[dogfood]

Handy Everyday Tips -


Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to theobject you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

[jael>rock<]

where do you get all these?!?

[J_freek]

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Maybe I should try that.

I'm guessing he gets them from a website, or book.

[jael>rock<]

i'm just glancing down whole forum and seeing that he started almost all of them. wow.

[dogfood]

well its time that this forum had more traffic going through it. jokes are good, they make people laugh, thats what i like doing. maybe somebody will tell one that makes me laugh, then i will feel good too.

[J_freek]

Well, if I can use your thread, and pics are allowed, I have a couple.

[dogfood]

just do it

[J_freek]

Church humor.