[akaukal]

I slip through the cracks,
falling fast and choking on my desperation.
Please just take this broken axe,
and end my perpetration.
How can I pretend to be
a perfect little minion?
When something deep inside of me
is telling me to scream.

I know I've accepted the Truth,
what more do you want?
I can't say I haven't tied a noose;
never will I flaunt.
But I have gone and lied again,
I just can't seem to keep myself
from setting fire to this inn,
and knocking every single shelf.

I'll leave you all with one last thing,
before I decide to go.
I choose to write my words in ink,
rather than in stone.
Don't let them try and tell you how
to stand up for God and shout.
Promise me you'll remember,
His strength you'll never be without.

[Ordinary Sarah]

How can I pretend to be
a perfect little minion?

Okay... after this point in the piece, it sounds like you're struggling with being an obediant Christian, right? Then it doesn't make sense to me that you would use the word "minion", except that maybe it was the only word that kept up the rhyme scheme. When I read this stanza, I got the picture that you were protesting a sinful nature, saying that you couldn't be obediant to your sin or be a "perfect little minion" to Satan when you're soul is "screaming" to be with God. Minion, to me, is an evil sidekick or a little devil. Maybe you should rethink that part of it.

I know I've accepted the Truth,
what more do you want?
I can't say I haven't tied a noose;
never will I flaunt.
But I have gone and lied again,
I just can't seem to keep myself
from setting fire to this inn,
and knocking every single shelf.

I really like this stanza. I think your image of setting fire to an inn is great... even though it does remind me of Snow Patrol's "Set Fire To the Third Bar". But then again, I don't even know if you've ever heard that song. Honestly, I don't see anything significant to change about this stanza.

I'll leave you all with one last thing,
before I decide to go.
I choose to write my words in ink,
rather than in stone.
Don't let them try and tell you how
to stand up for God and shout.
Promise me you'll remember,
His strength you'll never be without.

I really don't know about this last stanza. Here's what I see that's not working:

1) You've really changed tone in this stanza. Before, you were talking about an internal struggle, and now you're making this a call to others. But the problem is, you haven't transitioned well at all. You went from saying, "here's what I'm struggling with and what's going on," to "now you need to do this."

2) Besides the fact that you've drastically changed your purpose and direction in the last stanza, you start talking about how God's strength is something you will always have. However, you haven't demonstrated that in the prior stanzas. You're also talking about people trying to tell you how to live, while the entire first half of the poem is talking about an internal struggle. Where'd the other people come from?


Here's what I think:

Rethink some of the wording in the first stanza. Then really decide where you want to go with this poem... is it a call to stand up for Christ, or is it just a simple lament and prayer for salvation?

If you go with the first one, work on adding a transtitional stanza before you end off with that last one. Maybe say something about how others added to your internal struggle by pressuring you and persecuting you, but God came through and provided strength.

If you decide you're just trying to cry out and release some desperation, then just get rid of the last stanza. Heck, it's a good stanza... you may even be able to create an entirely different piece with it.


Hope that helps. Overall, good writing. Keep it up.

[akaukal]

In reference to line about being "a perfect little minion", I'm referring to listening what people tell me about how to be a christian. "when something inside of me is telling me to scream" is saying that I can't be a minion to these people when my heart is telling me to believe what God tells me, not what all these people do. That may be a pretty cynical look on things, but that's how the church and people who think they're strong christians come across. I'm gonna work on it some more.

Really, the whole thing is about not conforming to what the people want and just be what God wants you to be. I've tried conforming and it doesn't work. The whole thing is the story and a sort of warning in the last stanza against trying to conform.

[Ordinary Sarah]

Ahh, I see what you were trying to get across. Well, perhaps just work on making that a little clearer, and you'll be all set.

[akaukal]

Originally Posted by SarahTheGuitarist

Ahh, I see what you were trying to get across. Well, perhaps just work on making that a little clearer, and you'll be all set.

Yes, good idea. Thanks for the RC.