?

communication isnt working with her in this area, so right now i guess ill just keep toughing it out. since there doesnt seem to be any way for me to help her any more than i have or tried to.

even though i said that i will respond to it but not instigate it. i rarely respond to it because i do know that i would be manipulating the situation into my favor.

if there is one thing i have to watch out for in myself, it is to keep from manipulating her or her parents or any situations we are in.

thanks for you support though

bobthecockroach · 01-06-2007, 07:08 PM

I am having a really difficult time figuring out exactly what's going on with y'all, which makes it rather difficult to give ideas.

If you don't want her to do it, why don't you say that when she does it? If she touches you, why don't you say, "please don't do that?" If you tell her you don't want her to do it, but then you reciprocate, you're essentially telling her that you really can't make up your mind or that you, in fact, DO want her to do it.

This entire thread seems wrong in some way. It is difficult, if not impossible for someone to physically affectionate without anything being reciprocated. It just doesn't make sense. Are you telling us you'll just be sitting on the couch watching TV or something, she'll start feeling up on you, and you don't do anything about it even though you want her to stop? That just doesn't make any sense.

musicianist · 01-06-2007, 07:38 PM

Quote:

I am having a really difficult time figuring out exactly what's going on with y'all, which makes it rather difficult to give ideas.

If you don't want her to do it, why don't you say that when she does it? If she touches you, why don't you say, "please don't do that?" If you tell her you don't want her to do it, but then you reciprocate, you're essentially telling her that you really can't make up your mind or that you, in fact, DO want her to do it.

This entire thread seems wrong in some way. It is difficult, if not impossible for someone to physically affectionate without anything being reciprocated. It just doesn't make sense. Are you telling us you'll just be sitting on the couch watching TV or something, she'll start feeling up on you, and you don't do anything about it even though you want her to stop? That just doesn't make any sense.

uhhhggg, it gets way compicated. ill try to lay it out in steps as far as my and her actions go...

1. she starts getting physical
2. her parents tell her to stop
3. she doesnt
4. i tell her not to because its against her parents
5. she still does
6. her parents give her some leway with holding hands
7. she pushes this
8. i tell her to stop
9. her parents let us try to figure out her boundries together
10. she still pushes MY boundaries
11. i tell her that we need to stop
12. her parents make all contact "hands off", but shes allowed to rest her head on me and we can tickle
13. she pushes those
14. i tell her to stop
(throughout this entire time i have pulled away, but let some things slide to give her a bit of slack)
15. because i am getting tired of having to pull away constantly, i make this decision: I will still respect her parents boundaries by not instigating anything or make any situations worse. but i am no longer keeping her from doing these things or pulling away. (if this decision of mine wasnt okay, i wasnt going to continue the relationship)( i have been telling her parents about these issues, and they cant seem to control what she does, so by doing this i put myself in control of what my responsabilites are)
16. she still pushes
17. i just play along with it, but dont instigate anything
18. she is now making an effort to stop by pulling away when she starts something, which i let her do (she never pulled away before, it was always my job)
19. she is improving little by little ( something i know that she doesnt is.. that her parents want to lift the "hands off", but they cant because she is so defiant)(i wont tell her this because i dont want her to stop just so they will lift the restriction)

now back to my original questions...

its not hard for me to stay hands off. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR HER???
is it just that i have better control than she does? because hormones are there whether we like them or not. IS THERE ANY WAY TO SPEED UP HER IMPROVEMENT????

i want the contact, just not in defiance of her parents.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 01-06-2007, 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by musicianist

uhhhggg, it gets way compicated. ill try to lay it out in steps as far as my and her actions go...

1. she starts getting physical
2. her parents tell her to stop
3. she doesnt
4. i tell her not to because its against her parents
5. she still does
6. her parents give her some leway with holding hands
7. she pushes this
8. i tell her to stop
9. her parents let us try to figure out her boundries together
10. she still pushes MY boundaries
11. i tell her that we need to stop
12. her parents make all contact "hands off", but shes allowed to rest her head on me and we can tickle
13. she pushes those
14. i tell her to stop
(throughout this entire time i have pulled away, but let some things slide to give her a bit of slack)
15. because i am getting tired of having to pull away constantly, i make this decision: I will still respect her parents boundaries by not instigating anything or make any situations worse. but i am no longer keeping her from doing these things or pulling away. (if this decision of mine wasnt okay, i wasnt going to continue the relationship)( i have been telling her parents about these issues, and they cant seem to control what she does, so by doing this i put myself in control of what my responsabilites are)
16. she still pushes
17. i just play along with it, but dont instigate anything
18. she is now making an effort to stop by pulling away when she starts something, which i let her do (she never pulled away before, it was always my job)
19. she is improving little by little ( something i know that she doesnt is.. that her parents want to lift the "hands off", but they cant because she is so defiant)(i wont tell her this because i dont want her to stop just so they will lift the restriction)

now back to my original questions...

its not hard for me to stay hands off. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR HER???
is it just that i have better control than she does? because hormones are there whether we like them or not. IS THERE ANY WAY TO SPEED UP HER IMPROVEMENT????

i want the contact, just not in defiance of her parents.

No there isn't. Honestly, there are only two reasons I can think of.

1) She communicates through touch.
2) She has stronger feelings in the relationship.

It sounds like you are whining. You are trying to change her. That is not going to work period. Trying to fix someone is not a way to show love.

musicianist · 01-06-2007, 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

No there isn't. Honestly, there are only two reasons I can think of.

1) She communicates through touch.
2) She has stronger feelings in the relationship.

It sounds like you are whining. You are trying to change her. That is not going to work period. Trying to fix someone is not a way to show love.

you think im whining? when there is someone you love, that has manipulated you, put you in a position where your integrity is questioned. and is being disprespectful of her parents, thus showing you no respect if you want what her parents want. wouldnt you want to give her every oppertunity that you can? i have, and im at the end of my rope. i am asking for any other ideas, but so far no one has any. and that message you quoted, was to help cockroach understand because he said that he wasnt really understanding what i was saying. so if you cant help me, at least dont be a pain in the butt okay?

Im not trying to change her, im trying to understand the problem. so that I can change the way I act in order to HELP her

bobthecockroach · 01-06-2007, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by musicianist

uhhhggg, it gets way compicated. ill try to lay it out in steps as far as my and her actions go...

1. she starts getting physical
2. her parents tell her to stop
3. she doesnt
4. i tell her not to because its against her parents
5. she still does
6. her parents give her some leway with holding hands
7. she pushes this
8. i tell her to stop
9. her parents let us try to figure out her boundries together
10. she still pushes MY boundaries
11. i tell her that we need to stop
12. her parents make all contact "hands off", but shes allowed to rest her head on me and we can tickle
13. she pushes those
14. i tell her to stop
(throughout this entire time i have pulled away, but let some things slide to give her a bit of slack)
15. because i am getting tired of having to pull away constantly, i make this decision: I will still respect her parents boundaries by not instigating anything or make any situations worse. but i am no longer keeping her from doing these things or pulling away. (if this decision of mine wasnt okay, i wasnt going to continue the relationship)( i have been telling her parents about these issues, and they cant seem to control what she does, so by doing this i put myself in control of what my responsabilites are)
16. she still pushes
17. i just play along with it, but dont instigate anything
18. she is now making an effort to stop by pulling away when she starts something, which i let her do (she never pulled away before, it was always my job)
19. she is improving little by little ( something i know that she doesnt is.. that her parents want to lift the "hands off", but they cant because she is so defiant)(i wont tell her this because i dont want her to stop just so they will lift the restriction)

now back to my original questions...

its not hard for me to stay hands off. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR HER???
is it just that i have better control than she does? because hormones are there whether we like them or not. IS THERE ANY WAY TO SPEED UP HER IMPROVEMENT????

i want the contact, just not in defiance of her parents.

Honestly, it does sound like there's some problems in communication, not to mention consistancy. If she's not listening to either her parents or you, either you're not communicating clearly, or she just doesn't care. The former seems more likely than the latter. So, the quesiton is WHY there's a miscommunication, and I think it's because of inconsistency. If you don't want to be involved with her physically, you need to make that clear and stand by it. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with some degree of physical touch in a relationship, so it's not like she's trying to do something that's flat out wrong. It's just your (and her parents') standard. Granted, she should respect her parents, but there's nothing wrong with her wanting to be physical with you. If you don't want her to, you shouldn't let her. That doesn't mean telling her not to do it. It means telling her that you are not ready for that level of physical contact, and not accepting it if she tries. If that doesn't work for her, she'll leave you. If you get tired of having to "pull away," you'll leave her.

musicianist · 01-06-2007, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobthecockroach

Honestly, it does sound like there's some problems in communication, not to mention consistancy. If she's not listening to either her parents or you, either you're not communicating clearly, or she just doesn't care. The former seems more likely than the latter. So, the quesiton is WHY there's a miscommunication, and I think it's because of inconsistency. If you don't want to be involved with her physically, you need to make that clear and stand by it. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with some degree of physical touch in a relationship, so it's not like she's trying to do something that's flat out wrong. It's just your (and her parents') standard. Granted, she should respect her parents, but there's nothing wrong with her wanting to be physical with you. If you don't want her to, you shouldn't let her. That doesn't mean telling her not to do it. It means telling her that you are not ready for that level of physical contact, and not accepting it if she tries. If that doesn't work for her, she'll leave you. If you get tired of having to "pull away," you'll leave her.

okay, thank you bob

passinthru · 01-08-2007, 09:44 PM

Granted my b/f and I don't get a much time together in person (long distance relationship). I am more comfortable with physical intimacy than he is for many reasons - but we've talked about it. As we've tried to figure things out together it's been one of those things of talking through why I need that physical contact but also him explaining to me how he thinks and feels about it as well.

It comes down to communication. We have a couple things worked out as a way to gently indicate or say I'm not comfortable with this right now, without hurting the other person or making them feel controlled.