[Skeeter]

This may end up as a song, but right now it's a poem.

Let Me Burn!

The mountains melt like wax before your name
But I sit here flickering all the same
My flame is fading fast!
This air I breathe will be my last
You lit me once, with a strike of a match
Now I'm dying where I stand
I placed myself on a pedestal
(isn't that what you required of me?)
But the meager light I cast was matched
By a meager light within me

Burn me, burn me! Set me ablaze!
I'll be consumed, but still burn for days
Until I'm ashes and you're my urn
You'll keep me safe. O! let me burn!

Your photograph lies facedown in its frame
I can't even remember your name
But I'll write it out by candlelight
Until the wax runs out tonight
I have some wood, a hammer and nails
I'll make you a home in the morning
I have nothing left, I gave it all
Except for myself, but I'm so small
There's no room inside, I'm withered and dry
If you enter in I'll surely die

Burn me, burn me! Set me ablaze
I'll be consumed, but still burn for days
Until I'm ashes and you're my urn
You'll keep me safe. O! let me burn.

O! Father of lights
Light my heart on fire
I'll melt like gold, but I'll burn like straw
Like Elijah calling
But I am the altar
Fall from the sky and consume my soul

[Ordinary Sarah]

Oh, if you turned this into a song, I think it would be a favorite. It's wonderful, and I think it'd be great set to music.

[guitarczar]

Originally Posted by Skeeter

This may end up as a song, but right now it's a poem.

Let Me Burn!

The mountains melt like wax before your name
But I sit here flickering all the same
My flame is fading fast!
This air I breathe will be my last
You lit me once, with a strike of a match
Now I'm dying where I stand
I placed myself on a pedestal
(isn't that what you required of me?)
But the meager light I cast was matched
By a meager light within me

Burn me, burn me! Set me ablaze!
I'll be consumed, but still burn for days
Until I'm ashes and you're my urn
You'll keep me safe. O! let me burn!

Your photograph lies facedown in its frame
I can't even remember your name
But I'll write it out by candlelight
Until the wax runs out tonight
I have some wood, a hammer and nails
I'll make you a home in the morning
I have nothing left, I gave it all
Except for myself, but I'm so small
There's no room inside, I'm withered and dry
If you enter in I'll surely die

Burn me, burn me! Set me ablaze
I'll be consumed, but still burn for days
Until I'm ashes and you're my urn
You'll keep me safe. O! let me burn.

O! Father of lights
Light my heart on fire
I'll melt like gold, but I'll burn like straw
Like Elijah calling
But I am the altar
Fall from the sky and consume my soul

I like this. Especially the first three stanzas. I really like when you compare yourself to a match and say that the other (God) lit you, and the ashes/urn image. But unfortunately, I think the last stanza is a little cliche. Especially, "light my heart on fire". But I guess I'm always wary of religious language. I think it's a lot harder than any other type to say and not sound corny. But I think you have several good attempts in that last stanza.

[Skeeter]

Ooh, I'd forgotten about this piece. I still intend to turn this into a song, likely for Ranch Barkner.

You're absolutely right: "light my heart on fire" is awful. I need to change that.

[Ordinary Sarah]

I'd forgotten about this, too, but apparently I enjoyed it then as much as I did rereading it.

This air I breathe will be my last

This part is really awkward for me... normally you say "this is my last breath", not so much "this is my last air", and that's sort of what it sounds like you're saying. Does that make sense? I think some mild rewording would fix it up nicely, though.

Burn me, burn me! Set me ablaze!
I'll be consumed, but still burn for days
Until I'm ashes and you're my urn
You'll keep me safe. O! let me burn!

I love the punctuation, and if you did turn this into a song, I can really picture a strong, crying out kind of voice, making this part piercing and poignant.

One thing, though, is that "I'll be consumed, but still burn for days" is sort of wierd. The second part of the sentence reminded me of the burning bush, but the first part contradicts that, for the burning bush was not consumed. It also contradicts what you say later in the stanza: "You'll keep me safe". Maybe if you said something like, "my will is consumed, my heart burns for days". Just a suggestion, but that seems like it would make more sense.

However, I don't know if maybe that was what you were getting at in the first place, or if I'm putting my words into your mouth. So you might want to take all that with a grain of salt.



Anyways... think you would mind if I nominated this for August, even though it was written awhile back?

[Skeeter]

I don't mind at all.

You have the gist of what I'm getting at with the second line of the "chorus." I think I like it as is. Essentially, there's a part of me that will be entirely consumed but another part that will burn for days like the burning bush, as you mentioned. It's pointing towards Paul's lament regarding the flesh and spirit as well as the metaphor of the gold and straw.

[Ordinary Sarah]

Gotcha. Overall, it is great. I would love to hear it if and when you put it to music.

[guitarczar]

Originally Posted by SarahTheGuitarist

This part is really awkward for me... normally you say "this is my last breath", not so much "this is my last air", and that's sort of what it sounds like you're saying. Does that make sense? I think some mild rewording would fix it up nicely, though.

Maybe you could say "this breath I breathe will be my last", though I think it's fine with "air" though. If you took the second option, it'd be a nice alliteration, and some of the figure of speech that I can't the name of where you use a certain word as different types of speech (i.e., here it would be noun/verb). Anyway, do as you think best.

[Skeeter]

I think I prefer the original, partly because I think it flows more smoothly and partly because it separates itself from the cliché phrase that it stems from.

[Job 19:25-27]

Originally Posted by Skeeter

This may end up as a song, but right now it's a poem.

Let Me Burn!

The mountains melt like wax before your name
But I sit here flickering all the same
My flame is fading fast!
This air I breathe will be my last
You lit me once, with a strike of a match
Now I'm dying where I stand
I placed myself on a pedestal
(isn't that what you required of me?)
But the meager light I cast was matched
By a meager light within me

Burn me, burn me! Set me ablaze!
I'll be consumed, but still burn for days
Until I'm ashes and you're my urn
You'll keep me safe. O! let me burn!

Your photograph lies facedown in its frame
I can't even remember your name
But I'll write it out by candlelight
Until the wax runs out tonight
I have some wood, a hammer and nails
I'll make you a home in the morning
I have nothing left, I gave it all
Except for myself, but I'm so small
There's no room inside, I'm withered and dry
If you enter in I'll surely die

Burn me, burn me! Set me ablaze
I'll be consumed, but still burn for days
Until I'm ashes and you're my urn
You'll keep me safe. O! let me burn.

O! Father of lights
Light my heart on fire
I'll melt like gold, but I'll burn like straw
Like Elijah calling
But I am the altar
Fall from the sky and consume my soul

I really like this!